Toldot, a Mother's perspective

I've been reading the Torah portions again.  I'm so happy when I do that.  It's not always easy, and I definitely don't do it as much as I like.  With everything else going on it's hard sometimes to give myself the space and time I need to commit to reading and enjoying and exploring the Torah portion.

This week's portion is Toldot.  When most people read Toldot they focus on the relationship between Esau and Jacob.  Of course I understand why, the bulk of the Torah portion is about them and there is much to learn about the differences between Esau and Jacob, as well as how their parents respond to them.

But this week what struck me more than anything else were the first few sentences:

"And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife because she was barren, and the Lord accepted his prayer, and Rebecca his wife conceived."

My interest is in the many different views of this sentence.

The New International Version:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

The JPS Tanak Version:

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord responded to his plea, and his wife Rebekah conceived

In my mind the ideas behind these different version can be quite stark.  The idea that Isaac prayed opposite his wife shows a firm and true commitment.  An understanding of the joint anguish a couple can feel at not becoming pregnant.

It took my mother over seven years to become pregnant.  It wasn't an easy journey for her, or for my family.  In that time, however, I think that my father viewed it as more of my mother's problem.  I might be wrong, but that's my intuition based upon the conversations I had with my mother before she passed.

I have several friends who are currently pregnant and it's often difficult to see the transition from wife to mother in the girl, and yet a lack of transition from husband to father in the man.  He's not quite but sort of a father.  But the moment that she knows there is another life inside of her the wife and woman has become a mother.  Her choices aren't her own- from lunch to dinner to sleep and emotions.

So when I saw it Toldot that Isaac prayed opposite Rebecca it seemed amazing.  That together they took the mantle of becoming a family upon them both.  Then, unfortunately, it gets sad. 

the Lord accepted his prayer and Rebecca his wife conceived.

It seems incredible that G-d would accept his prayer and not hers.  I choose to believe in the positive side of the discussion.  That for many years Rebecca had been anguished and wanting a child.  Then when two became one and prayed opposite each other to G-d, declaring seperately and together that they wanted to make a family, then G-d answered.

I know to many women, to many families struggling to make the family they always envisioned.  If this is a testament to them at all, read inside the story that standing together as a couple, as future parents might make all things possible.

How do you read Toldot this week?

Women Power Parsha

Have you read this weeks Parsha?    As a mother of daughter's this is one of those parsha's that don't seem to be discussed very much, but has a profound impact upon the rights of women everywhere.  Chapter 27 is when the four righteous daughters of  Zelophehad stand up for their rights of inheritance and it's shown that sons and daughters have equal rights to what was their fathers.

Chapter 27

1The daughters of Zelophehad the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh the son of Joseph, came forward, and his daughters' names were Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.		אוַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה:
2They stood before Moses and before Eleazar the kohen and before the chieftains and the entire congregation at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, saying,		בוַתַּעֲמֹדְנָה לִפְנֵי משֶׁה וְלִפְנֵי אֶלְעָזָר הַכֹּהֵן וְלִפְנֵי הַנְּשִׂיאִם וְכָל הָעֵדָה פֶּתַח אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד לֵאמֹר:
3"Our father died in the desert, but he was not in the assembly that banded together against the Lord in Korah's assembly, but he died for his own sin, and he had no sons.		גאָבִינוּ מֵת בַּמִּדְבָּר וְהוּא לֹא הָיָה בְּתוֹךְ הָעֵדָה הַנּוֹעָדִים עַל יְהֹוָה בַּעֲדַת קֹרַח כִּי בְחֶטְאוֹ מֵת וּבָנִים לֹא הָיוּ לוֹ:
4Why should our father's name be eliminated from his family because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father's brothers. "		דלָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ:
5So Moses brought their case before the Lord.		הוַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה:

Now I'm not saying that everything is roses here.  The text goes on to say that if a man has no sons then his daughters inherit, but if he has no daughters than his brothers (not sisters) get it.  If not a brother than his uncles (not Aunts) and so on.  But I'm still going to chalk this up to a victory for women everywhere.  

This is big news.  That these five sisters banded together to come to Moses and Eleazar (not to mention the entire congregation of the meeting) and say before all that they believed they were entitled to something.  Not just something, but everything.  They didn't want to share the inheritance with their Uncles, they stood up for themselves, and women and daughters everywhere, to get what was their due.

Now I'm not going to go into the legalistic quibbles about whether these women had to marry their cousins in order to inherit (which is probably true, since we talk about that a few pages later.)  It's a moralistic quandry to be sure, but not the message I'm trying to relate.

All to often I'm talking with EG about speaking up, getting across her point and using her words.  Here five women stood amongst men to claim what was theirs.  And rightfully so.

Additionally these are five sisters (shout out to H5!) who have eachother's backs.  Imagine what would have happened if four had stood together.  That means they are really all standing apart. 

There is a special bond between sisters (love you Becca!) and I want EG to embrace that bond with Ocho.  There will be many moments of difficulty, but this torah story illustrates that it's possible to stand-up to speak up and to stand together as one.  

Now EG and Ocho aren't quite ready for this story, but I think this YouTube video sums the parsha up fairly well, and puts the focus where I think it should be- the victory of women's rights and the idea of speaking up for your self.

Jewish Summer School at Home...?

 Now that the summer is almost upon us, I'm working hard to set-up a mini curriculum for EG.  She'll be home for at least the first portion of the summer, since we'll be moving through July.  I think we've found a great new school for her, but we're still waiting until we are absolutely sure (aka closing on the property) to tell EG.

So, in the meantime I'm going to keep her home.  But I don't want to have weeks and weeks of complete chaos.  I know that kiddos thrive on routine, and without a game plan I'm afraid that we'll end up totally sick of each other in just about every way.

In getting together a game plan, I've started with a Jewish piece.  I've always wanted to bring more Jewish learning into our home- somehow bridge the gap between what she is learning at school (orthodox environment) and what we do at home (Reformadox).  So I've collected a few books.

Obviously I haven't been using these very much yet, but I'm excited to jump in.  Once I've used a few of the lesson plans, I'll come back and give an updated review.

1. Morah Morah, Teach Me Torah.  I chose this book because it goes through each of the weekly parsha.  It gives a clear and easily understood, developmentally appropriate overview of the parsha.  Then it goes on to give dozens of interactive/multimedia ideas about how to engage with what we are learning.  My favorite part is the interactive family discussion questions for the dinner table.  Not all of them are suitable for EG right now, but I'm thrilled that we'll be able to 'grow' into the book.

2. What's Jewish about Butterflies.  This book takes a totally different approach and explores what we might consider as 'ordinary' objects and adds some ideas about how to explore the Jewish roots or pieces of these ideas.  I got this one because I'm positive that I'll be doing some version of teaching EG letters, and I love the idea of a theme for the week.  That's something they do at her school now, so it will feel familiar for me to do it as well.  This way I can also throw in Jewish ideas into everything we do.  The school we are thinking about putting EG into also uses a book by the same author into how to incorporate Judaism into everyday classroom experiences.

3. Jewish and Me, a Teachers guide to Holidays.  This one also has a bit of a lofted view for EG right now, but I loved how it gives specific questions for each of the holidays to ask the children.  It gives a lesson plan approach, which I don't think I'll use, but will give me a framework to add additional things to the holidays.  Technically this is a companion book to the specific books about each holiday.  I got it because I think that I can use other pictures, etc to do what they are doing.  And I didn't want to buy the whole series.

Shavuot- Crafts for Kiddos

Wow- it's already time for Shavuot!  This year it coincides with Memorial Day weekend, which can make it an even more exciting holiday for all of us.

The holiday of Shavuot is celebrating that giving of the Torah to on Mt. Sinai.  The official moment when the ten commandments were given to the Jews of the world.  There is a precept that all Jewish souls that were ever going to be on earth were present when the 10 commandments were given.

In temples and congregations around the United States people everywhere are perfecting their cheesecake and blintz recipes.  It's the moment for the ice cream party of all ice cream parties, and while that's awesome, it's not exactly what I want my children to focus on when it comes time for Shavuot.

So, to celebrate the more religious aspect of the holiday, I present to you this 10 commandment craft for the kiddos:

Step 1:  Get one piece of white card stock for each child that will be doing a project.  I chose 12x12, but 8.5x11 is totally fine.  12x12 is scrap booking paper and I have a ton of it hanging around the house.

Step 2: Allow each child to choose one paint color- brush on hand to cover all the palm print.  Apply hand to paper.  Repeat with the second hand.

 Step 3:  Read off childs version of the 10 commandments, and assign each finger to a commandment.  In this case I also let EG choose which color pen I should use for each finger.  She really enjoyed that part.

The commandments for kiddos are very close to what they are in the Torah, except a bit simpler to explain and understand.

1. There is only one G-d
2. We should not make pretend G-ds
3. G-ds name is special
4. Remember Shabbat is a day to rest and say thank you.
5. Listen to your parents and take care of them
6. Do not hurt people
7. Love and look after everyone in your family
8. Do not take things that belong to other people
9. Do not say things that aren't true
10. Be happy with what you have.

I really like this version, because its simple and it re-enforces things that we want EG to do anyways.

I will be framing this and putting it up on EG's wall, a constant reminder of the top 10 commandments from G-d.

Do you have any shavuot crafts you'll be doing?

JLI: The Art of Parenting On Good Authority

This weeks' JLI Parenting class discussed parental authority, or what to do with the 'why' question our children constantly ask.

It started out with a story by Rabbi Yosef Titschak Schneersohn, one of the Chasidic rebbe's which told the story about how he learned to do the motions to the Modeh Ani prayer.  In the story his father tells him when he asks why that we do as we are told without asking.  Then his father called over an elder man and asked him if he knew why.  The older man answered 'because that is how I was taught to do it- that's what my father taught me.' Rabbi Yosef's father went on to say that before him was Moses, then Abraham.  Sometimes we need to do without asking why.

When we first discussed this story, it seemed a bit strange.  We can't always rely on the 'Moses and Abraham did it' or 'Sarah and Leah did it' response to our children's questions.  But underneath the answer is the real truth- sometimes we need to do without asking why.  Sometimes we just need to listen.

Do your children listen?  Or do they ask why?

Of course, we want our children to ask why on some level.  It means they have cognitive thinking, that they are exploring their world, especially if they are the age of EG.  She literally didn't know that the bathtub had what's called a faucet and handles- she was calling them wheels in the bathtub.  So, she asks why not because she wants to change my mind or argue her case, but because she doesn't know.  Eventually, however, our kids start turning why into a challenge.

The class goes on to explain how we need good authority from which to make our rules and decisions.  That we need our rules to come from a higher sense of our values, our beliefs and what we want for our children.  And that sometimes it's in the best interest of our children not to give an answer to 'why.'  That's not to say we should answer with 'because I said so', but rather sometimes it's important for our children to learn that not all requests have a why.   Or that sometimes you don't get to ask (say your boss, etc.)

For me the most moving part of the whole class was when we discussed a 'Jewish advantage.'  I'll go so far as to say that all people who hold G-d up in their hearts and minds probably have this advantage.

In order to share the advantage, we need to establish a few ideas first.  We need to agree that our children learn best by our modeling the behavior we expect to see.  We speak nicely, they speak nicely, etc.  We need to agree that there are fundamental things that are right and wrong.  Cheating, stealing, etc.  Whether those examples work for you is irrelevant, it's important to say that sometimes you speak from the perspective of 'because this is what's right.'  We also need to agree that our goals for our children are to teach them these morals and values that we hold dear.

Assuming all these things jive well with you as a parent, then here's the Jewish secret advantage. Each time you, as a parent, do something solely because G-d told you to (aka, light Shabbat candles, not use your phone on Shabbat, pray before a meal, not mix milk & meat, buy kosher candy, etc.) you are role modeling the subordinate behavior we are expecting from our children.

It's rare in 'regular' life that our children see us responding to requests and fulfilling them just because we were asked to.  They don't follow us to the office, nor do they see us in submissive roles to a higher power.

Therein lies the secret advantage of leading a Jewish lifestyle.  Each time we freely choose to submit to G-d's commandments and accept them as a foundation of our way of life and value system we show our children our ability to do as we want them to do.  When we do it with joy, we show them that they can do it too.  In a way it's like we're saying that the hierarchy of our family is them, us, then G-d and Torah.  That we don't just make things up or create demands based upon a whim - that all things come from a higher place.

As I said earlier, I'm fairly sure that those with faith have this advantage- regardless of the faith you subscribe to.  Going to church on Sundays, choosing to pray before meals, etc. all shows dedication to something we can't always understand- just like we want our children to listen and respond to us even if they don't understand.

The other big take away for me from the class was this sentence: Exodus 24: 7

"The people responded, "All that G-d spoke we will do and we will understand.'

Now perhaps this is the Jewish advantage, because according to BibleHub, there is no Christian verse that contains the context of 'understanding.'  Which to me is the whole crux of the issue.

First we will do, then we will understand.  We're not saying that our children don't need to understand.  We're saying that sometimes they need to DO first, then perhaps they can understand.  Sometimes we need them to DO (not run into the street after a ball) before we know that they will really UNDERSTAND the consequences (run over by a car/death)

This time, tonight, as you light your Shabbat candles remember that you are showing your children how to answer to a higher authority. That sometimes we DO, even when we don't know why.

Jewish Learning Institute: The Art of Parenting

I've begun taking this class through the JCC Chabad of the Beach cities, the same place that EG goes to school.  While it would be impossible to share all the knowledge I'm gleaning from the class, I thought I would share a bit about what I'm learning.

If you are available, the class takes place either Wednesday or Sunday morning from 9:30-11am.  It's a great class so far, so I encourage you to join in.

This past week we talked a lot about how we make choices as parents.  About choosing what's best for the child, and not making a decision based upon what's best for us as parents.  This seems like a really easy and straightforward concept, but in reality, it's often very murky.

We took two classic examples in class: the tantrum in the supermarket and the mismatched outfit being worn out of the house.  In both of these circumstances there are multitudes of different things playing out in our minds. 

There is so much pressure being a parent and it's something that can effect every decision we make.  When our kids make a scene in the grocery store we most likely aren't just thinking about what's best for my child.  We're likely thinking "what are these people thinking about me a parent.  This is so embarassing, how can I make her stop!"  We are overwhelmed with what others think about us.  Maybe it's not their opinions that count, but the reality of the fact that we need to pay for the groceries, not buy something we didn't want, ensure our kids aren't stealing anything, and that if we don't finish shopping, we won't have another chance to buy milk all week.

So we give in.  We abate the tantrum with a candy bar, or the other things out kids are asking us for.  To make it all stop. 

Sometimes we do need to give in.  Sometimes it's important to show our children that we listen to them, and buying the graham crackers they want can teach them that they are valued to.  Sometimes that candy bar is actually deserved.  But did we make that choice based upon what is best for them, or what was best for us.


Jewish teaching on parenting is complex at best, but at it's core there are a few guiding principles.  When we were discussing these practices and values in class I couldn't help but think about a few other classic Jewish conceptions: Derech Eretz and Shalom Bayit.  

Taken at it's literal interpretation, Derech Eretz means 'the way of the land.'  We can interpret this to mean that living a Torah life, a G-dly life, also means behaving with civility, earning a livelihood, and having common sense.  When we look at this concept, we can see that we have an obligation to teach our children to engage with the outside world in an appropriate manner.  Therefore tantrums in the grocery store aren't permitted.  Thinking of our world from this perspective can help remind us of our obligation to teach our children the proper way to engage with the world.  Think the Jewish version of Emily Post.


Another is Shalom Bayit, or peace in the home.  Taking this concept into yourself and making it a part of our lives might help us to choose decisions that make the most sense for our home.  When we go through life there are lots of outside influences.  Many of them are critically important to us, such as extended family, work obligations, even the weather.  But when you look at these from the perspective of Shalom Bayit it can help put into perspective our obligations to those of our own home. Maybe today we don't visit Grandp
a because it's not good for the peace of our house.

I hope that these ideas can help you guide your choices in the best interest of our children.  Child-rearing is a complicated and complex idea.  The stress we can put on ourselves can be unbearable.  So, while we keep these things in mind, above all else, remember that G-d doesn't give us more than we are ready to handle.  These children are yours- regardless of how they came into your life.  You are divinely created to help them, raise them, and guide them in becoming the adults they are meant to be.

Here's to you, and making choices. 

Torah Portion = Life: The Ten Plagues

This week's Torah Portion is Parasha Bo, the ten plagues and the people of Egypt.  I'm hesitant to say it, but this seems like the perfect portion for my life right now.

When we think about the Torah portion, many people are suprised to read the first sentence:

1. The Lord said to Moses: "Come to Pharaoh, for I have hardened his heart and the heart of his servants, in order that I may place these signs of Mine in his midst,

I have hardened his heart and the hearts of his servants.  G-d has made it so that Pharaoh is not able to bend his will. Why would G-d do that? Why would he, benevolent that he is, create a circumstance where he isn't getting the best from the people he's created.  Rather, he's creating a situation where he has to 'punish' them, as we usually think about the plagues.

'In order that I may place these signs of Mine in his midst,'

Such a powerful thought.  In order that these signs may be there.  In order that he may see these signs.  When we read the story of Moses and the Pharaoh we come to understand that the Pharaoh would bend, then change his mind.  His advisors would bend, then change their minds.  Over and over again, they lose their resolve.

It's like that with children.  Over and over they test our wills, and often we bend.  Often it is easier to give-in, or move along then to take the time, see the signs and do the parenting.  Sometimes, especially with a two-year old and a baby, I think I miss the signs right in front of my face.  You probably know what I'm talking about.  The signs that the day is to much, that the situation is out of hand.  The subtle signs that are right in front of my face.  It's not until there's an explosion, a plague if you will, that I really understand what's happening.  It's not until my child is doing something so beyond our values, our ideals, that I realize that I've bent right over.

All to often in our life we miss out on the subtle signs of life.  Our partner needing more space or more comfort. Our children needing a bit more guidance or nurturing.  So it is with Pharaoh.  He needed something powerful, something so above the ordinary to really see the power of G-d.

There are plagues all around us, and sometimes we need a cosmic shift to make a change.  This portion reminds us that these plagues are not just moments, but calls to action.  A chance to change our actions, a chance to shift our thinking.

In our lives and the lives of those around us we need to take these signs, these plagues, and use them as a way to shape our futures.  To change what we can to affect the world.  To have our eyes opened to the path or rightness.