Rosh Chodesh Iyar: The Wandering

 by  TheeErin

Have you celebrated Rosh Chodesh before? 

It's honestly not something that has really been part of my custom or tradition either.  Rosh Chodesh means the new month.  It's the time of month, every month, when we change from one month to the next.  Since we are on a lunar calendar, it's the celebration of the new moon.  So we celebrate the time when there isn't any moon at all.

Rosh Chodesh has traditionally been a celebration for women.  A chance to give ourselves to reflect, and refrain from doing work.  Rashi specifies that we should refrain from the work we did while building the Mishkan.  But today, we can choose to refrain from more types of work than just those (since I do so much sewing these days..)

The month of Iyar is a special time for observing Rosh Chodesh in my mind.  These days I'm thinking more about my Judaism each day as we recite the days of the Omer (look to your right- find the omer counter- jump in!).  It's an everyday reminder for me and my family that we are Jewish. 

And as a mom the month of Iyar and the idea of Rosh Chodesh during a new moon are particularly poinent.  It's the time when the Jewish people had left Egypt and are wandering the desert.  They've taken that leap of faith and are now subsumed with whether they've made the right choice.

You all know the story of the Golden Calf. (Click the link for a refresher- I'll wait)...

We had doubts.  Huge, undeniable, and scary doubts.  Just like we all do as Mothers. 

Everyday I make decisions.  Sometimes small (what's for dinner or snack) sometimes large (what school should my kindergartener go to!).  Sometimes we won't know the true outcome of these larger decisions for days, months, maybe even years.

We all have to choose a path.  And sometimes we have to stick to it.  Just like when we potty trained or sleep taught our children.  We choose a method, a style, an idea.  And we tried to stick to it.  They told us that before it got better, sometimes it would get worse. But how do we know if it's just rough going and the other side has glory, or if we've chosen wrongly?

As we transition into Iyar- and the Jewish people wander the desert searching and wondering alone- give yourself time this Rosh Chodesh to breathe.  To really silent yourself to listen to your intiution and your gut.  Allow yourself to follow those paths that have been working, and take a deep look at the ones you've just sort of wandered down.  Are they right for you?  For your children? For your family?  Trust your gut-then make a decision.

I have faith in you.

Purim is coming: DIY Costume!

I realize that Purim is only a little over 10 days away.  Under two weeks.  The title of my post must seem a bit impossible to you.  Purim is so so so close and you think I still have time to MAKE a costume.  Yes, yes I do.

Perhaps you go to a more conservative or orthodox synangogue.  Perhaps your daughter goes to a Jewish preschool that prefers their Purim to be purimy...not halloweeney.  Maybe you want your daughter to be Queen Esther, not dressed like Queen Elsa.  If that's true, then here is the answer for you- the Peasant Dress.  Easy to make, minimal or no sewing required.  In fact I have personally made two of these dresses inside of one evening after the kiddos went to bed.  I believe that you can to!

The first thing we need to know is what's a peasant dress.  It's a super simple dress not that far from the pillowcase dress. It has a gathered neckline and gathered sleeves, meaning that you make it out of basically a square and then use some elastic to make the neckline fit.

Here are some images of the ones I made for my kiddos.  The bright yellow tie and purple tie on the front is literally a shoelace from her lacing card kit.  In these cases I made these out of super simple fabric that was around, literally out of sheets.  Then I had them put over little vests that I made two.

Here are a few excellent tutorials on how to make them.  Since such great tutorials exist, I don't really think I need to write out another one.

Tutorial Number 1: Scattered Thoughts of a Crafty Mom
Tutorial Number 2: Once Upon a Sewing Machine
Tutorial Number 3: Sew like my Mom

For all of these tutorials you can easily use Iron seam tape.  Just make sure you buy the really good stuff that's totally permanent and spend a long time with the iron.  I also suggest that you take a blouse or a non-cotton shirt that is large on your child and use that as a base.  It can sometimes be much simpler than printing out the pattern.  You aren't making a dress forever, it's just for a day of fun.  If you want to make a super simple bodice, just use that hem tape to add a fancy ribbon.  You could even just tie it around the waist.   Here's a quick tutorial for a vest:

Tutorial Number 1- 8: All Free Sewing
Tutorial Number 9: One Moms Daily Drama

If you aren't up for making the vest just pair the Peasant dress with a skirt and an apron.  YOU CAN DO IT MAMA!


Top Photo: Stitched By Sara

Kesha: NOT an Agunah

I'm sure you've all heard the story of Kesha by now.  If you haven't here's the long and short of it via Skimm:

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND FORGETS HER WALLET AT HOME…

Will $250,000 get you through? Earlier this week, Taylor Swift wrote "$250,000" in the blank space on a check to Kesha to help the singer get through some tough times. Back in 2014, Kesha filed a lawsuit against her former producer Dr. Luke for allegedly drugging, raping, and verbally abusing her for years. Dr. Luke has denied the charges, and his lawyers sayKesha made up the claims to get out of her recording contract. Late last week, a NY judge said she can't get out of her contract early while the court case plays out. Lots of big name ladies in music – Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, and now T-Swift – have come out to support Kesha. 

So now that you have the DL on what's up with Kesha, let's talk about all the Jewish writers out there comparing her to an Agunah.  Wait, you don't know Agunah.  It's a Jewish terms which literally means a 'chained woman.'  Basically it boils down to the fact that in order to get a divorce a woman needs to have consent from her husband.  Here in America it's possible for you to have a civil divorce but not a religious one, which means that living with another man or having children would make them technically children born out of wedlock, despite a civil marriage to the contrary.

Back to Kesha.  What she's going through is really rough, and I do feel badly for her.  I can understand how being forced to stop working, unable to do what she loves and secure a financial future.  I don't agree with the court for enforcing the contract with her attacker, which means she is legally chained to a man who has abused her.  But I still don't think that makes her an agunah.

To compare a woman's ability to earn money as similar to her ability to raise her family, find and have love and enjoy any actual freedom is insane.  It belittles women around the world who are struggling to get a 'get.'  In a marriage you have an interplay of family, children, finances, home, everything a person needs to have and keep a secure life.  While Kesha might not be able to make money being a recording artist, there's nothing to stop her from having a safe home, a loving and normal relationship, etc.  Maybe she can do what Prince did to get out of his contract?

Divorce is an extremely complicated issue, which already has so many sides and factors to consider.  And the Jewish position which puts women at a disposition can really seem like an unfortunate side effect.  Here, however, lies the truth.  Neither a woman NOR A MAN can get granted a divorce without consent of the other.  The trouble lies in the fact that a man can 'lie' with another woman, father her children and those children will still be considered Jewish, not mamzerim.  A few movies show the legal difficulties of a woman, who might not be living with her husband, or whose husband may even be deceased without a body and the struggles they go through.

The discussion is particularly relevant, given the Daf Yomi tractate from the Talmud where the Rabbi's debate the particulars of a man granting his wife a gett.  IT's interesting to see the lengths they go to debate something.  To really try to understand the intricacies of what might happen, how that might change things, and where to go from there.

By all means, let's try to free Kesha.  But maybe, while you are thinking about her, you could also be thinking about any of these women, whose plight might be a bit graver than hers...

Redeem Rivky

Tu B'Shevat Celebration: Ideas for the Trees

Happy Tu B'Shevat!  I hope that everyone is having a lovely day celebrating the birthday of the trees.  I t hoght that this year I would go a little out side the 'norm' and not talk about the traditional seder or the eating of extra fruits this year, but rather help our little ones to feel a bit more connected to the trees, mother earth, and their power to impact our world.   Here are a few ideas for birthday presents for the trees:

1. CLEAN UP:  This can be as easy as taking a stroll through your own neighborhood and picking up trash, or as complicated as hiking through the forest.  No one wants to live somewhere dirty, and that includes the trees!  Help our children think of giving the trees the birthday present of a clean piece of dirt (oxymoron anyone).

2. USE LESS WATER:  Of course here in sunny SoCal we've been talking about this for months, but on the birthday of the trees it can be an important point of discussion to understand how a tree grows.  Of course at the end of the day we know the answer is through G-d, but the discussion can still explain how we plant the seed in the ground, give it soil and water and sun, and how it grows to give us shade and food.  Water is one of the most important things a tree needs to survive.  If we use less of it in our homes on ourselves, there is more for the trees!

3. USE LESS PAPER:  This is an especially important concept to introduce as children are young because the habits they form now as they are potty training and learning social manners become habits that are hard to break.  It's hard for a young child to understand that paper towels and toilet paper, not to mention coloring paper, etc. all come from trees.  So begin this discussion around Tu B'Shevat that each piece of paper is part of a tree.  If we use less, then the trees get that many more birthdays to celebrate!  Remind your child when that piece of paper isn't good enough for coloring, that it came from a tree.  And remember yourself as you craft away- crafting is great if it teaches something and engages your child, but sometimes it might be better to leave the paper goods alone....

4. RECYCLE YOUR WATER:  This might seem strange, but there are so many times when we are using water inefficiently.  When you are waiting for the shower to warm-up or the bath.  When you are doing dishes.  All of these times are places where we can recycle our water.  The easiest is when you wait for the bath or shower, since we haven't even used this water yet.  Take it outside, let the kids water the plants with it.


If we present the ideas to our children that the trees deserve birthday gifts too, it's an easy and fun way for our children to impact the world beyond themselves.

Hope you have a fun and exciting Tu B'Shevat!

Photos Creative Commons License via Flickr 1. gfpeck  2. by karolajnat

Jewish Parenting University

New this year Shalom Family, a division of the Jewish Federation and Family Services, will be hosting a series of classes called Jewish Parenting University.  It's for expectant parents, new parents, and parents of children under 5.  

SERIES BEGINS THIS WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20
SPACE IS LIMITED!

Designed for expectant and new parents, Jewish Parenting University is a Jewish peer parenting group focusing on an exploration of Jewish traditions and rituals connected to parenting through a Jewish lens. Guest facilitators and OC professionals will be discussing life cycle rituals, raising a Jewish mensch, and celebrating holidays and festivals in meaningful ways. Open to new parents, expectant parents, and parents with children 5 and under.

3-Part Series including:            

Wednesday, January 20 – Life Cycle Rituals with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin
Wednesday, January 27 – Raising a Jewish Mensch with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Tammy Keces, Principal & Lead Secular Educator of Irvine Hebrew Day School

Wednesday, February 3 – Celebrating Holidays & Festivals in Meaningful Ways with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Rabbi Stuart Light, TVT Community Day School

6:00 p.m. Kosher Dinner; 6:30 – 8:00 p.m. Session 

Location: Lakeview Senior Center

Childcare available upon request and provided by College Nannies & Tutors.

Register Now!

I know a couple of people going to the class, so hopefully I'll be able to convince them to maybe write up a few guests posts with some more information about the classes, and how the whole series was.  This is the first time they are offering this, and if you are at all interested, I highly recommend supporting the program.  

If we want programs like this to be offered as part of Shalom Family and JFFS then it's important that we attend and encourage them to keep hosting them.

Happy Birthday Mom- visiting a grave site

Today was my mother's birthday.  So the whole family made the trip all the way up to the cemetery to go and see her.  There were lots of groups there today- a few funerals, but lots of family groups visiting their loved ones.  However, despite all the activity, we were definitely the only group with children.  Especially young, little, tiny children.

I've tried to explain as best I can to my girls what it means to them that Grandma died.  We've had way, way, way to much death for their little short lives.  But, of course, it really doesn't matter when they learn about it, because it's going to happen eventually no matter what I have to say about the matter.

Jewish tradition doesn't put much stock in visiting the grave site of a loved one.  That's not to say it's not done on the memorial day, or on holy days, but it's sort of seen as a few and far between thing.  Judaism is all about acknowledging the pain, but keeping yourself in the present.  Additionally there is some worry that you could turn your deceased relative into some sort of deity by 'praying to them' at their grave site.  I only think it's interesting because the grave sites of many Rabbi's have become internationally known places to go and pray, not to mention the western wall, which is sort of like the grave site of the temple, no?

But moving on....

It can be sort of tricky to explain to a three year old why you are visiting your dead mother.  The conversation goes something like this....

EG: Where are we going Mom?

Me: To visit Grandma Judy.

EG:  Oh, okay.  Why are we visiting her?

ME: Because today is her birthday, and it's nice to go there to see her.

EG: But mom she can't see us.

ME: Well, I believe she can see us.  I know it's sort of confusing, but there are really two parts to each person.  Your physical body, the part you can touch, and a part we call your soul, which is inside of you that you can't touch.  Grandma Judy is with G-d, and G-d is everywhere, so she can see us.

EG: But Mom, G-d doesn't have eyes...

ME: Well, no he doesn't.  Do you remember the song from school?  Up Up, down down, right left and all around, here there and everywhere that's where he can be found... see, G-d is everywhere.  And so is Grandma Judy.

EG: Look Mom- my shoe won't go on right.

Thank goodness she usually gets distracted before I have to get to far into the conversation.  I'm not afraid to talk about death or G-d or, really, anything with my daughter.  But putting all these confusing topics into words is really hard.  Trying to help her understand.  This is the same girl who is worried about her missing front tooth because it can't see where to go, so she's trying to show it with her own eyes.

Then we get to the graveside.  We wander around looking for appropriate rocks.  One of these days/yahrtzeits I'm going to remember to have her look in advance and paint the rock to leave at the grave site. I think that would be a wonderful and nice tribute to my mom...but I digress.

There we are, with two little tinnies, who are rearranging rocks, adding pine cones, playing literally on my mothers stone.  I know Mom wouldn't mind, but that isn't how the other mourners felt.  We've got no one sitting in black, both of my kids are loud, and pointing out butterflies.  While Working Dad and I are a little subdued, neither of us are trying to shush the kiddos.

At the end of the day these children are her legacy.  They along with their cousins are all that is left in the world of her spirit, and I think they honor her to know where she is, to visit her and maybe connect with her and G-d.  I know that she would love to hear their sweet voices, even their sad cries and tears.  So I choose not to be upset by the fact that some others might not like it.  Let them mourn in their way, and we'll mourn in ours... loudly- with butterflies.

I've been on the search for some books to help with the subject, and the first one I come upon is this one:

It's like a sign from my mom, because she totally LOVED Dr. Laura. In fact she used to listen to her radio program every day, and when I got married the first thing she did was buy me her books about the care and feeding of a hubbie and marriage.

But then I kept looking, because one book might not be enough.  You never know what might click with a kiddo.  Then I found this one...

This is my mother's second favorite author.  And I'm so happy.  It's like G-d is speaking to me through Amazon tonight.  To show me these books, by these authors, because my daughter has questions about her Grandma.

Here's hoping these books with help us answer some of these questions.  Do you have any good books you go to?  Any good thoughts about how to talk to little ones about G-d and graves and death?

Toldot, a Mother's perspective

I've been reading the Torah portions again.  I'm so happy when I do that.  It's not always easy, and I definitely don't do it as much as I like.  With everything else going on it's hard sometimes to give myself the space and time I need to commit to reading and enjoying and exploring the Torah portion.

This week's portion is Toldot.  When most people read Toldot they focus on the relationship between Esau and Jacob.  Of course I understand why, the bulk of the Torah portion is about them and there is much to learn about the differences between Esau and Jacob, as well as how their parents respond to them.

But this week what struck me more than anything else were the first few sentences:

"And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife because she was barren, and the Lord accepted his prayer, and Rebecca his wife conceived."

My interest is in the many different views of this sentence.

The New International Version:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

The JPS Tanak Version:

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord responded to his plea, and his wife Rebekah conceived

In my mind the ideas behind these different version can be quite stark.  The idea that Isaac prayed opposite his wife shows a firm and true commitment.  An understanding of the joint anguish a couple can feel at not becoming pregnant.

It took my mother over seven years to become pregnant.  It wasn't an easy journey for her, or for my family.  In that time, however, I think that my father viewed it as more of my mother's problem.  I might be wrong, but that's my intuition based upon the conversations I had with my mother before she passed.

I have several friends who are currently pregnant and it's often difficult to see the transition from wife to mother in the girl, and yet a lack of transition from husband to father in the man.  He's not quite but sort of a father.  But the moment that she knows there is another life inside of her the wife and woman has become a mother.  Her choices aren't her own- from lunch to dinner to sleep and emotions.

So when I saw it Toldot that Isaac prayed opposite Rebecca it seemed amazing.  That together they took the mantle of becoming a family upon them both.  Then, unfortunately, it gets sad. 

the Lord accepted his prayer and Rebecca his wife conceived.

It seems incredible that G-d would accept his prayer and not hers.  I choose to believe in the positive side of the discussion.  That for many years Rebecca had been anguished and wanting a child.  Then when two became one and prayed opposite each other to G-d, declaring seperately and together that they wanted to make a family, then G-d answered.

I know to many women, to many families struggling to make the family they always envisioned.  If this is a testament to them at all, read inside the story that standing together as a couple, as future parents might make all things possible.

How do you read Toldot this week?

Hugging or Not?

I've blogged about this before, that a child has a right to decide if they want to physically interact with another person, be they child, adult or grandparent, but reading this article about a what a hug did inside of a church brought a whole additional piece to the puzzle.

In the story a child complained about an adult volunteer hugging her.  She told her mother, who spoke with the pastor and then the pastor spoke to the volunteer.  The next time the child encountered the volunteer, however, the adult forced another hug and a 'pinky-swear' not to tell mommy.  Luckily this child told her mother.  The church moved forward with an official notice to the Department of Social Services and all heck broke loose.

I am a firm believer that my child does not have to physically interact with another person she does not want to.  I am also a firm believer in being polite.  Not touching someone does not mean we don't say hello, make eye contact or otherwise engage in meaningful interchange.  But there is a line we cross when we engage with another person physically.

There are lots of arguments for and against the hugging controversy.  Yup, that's right, I called it a controversy.  Like we don't have enough on our plates that we are judging other people for whether their child shows the 'right' kind of affection the 'right way'?

From a Jewish perspective it's all a matter of Leviticus 18:6 through 18:19.  This torah portion is the direct start of the idea of Negiah or not touching between men and women.  Specifically Leviticus says:

"No man shall come near to any of his close relatives, to uncover [their] nakedness. I am the Lord."

It's interesting to note that it says 'come near' not just nakedness.  This shows us that there is, in fact, a proper level of removal between family members of a certain age. We do not follow Negiah, but it's interesting that the idea of not coming in close contact is very readily written and codified in Jewish law for us to fall back on.  This separation is even true during birth and labor, and interestingly enough when one of the partners in a marriage is observing Shiva.  One of these days I'm going to enlighten the world as to the gift of shiva to a grieving person...

Back to the topic at hand.  If you read those articles, you might have noticed some people complaining about how this is ruining their apologies too.  We already know how I feel about forced apologies.  The idea that you are ending your forced apology with a forced 'hug it out' scenario is just so incredible to me that I don't even know where to start. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not raising your children.  If you have a policy inside your home that your children hug it out when they apologize, good for you.  That's just not for me or my children.  So don't try to force your ideals onto my children either at the park of the classroom or the synagogue.

Of course the thing that I think is most startling about the article is that they seemed to entirely skip over the part where the volunteer adult told the child to 'pinky-swear' that they wouldn't tell their parents.  Red flag anyone?  Let's not even get started on secrets...this post is already getting to long.

Here's a cute hug to leave you with...because despite this post, I really do love Hugging!

All photos by Laura Layera, LuluPhoto

Attending a Bris

I often get questions about what to do when you attend a bris at someone's house.  For a lot of parents who may be interfaith or not overly religious the idea of a bris can be a bit scary- a medical procedure inside someone's home.  To cover the highlights a bris is when a Jewish son is circumcised, or when the foreskin of the penis is removed.  It is usually customary to formally name the child at this time, which can be the very first time the child is named, or the giving of a Hebrew name in addition to a secular one.  So here are a few tips to make your first bris the celebration it's meant to be.

1.  Bring along a gift of some kind.  No this isn't a requirement, but just like a birthday party or another event at someoen's home it's customary to bring a small gift to the baby boy.  This could be something as simple as  card with a check for $18 (chai) or a small stuffed animal.  I'm a huge fan of this onesie, which celebrates the naming of the child, rather than focusing on the religious aspect of the circumcision.

SmoochieBabyBoutique

2. Be prepared to stay for a while.   The process for a bris can range from 15 minutes to several hours.  A lot depends on the arrival of the Mohel and how the baby is doing.  There's usually some nosh, so grab a plate and plan to stick around for quite a bit. And on that note, be prepared to pitch in to help.  These people just had a baby, and they are hosting something akin to a party.  Help them out by taking care of something like the trash, the dishes, or just hiding their dirty socks under the couch.

3.  Don't expect to hold the baby.  This is not only a religious ritual, but it's also the first 8 days of baby's life.  Do use hand sanitizer whenever it seems you might get a chance, but don't be upset if mamma wants to keep the baby near her.  It can be traumatic for moms to hear their baby boys crying, so don't be concerned if she holds him close, and then when it's over usher's him back to his room for some quite time and/or nursing.

4. CELEBRATE.  It can seem a bit weird to shout Mazel Tov over the cries of a baby, or seeing the tears staining the new moms' eyes, but people who hold brises and invite people to share this moment are doing so because this is a great simcha.  It's a moment when they are declaring their dedication to Judaism, welcoming their son into the community of Jews and celebrating that he's come into this world.  So remember to raise a toast, speak kind and exciting words, and celebrate the joyous occasion.  

Learning a True Apology for Yom Kippur

One of my goals for EG right now is to start understanding the thoughts and processes behind an apology.  It's been an interesting road to travel down, not just within our family, but within the preschool system, the mommy wars, and the Jewish culture.

It all started a long time ago when I read "It's okay not to share, Renegade Rules for Parenting" and learned a little more about saying "I'm Sorry."  If I'm honest I hadn't given it much thought, but I had vivid memories of fights between my parents about those words.  In my mothers world, the fact that I issued the words I'm sorry meant that all was well and good.  In my fathers, those words meant nothing, and did nothing to change what ill I'd done.  With that in mind, I agreed with Heather Shumaker and decided not to force EG to say she was sorry until it meant something and she could understand what the thoughts were behind the words.

Fast forward to EG being in school for a while and she comes home and issues 'sorry's' left and right.  Just a quick little blip on the map, then moving on with her activity and day.  And that's when I really began to feel like Ms.Shumaker was right.  I don't want empty words to placate me.  However, EG had been learning this at school and it's hard to start to undo what was already done there.

So I redoubled my efforts to get EG to offer something other than empty words.  Ice or a hug when she hurt someone, help and a hand when she knocked something over.  But that didn't go over very well on the local playground.  I remember a vivid confrontation with one mother over my daughters lack of an apology.  Mind you, EG helped the boy up, offered him a turn on the swing, and otherwise was a perfect lady when it came to sorting out the problem.  But this mom only answered back with "Aren't you going to say you're sorry?"

Of course, I now realize the problem with that exchange wasn't just about saying it.  It's with a fundamental misunderstanding in our culture today between the words "I'm Sorry" and "I apologize."  These two things are fundamentally different, and this Yom Kippur I'm trying to set the record straight.

The definition of Sorry:

sor·ry

adjective

adjective: sorry; comparative adjective: sorrier; superlative adjective: sorriest

1.

feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else's misfortune.

 

The definition of Apology:

a·pol·o·gy

noun

noun: apology; plural noun: apologies

1.

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

Notice the big difference?  Sorry doesn't acknowledge any wrong doing on the part of the person involved.  It makes no one take responsibility for their actions and acknowledge a failure.  This could be a failure of communication, an accident, or an intentional infraction, but no matter what you caused it, and you should own up to it.

I've vowed this Yom Kippur to go beyond the surface and really get to the root of apologizing.  To teach my children that there is no shame, fear or embarrasment about acknowledging you did something wrong.  And as our children grow up one of the best things they can do as an adult is to accept their own failures, learn from them and move on. The new buzz word of the world is grit, and you can't have grit if you can't own up to your own mistakes.

So we'll be teaching EG a new way to apologize.  Starting with word choice. From now on I say the words 'I apologize' when I mean it, and 'I'm sorry' when it's appropriate. I'm helping EG to correct her word choice to.  And I'm offering up this model for her apologies:

1. I apologize for...

2. It was wrong because....

3. In the future I will...

4. Will you forgive me?

 

Of course, just because you apologize doesn't mean you get forgiveness.  It can sometimes take more than just a heartfelt apology to rid your heart of the anger or hurt you feel.  And EG has to learn that too.  It's all about the argument between my parents.  My mom was right that when someone truly apologizes that we should accept their apology.  My dad was right that just because you say some words it doesn't mean that my plate isn't broken anymore... Jewish talmud teaches us that you have to apologize three times to someone, to truly mean it before you can consider yourself having apologized properly and moving on without forgiveness.

If we truly see Yom Kippur as an opportunity for apologies and forgiveness then we can all take a step in the right direction this year.  I'm tired of the blanket 'if i did anything wrong, i'm sorry' approach, and I want to teach EG that she's better than that. I also believe that the heart of Yom Kippur honestly isn't about making apoligies, but rather learning to forgive.

 

I'm hoping that given time she will learn how to take responsibilities for her own actions, own up to the hurt she can cause others with her words and deeds, and then truly take the time to reflect and apologize.  We all know how untempered resentment can build up inside when you feel hurt or taken advantage of.  Hopefully when EG understands the steps to make amends she can make good friendships, be successful in school and work, and have lasting caring relationships.  But that may be too much to put onto one little apology....?

 

 

Jewish Tooth Fairy

I can't believe that I'm writing this, I can't believe that I have a need to figure this out right now.  But I do...

This past weekend while EG was in the loving care of my happy sister-in-law she had an incident.  She jumped off the slide and, in doing so, hit her chin with her knee.  Out popped one of her front teeth.  Thank goodness my SIL & BIL are kind and patient people, who took good care of EG.  She got ice cream, tylenol and a good old fashioned helping of Elsa and Anna. The girl couldn't have been happier.  Mommy however, absolutely devastated.

It's so so so so so hard to have something bad happen to your child.  Add to that the angst of not being there to do something about it. Nothing could be worse for a mother.

And so, here I find myself, debating the merits of the Tooth Fairy.  I took the time to poll just about everyone at Comic-Con what to say.  A few of my favorite responses:

"We got letters telling us our teeth were going to needy babies.  If we didn't brush well enough then she couldn't use our teeth.  I remember once giving a tooth, but not getting any money because she told me my teeth weren't clean enough"

"We had a tooth fairy, but I'm pretty sure I knew a day after she was introduced that she wasn't real."

Of course there were lots of people who didn't have that many memories, or really just didn't care one way or the other.

In my family we each had a different tooth fairy.  While there weren't any letters, etc, my Dad did spin great stories about our tooth fairies.  They were real people, and I honestly don't ever remember being upset about knowing they were fictional.  I don't remember that moment when I found out it was all a lie.

Since EG is so young, it's not like she's inundated at school with inquiries about the tooth fairy. Unlike Santa it's not like there is an army of Tooth Fairies coming out at the same time each year.  I asked my SIL if her kiddos mentioned it, just so I could see if the die had been cast.  She said her kids did mention it, but there has been no mention of it from EG at all.

I'm not sure about having a ceremony for the whole thing, but I did want to mark the occasion somehow.  EG, she wanted me to throw the tooth in the trash.  I wonder if she will remember that thought when I show her the album that has the tooth in later years..?

Turns out that Jewish kids are a step ahead in not believing the fantasies of childhood.  (I didn't access the whole article) Or maybe a step behind if you think about it that way.  There is something magical about having these characters as part of childhood- the idea behind them.  But there is also something sad about telling our children such lies.

I think I like this take on it best, which shows that sometimes even when you've answered your child directly, they don't really take these thoughts to heart as much as we think they do.  How often does EG forget what she's had for dinner, let alone the million of things I say in a day.

I did really like the idea of having a tooth fairy to help teach and learn about flossing, brushing, etc.  The girl at the Convention (yes you phone stealer and photo snapper!) whos parents told her the teeth are used for babies certainly had good motivation for keeping her teeth clean.  And for EG getting her to brush was a nightmare.   If I can have years of good teeth maintenance for the price of $.25 a tooth then I think I'm totally up for that....

This Rabbi is convinced that it doesn't really matter, and I think I agree with him.  He's kind in saying that it's not a lie, really, it's the same thing as running away from the dinosaur under the bed.  But his insistence on not paying kids for doing nothing...?  That one dosen't sit well with me.  As a commenter points out, there is a lot of work towards keeping your teeth healthy.

I think the ending news is that we've done nothing.  She didn't see the dentist until today, and for some reason I wanted to show her the tooth.  And EG isn't interested in putting it under her pillow- as I mentioned, she wants it in the trash.

We did say the Shehecyanu prayer, which we've been saying a lot lately.  I thought it was a good way to mark the occasion.  And it was so funny when we were going to my Dad's house (Grambe) that she told us that no one was supposed to tell him.  "No one.  Shhh"

For now I'll just have my holey grin cutie.  We'll really worry about the Tooth Fairy if/when she looses another tooth and asks about it.

Do you have the tooth fairy?  Any advice?

G-d Bless In-laws

I'm witing this post on the amtrak train to San Diego's comic con.  Yup, I go to comic-con.  But the reason behind the post is because my children aren't with me.  They are with my in laws.

For the first time in forever my baby Ocho is spending the night without me.  I'm overwhelmed with nerves.  But this isn't really about Ocho, it's about EG and the fact that she wants to celebrate shabbat with her cousins...her Christian cousins.  And my wonderful sister in law are going to do it for her.

When EG first asked about shabbat I was a bit out of sorts because this was the first time I've had to tell her that her cousins don't celebrate shabbat like we do.  I never really hid this fact, but we are celebrating people who do Easter and Christmas with them and yet it doesn't really come up that they are different.  Until now.

So I talked with my sister in law and she said she was happy to share shabbat
with EG.   Next I googled 'jewish child celebrating shabbat with non-jewish inlaws'.  And nothing...at least nothing good.

I'm amazed at how apparently infrequently families move beyond their comfort zones to make others happy.  There were some scary things that people talked about using that search criteria...

So here's to inclusive families. And the fact that shabbat is easy to do at home without much fuss.  

Is your child staying somewhere and wants to do shabbat?  Here are the easy directions and prayers to send along.

1.  Send along at least two candles, though in families with kids I prefer to do one candle per person.  That way everyone feels represented and included.

2. Send some challah.  This is likely the only thing that someone wouldn't have that they would need.  Plus it's nice to send bread anyways... just a lovely hand-made hostess gift.

3. Remove the stress and prep your child.  It's so important to have a conversation with the hosts about how the essence of the holiday is enjoyment, relaxation and rest.  It shouldn't be something that's hard, it should be fun.  By the same token, prep your child.  It's likely that you lead shabbat at home and here it will be up to your child to take a larger role.  Afditionally it won't be like shabbat at home is, it will be different.

4.  Send these easy instructions:

Shabbat at home:
Candle Prayer:

Transliteration: Baruch a-ta Adonoi Elo-hei-nu  me-lech. ha-o-lam.  a-sher  ki-di-sha-nu. bi-mitz-vo-tav. vi-tzi-va-noo. li-had-leek. ner shel Shabbat.

*light candles first then say prayers.  It's typical to cover your eyes as well.

Prayer over children

May God Bless you and guard you. May the light of God shine upon you, and be gracious to you. May the presence of God be with you and give you peace.

*this is usually said while holding your hands on the heads of your children.

Prayer over wine.  Baruch Ata Adonoi Elo-hei-nu me-lech ha-o-lam borei porei hagafen. 

*Any wine, or grape juice, will do.  

Prayer over challah:  Baruch Ata Adonoi Elo-hei-nu me-lech ha olam hamotzi lechem  min ha aretz.  

*It's tradition to put some salt to remember the temple, and honey for a good sweet shabbat.

Here's to a good shabbat, and a restful one for you and everyone.

Women Power Parsha

Have you read this weeks Parsha?    As a mother of daughter's this is one of those parsha's that don't seem to be discussed very much, but has a profound impact upon the rights of women everywhere.  Chapter 27 is when the four righteous daughters of  Zelophehad stand up for their rights of inheritance and it's shown that sons and daughters have equal rights to what was their fathers.

Chapter 27

1The daughters of Zelophehad the son of Hepher, the son of Gilead, the son of Machir, the son of Manasseh, of the families of Manasseh the son of Joseph, came forward, and his daughters' names were Mahlah, Noah, Hoglah, Milcah, and Tirzah.		אוַתִּקְרַבְנָה בְּנוֹת צְלָפְחָד בֶּן חֵפֶר בֶּן גִּלְעָד בֶּן מָכִיר בֶּן מְנַשֶּׁה לְמִשְׁפְּחֹת מְנַשֶּׁה בֶן יוֹסֵף וְאֵלֶּה שְׁמוֹת בְּנֹתָיו מַחְלָה נֹעָה וְחָגְלָה וּמִלְכָּה וְתִרְצָה:
2They stood before Moses and before Eleazar the kohen and before the chieftains and the entire congregation at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting, saying,		בוַתַּעֲמֹדְנָה לִפְנֵי משֶׁה וְלִפְנֵי אֶלְעָזָר הַכֹּהֵן וְלִפְנֵי הַנְּשִׂיאִם וְכָל הָעֵדָה פֶּתַח אֹהֶל מוֹעֵד לֵאמֹר:
3"Our father died in the desert, but he was not in the assembly that banded together against the Lord in Korah's assembly, but he died for his own sin, and he had no sons.		גאָבִינוּ מֵת בַּמִּדְבָּר וְהוּא לֹא הָיָה בְּתוֹךְ הָעֵדָה הַנּוֹעָדִים עַל יְהֹוָה בַּעֲדַת קֹרַח כִּי בְחֶטְאוֹ מֵת וּבָנִים לֹא הָיוּ לוֹ:
4Why should our father's name be eliminated from his family because he had no son? Give us a portion along with our father's brothers. "		דלָמָּה יִגָּרַע שֵׁם אָבִינוּ מִתּוֹךְ מִשְׁפַּחְתּוֹ כִּי אֵין לוֹ בֵּן תְּנָה לָּנוּ אֲחֻזָּה בְּתוֹךְ אֲחֵי אָבִינוּ:
5So Moses brought their case before the Lord.		הוַיַּקְרֵב משֶׁה אֶת מִשְׁפָּטָן לִפְנֵי יְהֹוָה:

Now I'm not saying that everything is roses here.  The text goes on to say that if a man has no sons then his daughters inherit, but if he has no daughters than his brothers (not sisters) get it.  If not a brother than his uncles (not Aunts) and so on.  But I'm still going to chalk this up to a victory for women everywhere.  

This is big news.  That these five sisters banded together to come to Moses and Eleazar (not to mention the entire congregation of the meeting) and say before all that they believed they were entitled to something.  Not just something, but everything.  They didn't want to share the inheritance with their Uncles, they stood up for themselves, and women and daughters everywhere, to get what was their due.

Now I'm not going to go into the legalistic quibbles about whether these women had to marry their cousins in order to inherit (which is probably true, since we talk about that a few pages later.)  It's a moralistic quandry to be sure, but not the message I'm trying to relate.

All to often I'm talking with EG about speaking up, getting across her point and using her words.  Here five women stood amongst men to claim what was theirs.  And rightfully so.

Additionally these are five sisters (shout out to H5!) who have eachother's backs.  Imagine what would have happened if four had stood together.  That means they are really all standing apart. 

There is a special bond between sisters (love you Becca!) and I want EG to embrace that bond with Ocho.  There will be many moments of difficulty, but this torah story illustrates that it's possible to stand-up to speak up and to stand together as one.  

Now EG and Ocho aren't quite ready for this story, but I think this YouTube video sums the parsha up fairly well, and puts the focus where I think it should be- the victory of women's rights and the idea of speaking up for your self.

Judaism on Turning Three

There is a little known celebration in Judaism for when a child turns three.  No, let me correct that, for when a boy turns three. (yes, there is more to that, yes I'll get to it.) 

There is a statement in the Talmud that compares men to trees, and according to the Torah (commandment 'orlah') you aren't supposed to take fruit or cut a tree until it's third season.  So, since boys are like trees, we don't cut a boys hair until he turns three.

Seems simple, at least when you look up the term Upershin, it seems like a simple little haircut. 

But the reality is so much more...

I went to my first Upershin this past week.  It was absolutely stunning.  The decor, the atmosphere, the celebration.  I love the people who's son we were celebrating.  I have nothing but goodwill and heart-felt congratulations for them.  But I have a lot of problems with an upershin.  And no, none of them have to do with the hair.

The thing they don't really convey with all of their definitions of haircutting is the underlying premise of the whole exercise.  A child's change from being an observer of mitzvot to beginning to learn mitzvot and be responsible for creating good in the world.

Go back and read that again.  Yup.  That's the ticket.  This is what we're really celebrating at an upershin.  It goes way beyond a boy wearing a kippah and tzitzit.  This boy is going to start his formal education in Judaism and start to learn what he needs to know to be a Jewish adult.  Because remember, we only have until he's 13 to teach him everything he needs to know on that score.  We are taking him education in hand today, and starting to impress upon him the gloriousness that is Judaism and Torah.

So let's get back to the real issue.  Why is this only for boys?

It just so happens that an Upershin would be perfect for EG.  My darling daughter hasn't had her hair cut since she's been born.  We have been telling her since she's started asking that she gets her hair cut at three.  Why three you ask- Working Dad just picked that number  at random.  Coincidence?

There is another theory out there about why we wait until three to cut a boys hair.  Again starting at commandment 'orlah' but branching out in a totally different direction.  The Torah is the Tree of Life, and since we are commanded not to partake of the fruits of a tree for the first three years of growth, so it would go that in the first three years of our lives the lessons of the Torah, or the 'fruits of the Tree of Life', is off limits to us.  Torah isn't always easy.  It's not like reading Spot.  At age three, the theory is, our understanding has developed enough to begin learning Torah.  We finally get a taste of the fruit from the 'Tree of Life.'

At the upershin it's customary to have the child start his Torah study right there- usually with a Hebrew alphabet covered in honey.  It's a celebration of the start of an obligation.  That's right, a celebration of an obligation.  On Sunday he didn't need to wear tzitzit, but on Monday he does.  And by celebrating it in this way it makes it something joyous to do, not a negative association.

Now I would be amiss if I didn't point out that there's a tradition that a girl starts lighting candles when she turns three, but somehow the impact of lighting candles and what happens at an upsherin are vastly different.  It's also cloaked in halachic confusion, and also intensely clear that even if you support her lighting the candle her candle cannot count for the obligation to perform the mitzvot.

It all comes down to how we teach our girls what it means to be Jewish at our earliest opportunities.   Singing songs about Ama lighting candles and Abba going to shul; Challah-making for girls, Torah study for boys.

I don't want EG or Ocho to think that Torah isn't sweet.  I want them to have the fruits of the Torah as well.  I want both of my girls to delight in baking challah, learning Talmud, questioning tradition and talking to G-d.  I want all the opportunities of a Jewish life to come easily to them both.  

I could only find one other account of a Jewish girls Upsherin.  While we won't be having her haircut be part of this ritual, I'm determined to celebrate my daughter's transition from babyhood to childhood.  I'm determined to find the spirit in the Upershin and bring it out in EG. 

Here's to a haircut!

Rambam on Marraige

When we think about parenting, we don't always think about marriage.  But I believe that at the core of every new human being are the two people who created that life.  Does it always have to be that way, absolutely not.  Sometimes it's just not to be that the people who created life will raise up that child.  But I still think that one of the most important things that we can do for our children is prioritize our marriages.

It's interesting to me, because one of the core beliefs in Judaism is that it's critical to have children (the first of the 613 mitzvot: Be fruitful and multiply) but, as we all know, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

After I shared last week about how difficult it's been to be a solo parent I don't think I gave enough voice to how hard it is to be without your spouse.  I got married because I wanted to be with my husband.  To form a bond with him of the highest sense- to fuse our souls together as one.  But it's not always easy.

Rambam gives us some interesting thoughts on marriage:

Our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast a superfluous measure of fear over her. He should talk with her gently, being neither sad nor angry.

 

And similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy.

 (Mishneh Torah, Ishut Chapter15)

Now, these phrases are caught up in  a lot of text about having babies, getting divorced, and letting your husband have his way with you, but I think these portions have a place in everyone's life. 

It can often seem a burden to relate to your spouse in the best way possible. To give them the respect you know they deserve, because you also know that their job is to love you anyways. That you have been nice to the gardener, the mail man, the grocer, the co-worker and your boss today and you don't have any niceness in you left for your kids let alone for your husband. 

But then we remember Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) and we remember that we alone can change our fate.  We are in charge of our own actions and our own happiness.  I can choose to see the glass half empty or half full.  Heck, I can just add more water!

It's giving our spouses respect that can add water to the well. 

My mom used to tell me about the Well of Goodwill that each person has for another.  Ironically your well of goodwill is most full with an absolute stranger you see on the street.  You've just drilled a new hole in the ground for them and they've yet to do anything to take the water out.  With your spouses, however, your well is a constantly shifting experience. 

Today he brought you flowers and added some water.  But later he left his dirty socks on the clean laundry and dropped that bucket of water all over the floor. 

If we think of filling our well by showing respect to our spouses we need not worry about love.  Through our respectful actions, thoughts and care we will inherently add both water in our well and love in our hearts.

Rambam gives us a foundation for understanding that love is not the end all be all of a relationship.  We all know that there are moments in our lives when we don't feel love at all- we feel disappointment, anger, resentment and a whole host of other feelings.  But honor and respect are more than just feelings- they are actions.  They are the way we honestly and truly love our spouse for them self.

What is love at it's base?  A feeling that I have for you.  It has nothing to do with you.  How often have we seen people in love with someone who doesn't feel the same for them?  My classic example right now is Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory.  She loves him, but he barely thinks about his emotions at all.  When I love you I'm feeling something inside of me, not really something about you.

But honor and respect are ways that I interact with valuing you.  They show you that I care about you on a deeper and more fundamental level than my self-love. 

Beyond respect and honor Rambam gives us some truth about me being from Mars and Women from Venus.  He clearly tells us that a woman wants to be shown her love through actions (accordance to his means) and words (talk with her gently).  She wants to think that she is the most important thing in the world (honor her more, love him as himself)

While a man needs to be shown his respect by being seen as competent and capable of making decisions (according to his directives) and that he needs to be validated in her world (shun everything he disdains). 

While Working Dad and are in this separation and in this melting pot of stress and trouble I can see only to clearly how much Rambam knows.  I am constantly telling him that I want him to prioritize us over the weekends, that I want to see his love and hear his thoughts.  He is constantly feeling like he has to make all these decisions and be on top of everything for fear that it might all fall apart.

But if we can find a way to come back to the beginning.  Back to the respect we all deserve then our marriage's foundation will go from fragile sand to hard cement.  If we can think with our minds not that the well is full or empty, but that we can constantly be adding water to it then I know we will all be alright.

Jewish Summer School at Home...?

 Now that the summer is almost upon us, I'm working hard to set-up a mini curriculum for EG.  She'll be home for at least the first portion of the summer, since we'll be moving through July.  I think we've found a great new school for her, but we're still waiting until we are absolutely sure (aka closing on the property) to tell EG.

So, in the meantime I'm going to keep her home.  But I don't want to have weeks and weeks of complete chaos.  I know that kiddos thrive on routine, and without a game plan I'm afraid that we'll end up totally sick of each other in just about every way.

In getting together a game plan, I've started with a Jewish piece.  I've always wanted to bring more Jewish learning into our home- somehow bridge the gap between what she is learning at school (orthodox environment) and what we do at home (Reformadox).  So I've collected a few books.

Obviously I haven't been using these very much yet, but I'm excited to jump in.  Once I've used a few of the lesson plans, I'll come back and give an updated review.

1. Morah Morah, Teach Me Torah.  I chose this book because it goes through each of the weekly parsha.  It gives a clear and easily understood, developmentally appropriate overview of the parsha.  Then it goes on to give dozens of interactive/multimedia ideas about how to engage with what we are learning.  My favorite part is the interactive family discussion questions for the dinner table.  Not all of them are suitable for EG right now, but I'm thrilled that we'll be able to 'grow' into the book.

2. What's Jewish about Butterflies.  This book takes a totally different approach and explores what we might consider as 'ordinary' objects and adds some ideas about how to explore the Jewish roots or pieces of these ideas.  I got this one because I'm positive that I'll be doing some version of teaching EG letters, and I love the idea of a theme for the week.  That's something they do at her school now, so it will feel familiar for me to do it as well.  This way I can also throw in Jewish ideas into everything we do.  The school we are thinking about putting EG into also uses a book by the same author into how to incorporate Judaism into everyday classroom experiences.

3. Jewish and Me, a Teachers guide to Holidays.  This one also has a bit of a lofted view for EG right now, but I loved how it gives specific questions for each of the holidays to ask the children.  It gives a lesson plan approach, which I don't think I'll use, but will give me a framework to add additional things to the holidays.  Technically this is a companion book to the specific books about each holiday.  I got it because I think that I can use other pictures, etc to do what they are doing.  And I didn't want to buy the whole series.