Deciding to be a working Mamma

How did I get here.  It's a question Working Dad and I discussed just yesterday.  How did we get to where we are?  Where I work, full time with an hour commute each way?

This isn't where I thought I would be.  A long time ago when my now husband asked me about what my plans were, I told him that I wanted to be a stay at home mom, (SAHM), the same way my mom was.  He thought I didn't have enough ambition. That I had to make something of myself, that I needed drive.  So, I got some drive.  I got my college degree and I started working full-time.

I loved my career choice.  Theatre Arts, event management- it's fantastic for me.  Specific, measureable successes, but shortlived programming.  Moving on to something else.  That's what I love- give it your all, then keep on.

Then, we got married.  Then I got pregnant.  I had my beautiful, amazing Exuberant Girl. My little piece of heaven on earth.  Who looks exactly like her father.  Who is sweet, and loving, and high energy.  Who isn't afraid of virtually anything. 

And then I went back to work.  I knew I had to go back to work for at least 30 days to keep my health insurance benefits that they paid while I was on maternity.  So, I went back.  To 'try it out'.  To give myself options.  Everyone said not to quit when I took maternity leave.  You never know, so I went back.

And then I left her at Daycare.  I found one I trusted, that seemed wonderful to me.  I did my due diligence to ensure that she was properly looked after.  And she was.  She is.  She enjoys her teachers, her environment, and all the social activities that come with it.

Initially I worked only 9am-3pm.  I dropped her off, I picked her up.  I pumped milk while I was gone from her.  I enjoyed going to work.  I enjoyed coming home and having enough time to pick her up, make dinner, and generally get things done around the house.  Then it changed.

I started working more full-time.  From 8am-4:30pm.  Still, it worked out.  I found a carpool partner. I tried to make it work.  Working Dad dropped her off, but I got to pick her up 80% of the time.  Seeing her smiling face, learning about her day.  Having some Mommy time before Dad came home.  And it worked.  I still have time to make dinner.  We enjoyed a leisurely evening all together.  It was nice.

Then she turned 1.  And when I went back to work, they told me I couldn't take a 1/2 hour lunch anymore.  That I had to work from 8am-5pm.  And that's where we are today.

I get up, I don't see her when I leave, unless something goes wrong.  Working Dad drops her off.  I get home just around 6pm, so I don't pick her up anymore.  I rush through making dinner.  I try to have time with her.  Then I fight the laundry, the dishes.  Sometimes I fight the husband.

But I'm terrified.  I'm terrified of making the wrong decision.  I've had 3 job offers for part-time work.  None of them made sense.  I'm still sitting here, going into work each day.  I haven't made a decision, but the reality is I'm a working mom.  Each day that I don't choose to quit, is a day I am choosing to work.

It's definitely not about her care.  It's not about her being in daycare, she loves it.  But there is definitely something not quite right.  I'm not a mother and a wife, though I am.  I feel like a busy ant, trying to keep the hole open while someone else is poking it with a stick.  Pretending like I'm making progress, but I'm not. 

I'm just terrified.

EG: Moments in Motherhood

Usually EG sleeps until late in the morning.  Our normal routine is that Working Dad takes her to school, so he wakes her up in the morning, gets her dressed, etc.

But every once in a while, she's awake between 6-7am.  Then it's Mommy's job to go and get her.  Sometimes I take her to our bed where we cuddle a bit.  She may go back to sleep, but more often than not it's just that lovely morning fog... It's delightful.  Until it's time for me to go to work.

Hysteria ensues.  That girl certainly knows how to tug on the heartstrings... So I leave her, with her blankie and tears.  I know she'll be fine, but...oh....

Flickr cplbasilisk

Book Review: NurtureShock

NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children

NurtureShock covers groundbreaking scientific research in the field of parenting. It has a lot of hype, it's sort of the new thing out there.  But how to decide if it's worth the time.  Well, from my perspective, it definitely is.

Chapters include the inverse power of praise, race relations, sleep (or lack there of), self-control and lying.  They are all well-researched, with specific scientific information to back them up.  Which is fabulous.  The chapters have nothing to do with each other, which makes for a disjointed book, but it's perfect for reading a chapter at a time in between other household/children tasks. 

There's been a lot going on about praise, how we have a society where we praise everything from mediocre performance to a toddler eating an apple.  I see this all the time, with parents saying 'good job' practically every moment.  This book really talks about what happens in the long term.  It shows how different types of praise are really affecting our kids in different ways. The statistical data, the specifics are quite something.  Of course, this is a bit 'what comes around goes around,' but good information none-the-less.

Then they talk about race relations, which has also been a hot topic right now.  I've found this one particularly intriguing, especially since we are in an interesting situation as Ashkenazic Jews.  We are generally white people, and if you choose (as we do) to send your child to a religious daycare or school program, do they have any diversity in their classes at all?  (turns out, we have one adorable Jewish black child in our daycare program in EG's age group, but that's totally an anomaly!)  How we talk (or in most cases don't) talk about race is affecting our children.  We all know we are waiting on bated breath for that awkward moment in the supermarket (why does she look like that Mom?!).  This chapter teaches us that we need to embrace the question and discuss a real answer.

I thought the sibling chapter was interesting, if  bit confusing.  It talked a lot about sibling fights and why a child treats their friends much better than siblings.  Conventional wisdom says we learn how to treat people because of our siblings, but NurtureShock asserts that how we treat our friends is how we are going to treat our siblings. However, the chapter didn't really give anything to constructive, especially with those of us who are planning to have our next child. EG doesn't really have any 'best friends' and is really to young to have interactive play.  So, I'm not sure that theory helps us.  The only advice was to try not to step in the way of them working it out, because if they are going to learn to engage together, then they have to learn how to on their own.


My favorite, and possibly the most important for those of us with babies or toddlers, discussed language acquisition.  We don't have any Baby Einstein DVD's, and EG doesn't watch television (excepting that one time, on a crowded southwest airplane ride across the country).  NurtureShock specifically discusses these tapes, what they do, and what they don't do.  Which, according to the research, is absolutely nothing for your baby.

These are just a few of the chapters in the book.  Each chapter has statistical data backing it up, and presents a clear and logical wake-up call about some subject.  It's longitudinal studies, ongoing research and results that are scientifically driven.  

My only gripe with the book is that though it does give some specific suggestions and interventions about how to avoid these negatives, it does so throughout a chapter, without an easy to follow or implement guide.  When you are reading snippets during naps, or late at night after putting the baby to bed, it's so hard to remember the key ingredients to make changes.  Since the book jumps around age groups from teens to babies, it's also hard to put things into practice now.  Having a 'cheat sheet' of sorts for down the road would be a helpful addition.

Additionally all of this research is very subjective.  Take the chapter on the 'Tools' program.  The program isn't available everywhere, so if you don't have access to it, learning about it isn't particularly helpful. Given these caveats, I definitely recommend NurtureShock.  Read it, digest it, and choose what's worthy for you and yours.

*The link for the book is through my Amazon Affiliate account.  Purchasing the book or other items by following the link will provide me with revenue.*

Only one more post on Breastmilk (right now!)

I realized I never touched on the Jewish perspective on Breastmilk.

Just as an FYI, Judaism kashrut holds that human breastmilk is Pareve, so no need to worry about serving the baby a meat meal and then breastfeeding.  Of course, there are TONS of halachic rules related to child-rearing, but I didn't want to let breastfeeding go without at least mentioning that it's Pareve.  And yes, this applies whether it's your milk, or anyone else's milk. 

Donating Breastmilk

Alicia supports sharing breastmilk

 I've donated my breastmilk.  Not that EG couldn't eat it, or didn't need it, but because someone else did.  That someone else was my Sister-in-Law's daughter, born in April just before EG in June.

Daughter #5 for my sister-in-law (SIL) is an adorable, high energy little pumpkin, so sweet.  However, since birth she's had a hard time nursing.  Something just wasn't working quite properly for momma and baby.  And let me tell you, this woman knows how to do it right.  She's nursed 4 other little ones until they were 18months old.  She's been dedicated through surgery for herself, hospitalized procedures for one of her little ones, and other challenges.

Did I mention that she's allergic to milk?  Not just intolerant, but allergic.  Two of her little ones are two. 

When I heard from her that she was having issues with nursing her little one, I knew that I could help.  I had been building up a freezer stash of milk for quite a time. (which came in handy while working, and is still feeding EG today).  So, I took some and sent it down to her.

And her daughter refused to drink it.  Imagine that, she didn't want my breastmilk, she wanted her mothers.  She could taste the differences in my diet from my sister-in-laws, and only wanted what her mother produced.  Luckily I have one smart SIL, she started mixing the milk she pumped with my milk.  Together, we ensured that things worked out for Daughter #5.

Lots of people think this is weird.  My own sister, who started supplementing with formula for my only nephew, thought that it was inappropriate and potentially dangerous.  Yes, breastmilk is a bodily fluid.  Yes, it's possible for it to transmit diseases, just like blood.

You know what, I would take blood for myself, EG, or Working Dad from my SIL without hesitating.  Without testing, or confirming, anything.  Think World War Z, or the Walking Dead.  Forget that, I would do it tomorrow.

It's up to each person.  With my history of donating, I was contacted by a friend of a friend about producing milk for her son, who can't eat anything (he chokes on regular milk, and all purees).  Milk banks charge a lot, and her son has medical need.  I have to be honest though, now that I'm not pumping as much, I feel like it's so much harder.  This time instead of it being 'stealing candy from a baby' it's trying to 'get milk from a stone.'

Either way, I still support sharing milk.  Do it safely, to your own comfort level.  Like all other things, to each his own.

Please don't think this means I think formula is evil.  It's not.  I was raised on formula.  To each his own!

Working Mamma Breastfeeds

14 months of breastfeeding.

I work full time, and have been breastfeeding and pumping at work since EG was 4 months old.  We struggled a lot initially.  I've never told my birth story here online, but lets say it ended in emergency surgery over 24 hours after she was born, and 4 units of blood transfused.  So, in other words, traumatic.  I ended up not responded to the blood well, and was transferred to a different unit and was trying to pump colostrum.  EG ended up in the NICU for a night, and we were all totally frazzled.

3 days later we got home on the 4th of July.  They sent me home with a breast pump (yeah Kaiser for being supportive!), and we used a syringe to supplement for at least a week.  We went back to the hospital every day to monitor her jaundice and her weight gain.

So, we started off difficult.  Once we got it though, we were golden.  She ate A LOT.  When I went to some breastfeeding support/weighing events EG could get over 7oz at a time from me.  So then I started pumping.  I pumped three times at work, and once when she went to bed.  On the weekends I pumped every night, just to ensure that I would have enough supply for her weeks as school.

Here was my routine:
Monday- Friday: bring pump, bottles, pumping parts (flange, etc. Monday only) and pumping bra.  Bring a cooler bag with ice pack.  Pump 9am, 1pm, 4pm.  Go Home with milk in bottles, and pump once more at home around 10pm after baby goes to bed.


I leave my pumpy parts in the fridge throughout the day, and only wash them at the end of the week.  I used to wash everyday, but my doctor pointed out that the milk in the bottle/parts was good at least as long as I was keeping the bottle of expressed milk.  Since we live by the rule of 5's (5 hours @ room temp, 5 days in fridge, 5 months in freezer), it seemed totally logical to only wash on Monday mornings.

The things that helped make it possible:
Hygeia Pump
I started with a Ameda pump, but after it broke two times, I moved to the Hygeia.  I chose this one because you can transfer it between people.  It's FDA approved to be resold.  I also thought this would be nice, since I would probably want to store it before having child #2.  It takes Medela parts, which means when I forgot all my pumpy parts one day, I was able to go to the local Target to buy more.

Hands Free Nursing Bra
I don't work while I pump.  I find it stresses me out to much.  But that doesn't mean I want to try to hold flanges to my breasts every time I pump.  This bra is easy to use, works with any pump (i've used 4 kinds!) and cleans up nice (though you do have to hand wash).  It's totally worth the investment.

Additionally I have my husband to thank.  He's the one who washes all of our bottles and sterilizes them at least once a week.  The way we work it is that his bottle washing is his contribution to EG's eating and development.  Since he can't do the feeding, he can at least do the cleaning.

Is it sukkot without a shake?

EG making a sukkah at school

Ah, the over scheduled weekend.  With nary a moment to rest, relax and recharge.  Throw in a scheduling mishap, and the weekend is entirely misfired.

I thought we had it all figured out.  Soccer game for me, Sukkot party for the family, friends over for dinner.  Lunch with my parents, then a relaxing evening at home.

Sounds wonderful, right?

Or not so much.  When you call to confirm the party details, only to find out that the party you thought was today at 1pm, is tomorrow at 2pm.  So, there goes the weekend.

Throw in one unplanned surgical procedure scheduled for a monday afternoon, and the whole weekend takes on a different light.  Yes, my family is fine, thank you for asking.

My Mom was scheduled for what is actually a routine angioplasty today.  She went through the procedure with flying colors, but she was terrified about the whole thing.  It's definitely possible that something could have happened, but thank G-d, it didn't.

All this being said, we didn't make it to a sukkot party.  If we don't shake the lulav and the etrog, is it really Sukkot?  I never used to celebrate Sukkot, but when I got into college the Chabad on Campus used to have a pop-up Sukkot on our campus.  We had a really great Chabad on Campus.  YOu used to be able to hear the shofar outside of the grocery store if you missed it during the days of Awe.

So I started, and I was able to keep up the tradition so far.  Until this year.  Hmm... I know it's not over yet, maybe I can find a lulav and an etrog to shake.  I have a sukkah in my back yard, you would think I could get it done, but not quite yet...

One step at a time, right?