End of the school year gifts

EG is coming to the end of the school year at daycare.  Her school has an 'everyone' graduates policy. 

While I'm really excited about the ceremony tomorrow, I've been stressing about what to get her teachers.  These are four ladies who have been with my little since she was just over 3 months old.  They've supported her, taught her, and helped her grow.  Without them in our lives I know going back to work would have been impossible.

I've been doing some internet sleuthing, and it's got a lot of wonderful ideas about teacher gifts.  However, I don't want to give my daughters teachers a cute little thing of pencils, etc.  I want to give them something that matters, something they might actually use.

So, we're doing three things:

1. Participating in the class gift.  The class gift is two part- we've donated to the class fund, so each of the teachers will be getting some sort of monetary gift on behalf of the class.  Additionally we're doing a 'yearbook' of sorts, so I had EG work on some masterpieces:
 

She made one for each of her teachers, and I had her talk about the teacher as she was working on it.  When she was finished I wrote out the first initial of each teacher, and filled it in with some of the things that EG shared with me.  Not exactly the most sophisticated thoughts, but I hope it shows each teacher how much she appreciates them.  I signed her name, and dated each one.  Sorry for the blurry, but I think it's important to give EG a little bit of privacy...

2.  Writing each teacher a thank you note.  I love to make handmade notes, specifically I have an L Letterpress machine.  I don't do a lot of them, but when I do, I totally love it.  I had EG put her handprint on the notes, just like I've done before.  When I send these thank you notes to babysitters (usually my parents, or our family friends) everyone comments on how much they love them.  So, I knew it would work out for the teachers.

Then on the back I wrote a personal note to each teacher.  It was hard trying to put into words exactly how much I appreciate them, because each of them is invaluable to her daily school experience.  I made each note unique, and really tried to write from the heart.  Of course that means that at least one of them is a rambling mess- they always say you should 'pre-write' your thank you notes.  Oh well, at least it's heartfelt.

3. Writing a letter to the school.   One of the things that I did see online was a suggestion to write a note to the director or principal of the school, adding a note of appreciation to the school files.  So I did that too.  I think it's important to recognize how much these women have done, and how much we appreciate them.

What did you do for the end of the school year? 

PlaySpace Updated

I don't know that I ever shared the playspace that we made for EG.  It was a really basic space in our living room, just a square of gate around all of her toys.  I tried to rotate her toys every week or so, but that wasn't a really easy task, as nothing in the space was organized or arranged in any type of pattern or theory of order.

I would just put toys in different corners, clean-up the space (yeah spilled cheerios) and move on with life.  Here's the only 'decent' photo I have of the old space.  You would walk inside the door and it would be right there, which also meant that there wasn't a place to put on your shoes, and the walls often served as a temporary coat rack (see jacket on left!)

But as EG has gotten older, and the toys have gotten messier I realized I needed a better spot for her to be entertained, safe and happy- especially when B2 arrives on the scene.

Enter the living room flipflop and a buying string at IKEA and we have the new playspace:

And goodness is it working well!  EG asks to go in almost daily, and spends at least 20-30 minutes in there happily content looking through her toys, moving things around, and most of all enjoying her new table space.  We had a play date with one of EG's friends when school was closed for Shavuot and it couldn't have been better timing- they spent quite a while playing in there and there were more than enough chairs for everyone.

We went to IKEA  and spent some time in the kids section.  When we went there I thought that we were going to go with the Trofast system, or the ubiquitous Expedit (now Kallax).  When we got there, Working Dad found this gigantic toy box- the STUVA system.  I honestly wasn't that thrilled with it.  His argument was that when he was a kid he had a huge toybox, and everything went in there and it was totally fine.  My argument is that I like things organized, and that I personally find that when EG can find her toys, she's much happier playing with them.

However, he won because of cost and because of the nice seating bench that the STUVA ended up creating.  For now I've got it semi-divided with Lego storage boxes in between items, but I think I'll end up making a few wooden dividers for it.

 The blue monster is Working Dad's when he was a kid, and we both REALLY like how this is a cute little window seat for reading, and for both of us to sit on when we want to be in her playspace with her.  Books, books and more books.  EG has taken to reading her babies to sleep "they go night night" which is quite adorable.

The corner unit of the living room is now a great display space for a few of EG's toys, and the bottom section keeps things organized, yet out of sight.

It's quite the feat, and I'm hoping that once she gets the toys for her birthday (OH MY GOODNESS!  SHE TURNS TWO THIS MONTH!) that I'll be able to take some of the more babyish items and move them into B2's room.

One step at a time.

Do your kids have a designated playspace?  How do you keep toys organized?

Happy Anniversary

Today marks 4 years of being married to my wonderful husband, Working Dad.  While he hasn't always been thought of as Working Dad in my household, he's always been the one for me.

I don't think I've told our story, so here goes nothing...

Working Dad and I went to the same high school, him being two years ahead of me (aka the same graduating class as my sister).  We got to know each other through choir and drama class.  They needed someone to pull the curtains, and I didn't want to pay $10 to see the choir shows.  So, we started working together my freshman year- him as stage manager, me as stage hand.  Of course, I couldn't drive, and my sister didn't care about choir shows, so Working Dad used to drive me home at night after the shows were over.

Somewhere in that time he started dating/courting my best friend Becky.  While that relationship was short-lived, it did allow the two of us to get to know each other better.

He would call me up, take me out to Diedrich's coffee down by the tide pools in Laguna Beach.  Or we'd go for long drives to Ruby's diner for shakes (still a hangout spot of ours- where EG had her first kids meal!).

Yes, there is an embarrassingly colorful entry into his yearbook from my sophomore self when he left for college.

For some reason, despite his being at college, we still kept in touch.  He'd come down for breaks and we'd hang out.  My parents must have been crazy!  Letting me go for coffee with a college dude!

Off I went to college- away away to Pittsburgh.  He didn't follow, but when we were home for breaks we'd get together and hang out.  This whole time our relationship is nothing but a friendship.  No kissing, no handholding, nothing.

Fast forward through the end of college and I finally land back in Southern California (more specifically at the doorstep of my first job at USC).  We start to date, and are finally a couple.  I won't get into the nitty gritty, but we have a few years of ups and downs.  Working Dad goes through gradschool, we break up, we stay friends, and eventually he graduates.

Funny story, during this time I actually proposed to him!  During leap year of 2008 I asked him on the phone if he would marry me.  I know, what a wonderful proposal (he did MUCH better at proposing than I did).  He told me he would have to think about it...

He gets his first job and two days after moving into his new apartment he asks me if we can be a couple again.  And then two years after that we walk down the aisle together.

At this time four years ago I was up getting showered, hanging with my girlfriends (and bridesman!  Happy Birthday Bridesman!), and relaxing the morning away.  He was sleeping, and one of his buddy's wives was realizing there was no food in the house (thanks for feeding the boys Becca!)

I'm so so so so happy that he married me.  I'm so happy that we're together, on this journey, and that we've created the life that we have, including those that have only come into the world through our union.

Here's to many more years, many more tears, and many more cheers! I love you!
 
From our river rafting engagement...

To our beach side wedding...

To our beach side home....

To the newest addition to our family...

 Thank you, for everything.

Birth Plan

Now that it's June, I suppose that I should start thinking about planning my birth.  When I was pregnant with EG we were taking the Bradley class and had a dedicated time set aside each week to talk about, plan and think about our impending delivery.

Now, between trying to move around furniture, chase after EG and just sleep a little bit more, I haven't really given it much thought.  As you know, we hired a doula for this delivery, and what a G-d send she is too!  She's given us a few meetings before the birth, and having her come by has been the only real opportunity we've had to discuss the impending labor.  Working Dad came to my last doctor's appointment, and we sat outside afterwards telling ourselves that we would start to prepare.

So this is attempt #1.

If I could choose one idea or thought to have during my labor, I think it would be this one:

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." 

We are going to attempt a natural/drug-free delivery again this time.  Last time we made it about 17 hours before I needed to get an epidural because I was so exhausted.  This time I'm hoping to make it all the way.  I've had lasting pain in my back from the epidural, so I know it's not something I want a repeat of.

My personal philosophy has always been that we can endure just about anything, as long as there is an ending.  And I'm hoping that with this delivery that's the attitude I can take.  I can do anything, I can get through it.  One moment, one contraction at at time.

So, without further ado, here's our Birth Plan:

Elizabeth and Working Dad, with support from their doula Holly, would like to have a healthy mom and a healthy baby throughout the birth/labor process with the least amount of medical intervention possible.  As our supportive birth team we hope to have maximum flexibility, minimum medical intervention, and open communication to ensure informed consent.   

We acknowledge it’s impossible to lay out a comprehensive plan, but have our primary goal set as a healthy mother and a healthy baby and appreciate your assistance in this pursuit. 

As a laboring mother Elizabeth prefers that we focus on the positive, and aim to have a ‘negative-free zone.’  If needed, please feel free to pull Working Dad into the hallway so Elizabeth can focus on labor.  He can adequately communicate all needs to Elizabeth as necessary.

During Labor:

Elizabeth would prefer:

·         To be able to move as much as possible; utilizing the hallways, shower and other areas

·         External fetal monitoring only, every 4 hours or if a change of labor necessitates  it

·         Not to have an IV, but is comfortable having a saline lock if needed for antibiotics

·         To keep vaginal exams to only when a change in labor is apparent and not to have progress announced

·         For her bag of waters to break naturally

·         To ingest any desired food or liquid

Please do not make offers of pain medication

o   We know our options  and should something be needed we will ask for it

o   Please encourage us to take another walk around the floor, try another position, and use encouraging phrases- suggestions are appreciated

During Delivery:

Elizabeth would like:

·         To have a frank conversation regarding delivery of our child with the midwife or doctor who will be delivering the child, to ensure all members of the medical team are on the same page especially in the event of a shift change.

·         To have freedom of movement to be in whatever position suits her and the child best

·         Prefers not to push, but rather allow her body to naturally labor down until delivery is imminent

·         Should delivery occur during the daytime, we would prefer to deliver with the blinds open and as much natural light as possible

Please note that the sex of the baby is unknown, and we anxiously await to find out!

In the event of a C-Section:

·         Working Dad will stay with Elizabeth through the procedure

·         Elizabeth would like to have a curtain up, separating her from the surgery

·         We would prefer low lighting, positive interactions and to have Working Dad announce the sex

·         We would like to have immediate skin-to-skin contact with the baby, on the OR table if possible

Working Dad would like to cut the cord, if possible

After Birth:

Elizabeth experienced some trauma related to her placenta not being able to naturally deliver, and she bled out throughout the night following the birth of her first daughter.  It is our wish to allow the post process to happen as naturally as possible to help ensure that we do not have a repeat of our first delivery.

•  Delay clamping of the cord until blood flow has ceased
• We would like the placenta to deliver naturally, without Pitocin, cord pulling or other interventions
•  If the baby must be taken to the NICU, Working Dad will go with the baby
• We prefer to delay all newborn procedures for the first hour of life to bond with our new child. 
• We prefer for all procedures and medications given to our child explained to us and done in our presence.
• Elizabeth plans to breastfeed.  Please do not offer formula, sugar water or a pacifier.
• We do not plan to circumcise in the hospital before our departure should we give birth to a boy.

In the event of a poor outcome:

Working Dad and Elizabeth would like the opportunity to take pictures, share with our child and take as much time as needed/possible to invite family to support us.

Of course, a birth plan isn't a substitute for good honest conversation, something I hope to have with the nurses and doctors that will be attending us during our delivery.  Since we'll be delivering at Kaiser we have no idea who will actually be the doctor/midwife attending us.  Which only makes a document like this all the more important.  Getting everyone on the same page is what a birth plan is all about.

While I advocate strongly writing a birth plan, I also advocate planning for your birth outside of this document.  I've seen too many people write things, or use automated birth plans (like this one) that don't really say much.  Or go the opposite and write things they have no idea about (I've been doing perinal massage to avoid an episiotomy).  If that's true, that's great, but when your birth plan is filled with things that aren't true, you'll only end up being ignored by the nurse.

Here's to B2's delivery!  Did you write a birth plan?  What did it say?  Any comments or suggestions?

Shavuot Focus: Honor thy Mother and Father

With Shavuot coming tomorrow I thought I would hone in on at least one of the ten commandments.  Not shockingly I've decided to focus on the 5th Commandment: Honor thy Father and Mother.

Caro Wallis cc

They say that nothing in the Torah is done without reason, and when referring to the Ten Commandments we often talk about how they are laid out on the two different stones.  In this regard we say that the first 5, or the left tablet, refers to more holy items.  They talk about G-d, what he does, and how we interact with him.  The relationship between Man and G-d.  The right side talks more about our relationship with fellow human beings, and how we conduct ourselves with others.

This seems totally fine, until we get to the 5th Commandment:  Honor Thy Father and Mother.  What?  That is between me and my parents, not my relationship with G-d.  At least that's what we think...

The reality is that the relationship we have with our parents is an explicitly holy one.  What happens when each human being is created, the coming together of a man and a woman, a mother and a father, is the passing of a G-dly spark into a new creation.  Something that we can do and a way that we directly interact with G-d.

The relationship we have with our parents goes much deeper and further than just the physical plane that involves our neighbors land or murdering someone.  Even when we murder someone we touch only their physical self.  But the relationship we have with our parents (the one I'm in right now creating a human life) goes much deeper than that.

Scientifically it's DNA and my baby's blood.  Biologically it's the sustaining of two human lives for almost 15 months exclusively by one party (if you breastfeed).  But spiritually it's much deeper than that.  When we decided to 'have' a child, it wasn't just us two who reached a union.  But G-d who provided the final spark of soul that made our child a human being.

So now that we've discovered a little of the 'hidden subtext' of the tablets, let's talk about what this really means.

There are lots of Chassidic and religious storylines about how we treat our parents.  Wikipedia seems to be able to sum it all up in one page.  But what about the daily reality?  How do we teach our children (one of our obligations) to honor us?

We've all seen it with our kids- when they parrot our actions, our words, our world.  So I say the best place to start is with your own parents.  Yup, those meddling grandparents you love/hate.  How you interact with them is possibly the start of how our children learn to honor us.

The Jewish perspective on honor may be much different than our newer views.  We're not commanded to love them, or listen to them, we are commanded to honor them.  We are commanded to help them keep their dignity and to treat them respectfully. 

When we deal with EG, we're trying to teach her how to honor us.  We are trying to teach her to talk to us respectfully (please, and thank you) and that at this age showing honor also means listening and responding.  And I think everyday about how I honor my parents.  How I am treating them in a way that I would want my daughter to treat me when she gets older.  Calling when I get home safe, listening to their needs, accommodating their requests whenever I can.

I'll end with some fatherly wisdom- from my own Dad.  He's fond of telling me that he's proud of me, and leaving me voicemails telling me what a wonderful person/daughter I am.  But I remember the first time he told me that he liked me.  He told me that he had to take care of me, do things in my best interest, etc, but that he didn't have to like me.  And that he did.

The first time he said that I was utterly confused- how could you not like me?  I'm your daughter!  But the reality is that there is a great difference between like, love, and honor.  I'm lucky in that I like, love and try to honor my parents.  But at the end of the day the requirement is only one sided.

Here's to honoring your parents this Shavuot.  And here's to being honored by our youngins as well!

Visiting a woman on Bedrest: Tips and Tricks

This weekend my lovely sister-in-law started to experience early labor contractions.  They were regular and close enough together that she moved to the hospital.  As she's only 32ish weeks pregnant they gave her shots to develop the baby's lungs and medication to try to keep labor from progressing any further.

As of this morning she's at home, on bedrest, still rocking to the contraction beat.  We're hoping that she can last at least an extra week or two, but the longer the better!

We went down to visit and help take care of the other kids while SIL stayed on the couch.  Here are my tips for helping out:

1. Think about food:  In our case, my SIL and her kids have some serious allergies, which can make bringing something to the house a bit dicey.  Not to mention that even when we arrive the sheer numbers of family on her side mean we're outnumbered 2:1.  So, we don't typically bring anything heavy or large to eat, since I know she'll have already thought about it.  The same goes for another Jewish household where you may not know the kosher status.  This weekend we went to a house where they don't serve milk and meat together, but when they had ordered pizza they got salad with chicken.  This isn't a judgement (I feel like it's always okay to eat chicken and milk) but rather the moment to say that before you bring something, really think about it.  You don't want to bring your non-kosher food to someone's house, nor do you want to impose your pastry on a paleo.


2. Prepare for crazy:  If Mom's been on bedrest for even a day or two, especially if there are little ones around, it's likely that the picture perfect house has gone a bit crazy.  After day two all the kids realize that the most Mom can do is yell and encourage- but she's not getting up to make sure those toys get put away.  It can be hard to try to help a 4 year old understand that they need to be extra good and help Mommy- and even if you did succeed we all know it would be a fleeting moment anyways.  So be prepared, and don't make any judgements.  Even if she apologizes and brings it up, let her know you've seen worse, and that it's no big deal. 

3. DO something useful: So, just pitch straight on in.  Don't be afraid to step into the kitchen, load the dishwasher and ask where to put things away.  Mom napping?  Just put it where it makes sense, and they will find it.  The extra stress Mom sees when she walks into the crazy kitchen isn't worth the extra 3 minutes it might take Dad to find the pot you put in the wrong shelf.  Maybe a load of laundry is in order- which is a wonderful help.  However, if you do the laundry, do your darnest to put it away.  There's nothing worse than not knowing if clothes are clean and feeling like you have to wash them again.

4. Take time to talk:  Amid all the to-do items, it's important to take a moment and chat with Mom, Dad and the kids.  Mom has had it stressful, and is probably still stressed.  Seeing your house go crazy, and not being able to pick-up your kids can be hard.  Sitting in one room, in one place, or one bed can also really stress you out.  So, ensure that you have time to chat.  Tell her how amazing she is (duh!  She totally is!) and how much you care.  Ask her if she wants to share, or just chat about something totally off topic.  It's important that she gets to connect because watching TV by yourself with only bathroom breaks can be insufferable.

5. Watch your words:  We've already mentioned that you shouldn't mention the state of the house.  Beyond that make sure you tell her she's looking pretty- if you can't muster that then at least don't tell her she looks bad!  Take her lead on whether she wants to talk about the baby, the pregnancy, options, etc.  She may be thinking about that all the time, and you may be just the person to get her mind off the situation long enough to have a few moments of fun.  Consider her kids and their ears too as you discuss things, we certainly don't need a more freaked out baby in addition to mommy.

6. Check back in regularly:  This especially applies to a Mom who will be on bedrest for a while.  When you first go on bedrest there can be an abundance of support and help.  But two weeks later, everyone has moved on to their own lives again and there Mom is, still laying down in bed, and surrounded once again by the craziness that her family can get into without her. So, if you can, go out of your way to call her more often, text Dad, and maybe send an Amazon Prime gift package her way (toilet paper, paper towels, etc.)  She may have months of this, and if that's so will likely figure out some sort of routine, but still- a call or a visit from a friend can do wonders to moral!

I hope you don't have to visit a mommy on bedrest, but I hope you don't shy away from it as well.  My mom once told me a story about how a friend of hers had her father die when she was in 7/8th grade.  She was so overwhelmed by what to say that they basically never spoke again.  Don't let that happen to you!

At the end of the day, anything you can do to lend a helping hand will be appreciated, and knowing that there are more people in the world who care, are concerned and are there really helps a family out.

As for you Sister-in-Law.  We love you, we're thinking about you and Baby H, and you know you can call anytime!

Growing Up Girl: #YesAllWomen

With the tragedies in Isla Vista this past weekend an enduring moment seems to be a twitter-feed labeled #YesAllWomen.

I'm sure you haven't managed to avoid the coverage of the story, but a brief rundown amounts to a 22 year old boy feeling slighted by all women because he is still a virgin in college.  Therefore he murders his roommates, and then takes to the streets and kills murders several more people.

I typically try to avoid hearing/reading/listening to all the coverage about gory and violent things on the internet.  I know people who live in and around UCSB, and working at UCLA has certainly made it part of our day as we returned to work.

Beyond the obvious tragedy, I've been shocked by the #YesAllWomen hashtag feed.  First that women felt the need to create a place to respond to this tragedy in this way, and show the world how prevalent these ideas are.  But beyond that, the worry that someday my own daughter might be posting to that hashtag about her own experiences.

I was a virgin until I was with Working Dad.  No, that doesn't mean I was a virgin when I got married, but I've only ever been with the man I married- the father to my children, and the light of my soul.  I honestly do believe that he is my B'Sheret, and the person that I am ultimately tied to.

But before I was with him there were lots of guys I dated.  And lots of guys who wanted to do things with me that I didn't want.  There was a moment in my life when I experienced a physical act that I didn't consent to.  I wasn't raped, but I was definitely sexually assaulted.  And it was horrible.  And I remember the reactions of friends and family members being less than ideal.  Except Working Dad.  He was there for me- as he was countless times throughout my life, and as he will be countless more times throughout my life.

Reading through the hashtag makes me nervous.

About Growing Up Girl in today's society.  How do I protect my little EG from these horrible ideas?  That she would be better off yelling 'Fire' if she needs help rather than help (@Carrie K.)  That giving out a fake phone number or telling someone she has a boyfriend are good lies to help protect herself (@katekilla & @JBRylah)

I didn't tell these men before I dated them that I was saving myself for marriage.  I didn't think I was.  I didn't tell them that we could go out on dates, and make-out and get close, and that they would never 'close the deal.'

I remember one boy telling me that he hated me because he got an STD test for me because I said that we definitely wouldn't be having sex if I didn't know both he and I had clean bills of health.  Did that mean I was going to sleep with him?  I didn't think so, but being prepared isn't a bad thing...

I certainly didn't think that the boy I got the herpes vaccine for was the one.  But I got the vaccine anyways, because I didn't want to be worried about it if the time came (it didn't.)  I didn't blame him for the pain, nor did I feel pent-up anger and frustration when it was actually he who ended it.  I finished the shots and was thankful that I was protected against one more STD and cervical cancer.

So what do I do about my little 2-year old?  Turn her into a liar?  I always told my parents the truth, sometimes regardless of how they would feel about it.  I never lied about spending the night at a boys place- these were choices I made, and I thought it was better to be on the 'up and up' rather than going behind their backs. 

How do I teach her that it's okay to reject someone?  That it's okay to say 'I'm not interested' without worrying about a stalker or a rampaging murderer?

Maybe I'm worrying about it too soon, but how do you help a 2 year old turn into a teenager who turns into an adult?

I want my sassy little girl to be empowered.  To have grit.  To know that her views, and her feelings matter, and that she doesn't have to be afraid- whether it's 2am or it's 4:30 in the afternoon. 

Of course, I used to call my Dad from Pittsburgh at 2am on the walk home.  Somehow I was comforted that he was there with me.  In my lame brain I thought if something happened he would be able to call 911 (which is actually totally ludicrous!)  I took part in my campuses semester safety walks, where the Dean of Students and the Head of Facilities would walk with interested students around the campus and give let us give inputs about where new lights and emergency telephones should  be.  I was proactive.

What do I do when she moves from pretending to do something, to actually doing it?  To setting her free in the world?

See my other posts in this series:  Growing up Girl: I can't do it, Growing Up Girl