In class to in the home.... or not?

What a great class we had last night.  Not only was the chicken delicious (thanks for giving me some leftovers to take home!) but the conversation was inspiring as well.

Since the class centered around Passover we discussed a lot about freedom.  What it means to be free?  Is there a possibility of being to free?  Are you free today?  How do we connect with the meaning of the seder when we live in such a free time?

When I left class last night I was inspired. Just like I always am after leaving my Rosh Chodesh class.  Typically I end up coming home quite late (9:30-10pm) and then I jump in the shower while talking to Working Dad about what I've learned.  That's the only problem with this class- I don't really have anyone to share it with.  Anyone out there want to start joining me?!

Right before I left for class I had a minor tif with Working Dad.  The night before he had done a lot of work in the shop on the tools and the bathroom renovation we've been working on.  Since he was doing that I put away the dishes, and tidied up the kitchen.  I was putting things in the dishwasher, but the reality is that he's much better at making things fit in the dishwasher than I am.  So, when he was done working in the garage (around 8:30pm) I asked him if he could go through the dishes in the sink and fit them in the dishwasher.  He said sure, no problem. 

Of course, he didn't move from the computer.  But, whatever, he said he would do it, right...

Fast forward to tonight.  Needless to say, he hadn't done anything to the sink or the dishwasher last night.  We had pizza for dinner and I went directly from the table to the shower with EG. Then we put her to bed and it was just after 7pm.  I got back dressed and left for class, which started at 7:30pm.  I wanted to get there early to look over all the passover items and see what I might buy for our seder.  Before I left I asked Working Dad to take care of the dishes (again!) and to make EG's lunch.  He started listing off all the things that I needed him to do, which really rubbed me the wrong way.

I am not your mom!  I am your partner in creating a home.  These are things that need to happen in our home- so do them!  Don't make me tell you/list out what needs to happen.  You are an adult, right?

 

So I left, and had a great class.  During class the main concept we talked about was how freedom really has two sides to a coin- Freedom FROM so you can get to Freedom TO.

If you think about it, it's a really great concept.  We need freedom from the things that bond us (slavery) to get to be free to do the the things we want to (worship G-d/live our lives).  We pointed out how the actual text says "Let my people go, so they may serve me."  You can no longer be a slave, but that doesn't mean you are free.

We talked about all of the things that we need to be free of so we can get to the things we want to do.  And I couldn't help but think about my tif with Working Dad.  It's MY emotions/thoughts that are really the problem.  If I can think beyond myself- to him, to what we want to accomplish, to how doing this might make me feel MORE accomplished rather than less, we'd all be in a better spot.

Of course, that completely flew out the window when I walked in the door at 9:35pm.  The dishes from dinner are still at the table.  From over 3 hours ago.  He's been sitting at the computer for 3 hours, with nary a thought to the fact that there is food still sitting on the table.

I sort of lost it.  I go directly into the kitchen, start working on the dishes, and I'm pissed. 

I feel like he's been so selfish.  That he's only thinking of himself.  He says something along the lines of 'you're home so early, you're usually not here till 10:30pm' and I can't help but think that it wouldn't have mattered one bit if he had been 'given' an extra hour to accomplish anything.  The same thing would have happened.  While I was away, he only gave thought to himself.  What he needed/wanted/enjoyed.  Not what was good for me, our family, our home, etc.

I know, I know, you are supposed to forgive and forget.  It just reminds me of my birthday a few years ago when I had a really late night out at a work event in San Diego.  I get home at like 10:30pm, and I'm just SO EXCITED to finally get to spend some of my birthday time with my husband.  I don't think of anything elaborate, just of spending some time chatting before falling into bed.  What does he do when I get home?  Gets up from the computer and announces that now is the time when he will take out the trash.  Really!?!  You had to wait until I got home to do these things!?!

To be fair, I'm sure he feels like I'm being a bit unfair.  When he gets home from work and tries to do things around the house I often guilt him into spending time with his daughter.  We get so precious little time with her each day (Working Dad usually only gets from 5:30-7pm)!  The way I see it is we have to make every moment count, so get them while you can.

From his perspective it's more about getting things out of the way so he can relax and enjoy his evening.

I just don't understand.  In class I realized how important it was to look at these things not as drudgery, but as things you do to get to the things you want.  But I'm not him.  I can't make him see things the way that I do...

So we went to bed angry, hurt and I'm still sort of hurt about the whole thing.  Feeling like I work so hard to do things to make his life better- and he had this opportunity to do something to make my life better and he didn't.  He thought about himself.

Passover Cooking Class

Join me tonight at the Manhattan Torah Center for a Pre-Passover workshop and cooking class.  The  class is $18, and is highly enjoyable.  Last year's featured an amazing Matza Crunch and Chocolate Mousse that I highly recommend.

https://jccmbcom.clhosting.org/templates/articlecco_cdo/aid/2529434/jewish/Cooking-Class/lang/en

Earthquake Safe!

Are you earthquake safe?  If you live in sunny southern california you may be asking yourself that exact question, given the string of small to medium earthquakes in the past few weeks.  The largest to hit the area was Saturday's 5.1 centered in La Habra (good old Orange County).

While I personally didn't feel any of them (nope, not a one despite being awake for all of them), it's a good reminder to get yourself squared away in case of an emergency.

The Red Cross has a fairly comprehensive list of items you should have in your emergency kit.  And while this list is a good starting point, there are some special things to consider when getting together your emergency kit for you and your kids.

1.  Security Items:  You know what these are.  For EG (my little Linus) it's her knit blanket or two.  Whenever she feels unhappy, unwell, or generally afraid it's her blanket that she reaches for.  Add to that her friend 'Ms. Monkey' and we can be a happy camper, even in the worst of circumstances.  When you plan for your emergency kit, I recommend getting an extra of whatever item it is your child may want (paci, blanket, toy, etc.) and putting one in the kit.

2. Clothing:  When you have children in diapers, I suggest you also pack extra clothing.  They suggest that you have enough food for 2-weeks, and I suggest that you split that in half and have enough clothing for your little one for at least a week.  As you pack these items, you want to think long term and layers.  For a newborn, pack 3 month outfits, and a 6 month coat.  For EG I'll be putting in 24 month and 2T items (since those will last her until she grows quite a bit!). That way you don't have to be constantly changing out items.

3. Food:  Those emergency rations may seem great when you are thinking about shelf-life and ease of transport.  But to your picky toddler who already only wants Pizza for dinner, they aren't going to make a dent in their dietary needs.  While it's possible to rationalize with a 5 year-old about how they need to eat something, it's not quite as easy with a 2 or 3 year old.  Think about getting some canned ravioli, etc.  While you might not serve it during a regular week, things like that can make a big difference for a child.  I also recommend shelf-stable milk.  I know it seems odd, but you can even buy organic...

4. Medications:  While I'm sure you've thought about antibacterial spray and lotion, the most important thing I think you need is Tylenol.  Even the 'deluxe family first aid kit' from the Red Cross only includes Asprin.  Asprin can cause Reye's syndrome.  So, stock up on children's tylenol.  It has a shorter shelf life than the pill form, but when push comes to shove for your toddler, Tylenol is the way to go.  Don't forget your handy dopper/measurement tool too!

Heroes for our daughters

I've been thinking a lot about the different heros my daughter might have as she grows older.  It started when EG was sick with Hand-Foot-Mouth and we realized we didn't have any movies that she could really watch.  Our kid friendly films were limited to the Sound of Music, Mary Poppins and an Ewok movie from the 80's.  All good movies, but not quite what our 20 month old might actually be interested in.

And, generally speaking, I'm not to concerned that she hasn't had exposure to much television, etc.  When she gets home from school we generally play outdoors, or in the kitchen while I make dinner.  But since she was sick, she really wanted to cuddle and was quite fussy.  Cue the moment when having something for the television might have been nice.

When we were buying movies we bought the new Disney Frozen (which neither Working Dad nor I have seen), Brave (which was technically EG's first movie in theatres at like 1 month old), Aladdin, Peter Pan and the Jungle Book.  I guess we ended up doing okay, since two of the three feature strong female characters for EG, but it got me thinking.

Recently we've had a string of highly successful movies featuring female leads.  Katniss from Hunger Games, and the upcoming Tris from Divergent to name a few.  But are these ladies really something to be modeling?

On the one hand, they do amazing things.  They are powerful and intriguing and generally self-sufficient.  On the other hand, they are written as being skinny, small, or otherwise undersized.   They aren't strong girls to start out with, they sort of come at it from an ultra-feminist perspective.

It leads me back to the Barbie conversation we had a while back.  How much does this really influence our kids?  I'm trying to think back to when I was little, and how I perceived Barbie and how I saw the role models in movies, etc.  Some of my favorite songs are from Mulan...she passes for a boy!  I just don't remember thinking to myself that I had to be skinny, or look like barbie or anyone else for that matter.  Maybe my 'hero's' were more the soccer stars and athletes than anything else.

What movies do you remember as a child?  How did they play into your thinking about heros or your role, or possibilities to do something awesome?

Maternity Leave in California: Taking time off

Since this is baby #2, I thought I would share my wisdom with regards to Maternity Leave in California.  I find a lot of sites have various forms of mis-information.  Of course, I'm neither your HR department nor am I a lawyer, so take this with a grain of salt as well.

I'm going to classify the leave in two different ways:  Time Away from Work, and How you get Paid.  In CA, and in federal statues, there are different pieces of legislation which influence how you get away from work/time off and how you can get paid while you're off.  

Time Away from Work:

1. Pregnancy Disability Leave (PDL):  This is a stautue of CA law, and available only in the state of California to residents.  It covers 4 months (recently defined as 17 1/3 weeks) of leave for diasbility.  I start with it, because it's the one that covers almost everyone.   It covers you regardless of the amount of time you've worked for your employer (started yesterday?  No problem!).  Regardless of the number of hours or years.  Your employer only needs to have a minimum of 5 employees, so it covers a lot more people than FMLA.

This leave must be medically necessary.  It's called disability leave for a reason, which means that you have to have a doctors note and can be asked to get a certified note.  Additionally it is available as intermittent leave.  You could use it to go to the dr, do tests, etc.  The bill also says that disability can come from gestational diabetes, or other conditions of pregnancy.  If you only work 50% time, that means you'd be entitled to 34 2/3 weeks of leave, etc.

To review:
a. available to everyone with more than 5 employees (regardless of length of employment or position (aka executive)
b. Four months (17 1/3 weeks)
c. Must be medically necessary
d. Can be used intermittently for Dr. appointments, etc.
e. Covers pregnancy related disability only
f. They can't count weeks when the office is closed (aka, they close between X-mas and New years, etc.)

2. Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA):  This is a federal law which covers all the states in the US.  It is more restrictive in access, since it only applies if you've worked for your company for 1250 hours and one year.  Your employer must also have at least 50 employees in a 75-mile radius (aka, if you are the Long Beach office and the rest of the company is in San Francisco, you may be screwed). Additionally this leave applies for 12 weeks out of the year.  The company gets to define the year based upon a set of criteria.  It's typically set to start the day you request it, and defines a year as the 52 weeks following your request.  Alternatively it could be (like the UC system) a calendar year or a fiscal year.  It's critical to know how your company defines a year, since that can make a huge difference to how you get your leave.  FMLA also covers not just your pregnancy, but any additional family leave.  Say your mom is ill, etc. It does not cover same-sex domestic partners.  Also, it covers bonding time with the baby until the baby is 1 year old.  If you take bonding leave, your employer is able to require you to take it in 2 week minimum increments.

Let's review:
a. Available to those who've worked 1250 hours and been employed at least 1 year with over 50 employees
b. 12 weeks of time in a year (rolling, calendar, or fiscal year)
c. Must be medically necessary before birth, but does cover bonding time after birth
d. Can be used intermittently for Dr. appointments, etc.
e. Can be used for more than just pregnancy, must be a 'covered' family member
f. 30 days notice if possible.
e. Available for bonding until baby is 1 year old

3. California Family Rights Act (CFRA): Also only in California.  This Act is part of the Fair Housing and employment act and is a fairly interesting legal act.  It covers medical leaves for other family members (including domestic partners) but DOES NOT cover pregnancy disability.  This is critical, because this is the defining point which helps ensure that you can get time to bond with baby, even after having an extended leave before the birth.  FMLA and CFRA do overlap for other medical conditions (aka a sick mom) but they DO NOT overlap for pregnancy-related medical conditions.

Let me show you what this might mean for a vaginal live-birth during a normal pregnancy:

4 weeks pre due date you leave for disability
Baby is one week late, still on disability
Baby arrives on Saturday :-)  Yeah!
6 weeks postpartum disability
=11 weeks of FMLA leave used
CFRA kicks in
=12 weeks of baby bonding time

You can use CFRA intermittently, and this is when it's possible to take leave later in the baby's life, since you get to take it until the baby is 1 year old.  You could return to work after your 6 weeks of disability, then take the month before the baby's birthday, or some other time off as needed for baby bonding.  Since this CANNOT run concurrently with either PDL or FMLA for pregnancy related conditions, if you take no other family medical leave, then you are entitled to 12 weeks after you get off of disability.  If you request the leave, your employer can allow you to take CFRA before the baby comes based off of your request.  Though, there are other options, explained below that may be better.

To Review:
a. Available to those who've worked 1250 hours and been employed at least 1 year with over 50 employees
b. 12 weeks of time in a year (rolling, calendar, or fiscal year)
c. Does not cover pregnancy-related medical leave, but does cover bonding time after birth
d. Can be used intermittently (2 week minimum can be required, except on two occasions when they must grant a shorter leave)
e. Can be used for more than just pregnancy, must be a 'covered' family member
f. 30 days notice if possible.
g. Bonding/accommodations until baby is 1 year old

4. Fair Housing and Employment Act (FHEA):  This typically doesn't come into play for most women during their pregnancy, but should you have a really difficult pregnancy and require additional leave or medical care it's important to know your rights.  The FHEA act includes provisions for disability accommodations.  Since federal law means that pregnancy is a disability you could exhaust your PDL and FMLA, as well as use your CFRA before baby's born you may still be entitled to accommodations from FHEA.  Under FHEA accommodations can include necessary leave.  A perfect case for this is Sanchez vs. Swissport, Inc Cal. App. 4th (2013).  In the case a woman was granted both PDL and requested additional leave due to disability until the birth of her child.  The trick here is that it can't cause an un-due burden on the employer.  However since 4 months of PDL is required regardless of burden, it might be hard to prove that additional time creates a more undue burden.  But, I'm not a lawyer ;-)

Whew!  What a lot to cover.  Do you have any questions?  I can try to answer them if you do.  The links included are the actual texts of the laws, so those can be very helpful.

Next we'll cover how you get paid...

Jewishly Engaged

I read this article on Tablet this week and it really resonates with me.  More than anything I can't help but think that all families end up being associated with something.  For some it's a religion, but for others it's boy scouts (my husbands family), Dance (yeah Dance Moms!), Sports (some cousins) or travel (maybe that's us!?)...

When I married my husband we knew we would have a Jewish family.  But at the same time, my husband isn't technically Jewish.  I should probably put a 'yet' on the end of that sentence, but for me, it doesn't make any difference if it's a yet or a 'and never will be.'  His commitment to raising our family Jewish is what counts, and we show that each and every Friday we light the candles, the holidays when we have guests over, and how we interact with the world and G-d.

At the same time, when we got married Working Dad stated that he didn't want us to have our entire world arranged around a religious life.  His sister is fairly like that (though, of course, she has other things going on in their lives), but it was important to him that we be focused around something else.

I'm happy to say that the majority of parents and young kids that we spend our time with are Jewish.  Which, of course, is a by-product of sending your child to a Jewish daycare- Jewish friends.  At the same time, I don't think that there are people we aren't being friends with because of our Jewish obligations.

I told Working Dad that I had no intention of being a boy scout focused family either.

As EG gets older, and starts to request time to participate in activities, I can't help but wonder what we are going to end up being.  When I was younger I was a Jewish, Soccer-playing, theatre-going Girl Scout who traveled a lot and enjoyed camping.  I went to Jewish summer camp and Girl Scout Camp.  I went to shabbatons, marching band trips and traveled to Rome.  We went to Yosemite every Thanksgiving, and I can't seem to think that there was one thing that dominated our lives...

Did something dominate your life?  Did you have a central focus for the family?

Hand Food Mouth

We thought we were done with crazy medical issues and to much going on.  Cue EG's moment to get sick.  Not just a little sick, but I-can't-go-to-school-for-a-week sick.

EG has been diagnosed with Hand Foot Mouth disease.  Those of you qho don't know it might immediately think that EG has Mad Cow.  Nope, totally not related.  HFM is a common viral disease that goes through toddlers.  It usually involved a fever, possibly some dietary problems (EG didn't eat/drink much, plus she had diarhea) and then evolves into a yucky rash over the (you guessed it!) hands, feet and mouth.

It's especially sucky because the sores in the mouth can be very painful for children, and definitely restrict their desires to eat/drink foods.  Of course in EG's case it could also be that I served lemon chicken for dinner last night.  Poor girl, what an awesome mommy.

This has been our first week of experience with her needing to be out all week long.  And we've learned clearly that we don't have enough support/emergency back-up to cover that situation.

My MIL has shingles right now (yes the chicken pox derivitive) so she's out for baby watching.  My Dad has standing plans M-W, with bridge, bowling and teaching a class.  So, that's not a great source either.  Add to that the fact that my parents are leaving to go out of the country next week and they aren't really in a sitting mood.

So Working Dad didn't do any work on Monday.  He also took some time off this morning to facilitate our child care arrangements.  I took half of Monday, half-day Tuesday, and all-day Wednesday.  Add to that the time I had taken on Friday afternoon to pick her up from school early, and it was quite a work-free week.

I did try to take advantage and laid out some water play for EG on Tuesday.  Our regular babysitter C took over in the afternoon, and EG had a good time dumping and playing with the 'wa-wa.'  Additionally I took EG on Wednesday to the Aquarium of the Pacific.  You may think I'm a bad mom for potentially exposing others, but we had to do something.  We have a membership, so it's cheap, easy entertainment.  And on a Wednesday at 9am we were one of about 3 kids there.  Nice!

Poor girl, at least it's almost over!

all over her mouth, poor girl...

Her feet took the longest time to heal!