Rosh Chodesh Iyar: The Wandering

 by  TheeErin

Have you celebrated Rosh Chodesh before? 

It's honestly not something that has really been part of my custom or tradition either.  Rosh Chodesh means the new month.  It's the time of month, every month, when we change from one month to the next.  Since we are on a lunar calendar, it's the celebration of the new moon.  So we celebrate the time when there isn't any moon at all.

Rosh Chodesh has traditionally been a celebration for women.  A chance to give ourselves to reflect, and refrain from doing work.  Rashi specifies that we should refrain from the work we did while building the Mishkan.  But today, we can choose to refrain from more types of work than just those (since I do so much sewing these days..)

The month of Iyar is a special time for observing Rosh Chodesh in my mind.  These days I'm thinking more about my Judaism each day as we recite the days of the Omer (look to your right- find the omer counter- jump in!).  It's an everyday reminder for me and my family that we are Jewish. 

And as a mom the month of Iyar and the idea of Rosh Chodesh during a new moon are particularly poinent.  It's the time when the Jewish people had left Egypt and are wandering the desert.  They've taken that leap of faith and are now subsumed with whether they've made the right choice.

You all know the story of the Golden Calf. (Click the link for a refresher- I'll wait)...

We had doubts.  Huge, undeniable, and scary doubts.  Just like we all do as Mothers. 

Everyday I make decisions.  Sometimes small (what's for dinner or snack) sometimes large (what school should my kindergartener go to!).  Sometimes we won't know the true outcome of these larger decisions for days, months, maybe even years.

We all have to choose a path.  And sometimes we have to stick to it.  Just like when we potty trained or sleep taught our children.  We choose a method, a style, an idea.  And we tried to stick to it.  They told us that before it got better, sometimes it would get worse. But how do we know if it's just rough going and the other side has glory, or if we've chosen wrongly?

As we transition into Iyar- and the Jewish people wander the desert searching and wondering alone- give yourself time this Rosh Chodesh to breathe.  To really silent yourself to listen to your intiution and your gut.  Allow yourself to follow those paths that have been working, and take a deep look at the ones you've just sort of wandered down.  Are they right for you?  For your children? For your family?  Trust your gut-then make a decision.

I have faith in you.

Kesha: NOT an Agunah

I'm sure you've all heard the story of Kesha by now.  If you haven't here's the long and short of it via Skimm:

WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOUR FRIEND FORGETS HER WALLET AT HOME…

Will $250,000 get you through? Earlier this week, Taylor Swift wrote "$250,000" in the blank space on a check to Kesha to help the singer get through some tough times. Back in 2014, Kesha filed a lawsuit against her former producer Dr. Luke for allegedly drugging, raping, and verbally abusing her for years. Dr. Luke has denied the charges, and his lawyers sayKesha made up the claims to get out of her recording contract. Late last week, a NY judge said she can't get out of her contract early while the court case plays out. Lots of big name ladies in music – Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Kelly Clarkson, and now T-Swift – have come out to support Kesha. 

So now that you have the DL on what's up with Kesha, let's talk about all the Jewish writers out there comparing her to an Agunah.  Wait, you don't know Agunah.  It's a Jewish terms which literally means a 'chained woman.'  Basically it boils down to the fact that in order to get a divorce a woman needs to have consent from her husband.  Here in America it's possible for you to have a civil divorce but not a religious one, which means that living with another man or having children would make them technically children born out of wedlock, despite a civil marriage to the contrary.

Back to Kesha.  What she's going through is really rough, and I do feel badly for her.  I can understand how being forced to stop working, unable to do what she loves and secure a financial future.  I don't agree with the court for enforcing the contract with her attacker, which means she is legally chained to a man who has abused her.  But I still don't think that makes her an agunah.

To compare a woman's ability to earn money as similar to her ability to raise her family, find and have love and enjoy any actual freedom is insane.  It belittles women around the world who are struggling to get a 'get.'  In a marriage you have an interplay of family, children, finances, home, everything a person needs to have and keep a secure life.  While Kesha might not be able to make money being a recording artist, there's nothing to stop her from having a safe home, a loving and normal relationship, etc.  Maybe she can do what Prince did to get out of his contract?

Divorce is an extremely complicated issue, which already has so many sides and factors to consider.  And the Jewish position which puts women at a disposition can really seem like an unfortunate side effect.  Here, however, lies the truth.  Neither a woman NOR A MAN can get granted a divorce without consent of the other.  The trouble lies in the fact that a man can 'lie' with another woman, father her children and those children will still be considered Jewish, not mamzerim.  A few movies show the legal difficulties of a woman, who might not be living with her husband, or whose husband may even be deceased without a body and the struggles they go through.

The discussion is particularly relevant, given the Daf Yomi tractate from the Talmud where the Rabbi's debate the particulars of a man granting his wife a gett.  IT's interesting to see the lengths they go to debate something.  To really try to understand the intricacies of what might happen, how that might change things, and where to go from there.

By all means, let's try to free Kesha.  But maybe, while you are thinking about her, you could also be thinking about any of these women, whose plight might be a bit graver than hers...

Redeem Rivky

Moving Home

It's finally happened.  We've moved our family into the new house. Despite the workmen still coming in and out daily, it is beginning to feel like home.  Sitting on our couch by the fireplace.  Putting Ocho to bed in her wooden crib rather than a pack n play.  Putting our Ketubah on the wall and our mezuzah on the doorpost.

There have been so many emotions in moving to a new place.  Boxes everywhere, tears were shed. On the way over to the new house EG told my in-laws that she wasn't going to sleep there.  That she was going home to Grandpa's house.

It's always tough to transition the family into a new place, so here are a few tips for doing it with kiddos:

1. Prioritize their spaces.  I know this seems a bit counter intuitive, but the reality is that you can unpack the kitchen while the children sleep, but you can't put away their toys in their rooms.  The faster they feel safe, secure and home the better off everyone will be.  It also helps to let them explore where toys are, clothing, and all the things they may have missed during the move.

2. Think about windows, doors and lights.  There's nothing worse then getting out of the shower after washing off all the moving dirt to suddenly realize that the whole neighborhood can see you in your towel.  It seems obvious, but children are exceptionally sensitive to light and are so quick on the pick-up.  They might open the door you never thought they would.  The last thing you need is your 3 year old opening the front door while you think they are safe inside the house.  Trust me...

3. Do it all at once.  Just like ripping off a band-aid and moving to a toddler bed it's best to just do it all at once.  There won't be that many days of transition and the faster you establish the 'new normal' the better off you are.  It can be tempting to try some sort of easing into it, whether letting Ocho sleep in the pack n' play, or letting everyone play at the new house then return to the old to sleep.  It just confuses things and prolongs the adjustment period.

4. Set up Standards.  One of the hardest things with moving is figureing out where everything should go.  As an adult it's okay to think that you can put something somewhere then move it.  But for kiddos that's so much harder.  We have totally lost that battle on the shoes.  We didn't have the support we needed to put together our shoe cabinet until just last night, so everyone has just started throwing shoes on the floor by the door.  Can we change it? Yes, but it will take time and diligence.  Plus a rug by the the garage door..
.

5. Do something nice for yourself.  Something to make your home yours.  Putting up the mezuzahs was ours, but also commanded.  This door hanger, however, makes the house feel like a home.  It was a gift from Working Dad's brother and his wife.  And we love it.  It makes our house chime with happiness whenever you open the door.  It's your home... do your thing!

Jewish Parenting University

New this year Shalom Family, a division of the Jewish Federation and Family Services, will be hosting a series of classes called Jewish Parenting University.  It's for expectant parents, new parents, and parents of children under 5.  

SERIES BEGINS THIS WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20
SPACE IS LIMITED!

Designed for expectant and new parents, Jewish Parenting University is a Jewish peer parenting group focusing on an exploration of Jewish traditions and rituals connected to parenting through a Jewish lens. Guest facilitators and OC professionals will be discussing life cycle rituals, raising a Jewish mensch, and celebrating holidays and festivals in meaningful ways. Open to new parents, expectant parents, and parents with children 5 and under.

3-Part Series including:            

Wednesday, January 20 – Life Cycle Rituals with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin
Wednesday, January 27 – Raising a Jewish Mensch with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Tammy Keces, Principal & Lead Secular Educator of Irvine Hebrew Day School

Wednesday, February 3 – Celebrating Holidays & Festivals in Meaningful Ways with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Rabbi Stuart Light, TVT Community Day School

6:00 p.m. Kosher Dinner; 6:30 – 8:00 p.m. Session 

Location: Lakeview Senior Center

Childcare available upon request and provided by College Nannies & Tutors.

Register Now!

I know a couple of people going to the class, so hopefully I'll be able to convince them to maybe write up a few guests posts with some more information about the classes, and how the whole series was.  This is the first time they are offering this, and if you are at all interested, I highly recommend supporting the program.  

If we want programs like this to be offered as part of Shalom Family and JFFS then it's important that we attend and encourage them to keep hosting them.

Happy Birthday Mom- visiting a grave site

Today was my mother's birthday.  So the whole family made the trip all the way up to the cemetery to go and see her.  There were lots of groups there today- a few funerals, but lots of family groups visiting their loved ones.  However, despite all the activity, we were definitely the only group with children.  Especially young, little, tiny children.

I've tried to explain as best I can to my girls what it means to them that Grandma died.  We've had way, way, way to much death for their little short lives.  But, of course, it really doesn't matter when they learn about it, because it's going to happen eventually no matter what I have to say about the matter.

Jewish tradition doesn't put much stock in visiting the grave site of a loved one.  That's not to say it's not done on the memorial day, or on holy days, but it's sort of seen as a few and far between thing.  Judaism is all about acknowledging the pain, but keeping yourself in the present.  Additionally there is some worry that you could turn your deceased relative into some sort of deity by 'praying to them' at their grave site.  I only think it's interesting because the grave sites of many Rabbi's have become internationally known places to go and pray, not to mention the western wall, which is sort of like the grave site of the temple, no?

But moving on....

It can be sort of tricky to explain to a three year old why you are visiting your dead mother.  The conversation goes something like this....

EG: Where are we going Mom?

Me: To visit Grandma Judy.

EG:  Oh, okay.  Why are we visiting her?

ME: Because today is her birthday, and it's nice to go there to see her.

EG: But mom she can't see us.

ME: Well, I believe she can see us.  I know it's sort of confusing, but there are really two parts to each person.  Your physical body, the part you can touch, and a part we call your soul, which is inside of you that you can't touch.  Grandma Judy is with G-d, and G-d is everywhere, so she can see us.

EG: But Mom, G-d doesn't have eyes...

ME: Well, no he doesn't.  Do you remember the song from school?  Up Up, down down, right left and all around, here there and everywhere that's where he can be found... see, G-d is everywhere.  And so is Grandma Judy.

EG: Look Mom- my shoe won't go on right.

Thank goodness she usually gets distracted before I have to get to far into the conversation.  I'm not afraid to talk about death or G-d or, really, anything with my daughter.  But putting all these confusing topics into words is really hard.  Trying to help her understand.  This is the same girl who is worried about her missing front tooth because it can't see where to go, so she's trying to show it with her own eyes.

Then we get to the graveside.  We wander around looking for appropriate rocks.  One of these days/yahrtzeits I'm going to remember to have her look in advance and paint the rock to leave at the grave site. I think that would be a wonderful and nice tribute to my mom...but I digress.

There we are, with two little tinnies, who are rearranging rocks, adding pine cones, playing literally on my mothers stone.  I know Mom wouldn't mind, but that isn't how the other mourners felt.  We've got no one sitting in black, both of my kids are loud, and pointing out butterflies.  While Working Dad and I are a little subdued, neither of us are trying to shush the kiddos.

At the end of the day these children are her legacy.  They along with their cousins are all that is left in the world of her spirit, and I think they honor her to know where she is, to visit her and maybe connect with her and G-d.  I know that she would love to hear their sweet voices, even their sad cries and tears.  So I choose not to be upset by the fact that some others might not like it.  Let them mourn in their way, and we'll mourn in ours... loudly- with butterflies.

I've been on the search for some books to help with the subject, and the first one I come upon is this one:

It's like a sign from my mom, because she totally LOVED Dr. Laura. In fact she used to listen to her radio program every day, and when I got married the first thing she did was buy me her books about the care and feeding of a hubbie and marriage.

But then I kept looking, because one book might not be enough.  You never know what might click with a kiddo.  Then I found this one...

This is my mother's second favorite author.  And I'm so happy.  It's like G-d is speaking to me through Amazon tonight.  To show me these books, by these authors, because my daughter has questions about her Grandma.

Here's hoping these books with help us answer some of these questions.  Do you have any good books you go to?  Any good thoughts about how to talk to little ones about G-d and graves and death?

Here's to 2016.... OMG a Goal Post

I've never really enjoyed seeing everyone write out their goals for 2016.  It's quite possibly because I've found so much more meaning in the same idea, but for Rosh Hashana.  This year, however, I'm writing out some things that I plan to do.

Instead of thinking of them as goals, I'm thinking of them as public proclamations to help keep me honest.  So here goes...

1. WHOLE 30: Starting today I'm jumping on the WHOLE 30 bandwagon.  Yes, it's January 1, which is probably the most typical and ridiculous day to start the program.  But I don't care.  It's time for me to figure out my GI issues, and to really think about my food intake.  When Working Dad moved down here to Orange County without me I took a big jump off the deep end being alone each night with nothing but food and chores.  So now I'm finally ready and settled enough to give it a go.

2. BUY A HOUSE!  That's right folks, I have a determined plan to buy a house.  We've been homeless now for over half a year, and I'm ready for it to end.  I'm ready to be unpacking all those boxes of things I haven't seen in way to long (like all the shoes that were EG's that Ocho desperately needs!)

3. VACATION WITH MY HUSBAND:  Yup, sionara kiddos, I'm ready to get the heck out of dodge and find some us time.  It's been hard for us to not have a space of our own for so long.  To long.  But that's the breaks of the game.  It's time to unwind, reconnect and remember all the things we love about each other, why we got married and what we need to do to keep it going.  We had a rough year last year, but let's move on.

4. MAKE NEW FRIENDS:  Along with moving to a new place, comes making new friends (I'm looking at you unknown anonymous reader!)  It's tough to move to new places, and I've started the process here in south OC (Hi MOMS Club) but it's an ongoing continuous cycle of events to meet new people and get in touch.

5. FAMILY VACATION:  We, all four of us, need to get gone.  Ideally someplace outside of the continental US, but I'll settle for a few good camping trips.  It's so much fun to see us outside of our 'natural habitat (though I'm not sure we have one of those anymore...) and it's important for us to take time to reconnect.

6. BE IN TOUCH WITH MYSELF: I need to honor my own ideas and thoughts this year.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.  Between me, G-d, and this little line here, hopefully I can take it forward.

7.  LAUNCH MY NEW WEBSITE:  That's what the big announcement was going to be last year.  Let's get it done!

My how the time flies

Wow- I can't believe it's already December 31st.  That 2015 has been coming to an end.  And it's been moving so quickly.

2015 has been a complicated year for us.  Though Ocho was born in 2014 and my mom also died in 2014 it seems like 2015 has really been the year of change.

• We've moved out of our first home, and still not into our new one.

The home that made us a family.  The place we brought home our two baby girls and enjoyed all the things that being a family had to offer.  Where I discovered my love (and modicum of talent) for designing and decorating, and EG learned to walk, run and jump.  Where Ocho had her first night of sleep, and the last place my Mother saw my whole family together...

• We both changed jobs, me twice and Working Dad once.

I left my job at UCLA formally in April, and became a Searching-For-Work mom.  Then I decided to become a freelancer, taking contract positions as they've come to me.  Working Dad left the job he got after his brief spell of unemployment.  He's started at the new company and is loving it.

• We've dealt with huge family upsets and changes, from my Dad and cousins, to his brother.  Both positive and negative... (here's one of the great moments!)

• EG went from being a toddler to being a full fledged preschooler.  My adorable little girl, growing up so quickly.

• And Susanna from a baby to a toddler... What a wonderful child she is becoming.

• We moved our entire family into two different temporary homes. 

We moved in initially with my Dad, but then found space with Working Dad's Grandfather.  It's been wonderful to live with him, and we're blessed that we've been so so so welcome here.  Nothing beats sharing a Popsicle with your Great-Grandfather.  He even does babysitting duty!

• We moved our lovely cat into two different temporary homes.  (on another note, anyone looking for a lovely, sweet cat?)
• We took our first whole family vacation- internationally to Mexico with Club Med. 
• We had my Sister-in-Law for dinner for the first time.  See above about moving the cat out of the house, hence her able to visit!
• We lost my cousin, one of the most amazing people I know, Brett Tashman.

He fought for 5 years to be better, and fought hard.  We spent many days at the hospital with him before he passed, and confirmed the love we've had for these forever friends.  His death was a resounding blow to our whole world.

2015 was a complicated and wonderful year.  I'm glad it's over, and am hopeful for the future.  Despite my mother's passing being in 2014, it seemed like so much of 2015 was living the first of many things without her.  I know that much of 2016 will feel like the world without Brett, but I'm hopeful that maybe the pain of their loss will be able to slowly dissipate.

Becoming a family of four has included a lot of growing pains, and I'm especially glad that those are finished.  We've melded and blended together in 2015.  We've created the Millers, family of four.  We've accomplished a lot, and had a LOT of challenges.  But we've faced them all. 

Here's to 2016.... ready or not, here it comes.

Toldot, a Mother's perspective

I've been reading the Torah portions again.  I'm so happy when I do that.  It's not always easy, and I definitely don't do it as much as I like.  With everything else going on it's hard sometimes to give myself the space and time I need to commit to reading and enjoying and exploring the Torah portion.

This week's portion is Toldot.  When most people read Toldot they focus on the relationship between Esau and Jacob.  Of course I understand why, the bulk of the Torah portion is about them and there is much to learn about the differences between Esau and Jacob, as well as how their parents respond to them.

But this week what struck me more than anything else were the first few sentences:

"And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife because she was barren, and the Lord accepted his prayer, and Rebecca his wife conceived."

My interest is in the many different views of this sentence.

The New International Version:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

The JPS Tanak Version:

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord responded to his plea, and his wife Rebekah conceived

In my mind the ideas behind these different version can be quite stark.  The idea that Isaac prayed opposite his wife shows a firm and true commitment.  An understanding of the joint anguish a couple can feel at not becoming pregnant.

It took my mother over seven years to become pregnant.  It wasn't an easy journey for her, or for my family.  In that time, however, I think that my father viewed it as more of my mother's problem.  I might be wrong, but that's my intuition based upon the conversations I had with my mother before she passed.

I have several friends who are currently pregnant and it's often difficult to see the transition from wife to mother in the girl, and yet a lack of transition from husband to father in the man.  He's not quite but sort of a father.  But the moment that she knows there is another life inside of her the wife and woman has become a mother.  Her choices aren't her own- from lunch to dinner to sleep and emotions.

So when I saw it Toldot that Isaac prayed opposite Rebecca it seemed amazing.  That together they took the mantle of becoming a family upon them both.  Then, unfortunately, it gets sad. 

the Lord accepted his prayer and Rebecca his wife conceived.

It seems incredible that G-d would accept his prayer and not hers.  I choose to believe in the positive side of the discussion.  That for many years Rebecca had been anguished and wanting a child.  Then when two became one and prayed opposite each other to G-d, declaring seperately and together that they wanted to make a family, then G-d answered.

I know to many women, to many families struggling to make the family they always envisioned.  If this is a testament to them at all, read inside the story that standing together as a couple, as future parents might make all things possible.

How do you read Toldot this week?

Hugging or Not?

I've blogged about this before, that a child has a right to decide if they want to physically interact with another person, be they child, adult or grandparent, but reading this article about a what a hug did inside of a church brought a whole additional piece to the puzzle.

In the story a child complained about an adult volunteer hugging her.  She told her mother, who spoke with the pastor and then the pastor spoke to the volunteer.  The next time the child encountered the volunteer, however, the adult forced another hug and a 'pinky-swear' not to tell mommy.  Luckily this child told her mother.  The church moved forward with an official notice to the Department of Social Services and all heck broke loose.

I am a firm believer that my child does not have to physically interact with another person she does not want to.  I am also a firm believer in being polite.  Not touching someone does not mean we don't say hello, make eye contact or otherwise engage in meaningful interchange.  But there is a line we cross when we engage with another person physically.

There are lots of arguments for and against the hugging controversy.  Yup, that's right, I called it a controversy.  Like we don't have enough on our plates that we are judging other people for whether their child shows the 'right' kind of affection the 'right way'?

From a Jewish perspective it's all a matter of Leviticus 18:6 through 18:19.  This torah portion is the direct start of the idea of Negiah or not touching between men and women.  Specifically Leviticus says:

"No man shall come near to any of his close relatives, to uncover [their] nakedness. I am the Lord."

It's interesting to note that it says 'come near' not just nakedness.  This shows us that there is, in fact, a proper level of removal between family members of a certain age. We do not follow Negiah, but it's interesting that the idea of not coming in close contact is very readily written and codified in Jewish law for us to fall back on.  This separation is even true during birth and labor, and interestingly enough when one of the partners in a marriage is observing Shiva.  One of these days I'm going to enlighten the world as to the gift of shiva to a grieving person...

Back to the topic at hand.  If you read those articles, you might have noticed some people complaining about how this is ruining their apologies too.  We already know how I feel about forced apologies.  The idea that you are ending your forced apology with a forced 'hug it out' scenario is just so incredible to me that I don't even know where to start. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not raising your children.  If you have a policy inside your home that your children hug it out when they apologize, good for you.  That's just not for me or my children.  So don't try to force your ideals onto my children either at the park of the classroom or the synagogue.

Of course the thing that I think is most startling about the article is that they seemed to entirely skip over the part where the volunteer adult told the child to 'pinky-swear' that they wouldn't tell their parents.  Red flag anyone?  Let's not even get started on secrets...this post is already getting to long.

Here's a cute hug to leave you with...because despite this post, I really do love Hugging!

All photos by Laura Layera, LuluPhoto

Jewish Tooth Fairy

I can't believe that I'm writing this, I can't believe that I have a need to figure this out right now.  But I do...

This past weekend while EG was in the loving care of my happy sister-in-law she had an incident.  She jumped off the slide and, in doing so, hit her chin with her knee.  Out popped one of her front teeth.  Thank goodness my SIL & BIL are kind and patient people, who took good care of EG.  She got ice cream, tylenol and a good old fashioned helping of Elsa and Anna. The girl couldn't have been happier.  Mommy however, absolutely devastated.

It's so so so so so hard to have something bad happen to your child.  Add to that the angst of not being there to do something about it. Nothing could be worse for a mother.

And so, here I find myself, debating the merits of the Tooth Fairy.  I took the time to poll just about everyone at Comic-Con what to say.  A few of my favorite responses:

"We got letters telling us our teeth were going to needy babies.  If we didn't brush well enough then she couldn't use our teeth.  I remember once giving a tooth, but not getting any money because she told me my teeth weren't clean enough"

"We had a tooth fairy, but I'm pretty sure I knew a day after she was introduced that she wasn't real."

Of course there were lots of people who didn't have that many memories, or really just didn't care one way or the other.

In my family we each had a different tooth fairy.  While there weren't any letters, etc, my Dad did spin great stories about our tooth fairies.  They were real people, and I honestly don't ever remember being upset about knowing they were fictional.  I don't remember that moment when I found out it was all a lie.

Since EG is so young, it's not like she's inundated at school with inquiries about the tooth fairy. Unlike Santa it's not like there is an army of Tooth Fairies coming out at the same time each year.  I asked my SIL if her kiddos mentioned it, just so I could see if the die had been cast.  She said her kids did mention it, but there has been no mention of it from EG at all.

I'm not sure about having a ceremony for the whole thing, but I did want to mark the occasion somehow.  EG, she wanted me to throw the tooth in the trash.  I wonder if she will remember that thought when I show her the album that has the tooth in later years..?

Turns out that Jewish kids are a step ahead in not believing the fantasies of childhood.  (I didn't access the whole article) Or maybe a step behind if you think about it that way.  There is something magical about having these characters as part of childhood- the idea behind them.  But there is also something sad about telling our children such lies.

I think I like this take on it best, which shows that sometimes even when you've answered your child directly, they don't really take these thoughts to heart as much as we think they do.  How often does EG forget what she's had for dinner, let alone the million of things I say in a day.

I did really like the idea of having a tooth fairy to help teach and learn about flossing, brushing, etc.  The girl at the Convention (yes you phone stealer and photo snapper!) whos parents told her the teeth are used for babies certainly had good motivation for keeping her teeth clean.  And for EG getting her to brush was a nightmare.   If I can have years of good teeth maintenance for the price of $.25 a tooth then I think I'm totally up for that....

This Rabbi is convinced that it doesn't really matter, and I think I agree with him.  He's kind in saying that it's not a lie, really, it's the same thing as running away from the dinosaur under the bed.  But his insistence on not paying kids for doing nothing...?  That one dosen't sit well with me.  As a commenter points out, there is a lot of work towards keeping your teeth healthy.

I think the ending news is that we've done nothing.  She didn't see the dentist until today, and for some reason I wanted to show her the tooth.  And EG isn't interested in putting it under her pillow- as I mentioned, she wants it in the trash.

We did say the Shehecyanu prayer, which we've been saying a lot lately.  I thought it was a good way to mark the occasion.  And it was so funny when we were going to my Dad's house (Grambe) that she told us that no one was supposed to tell him.  "No one.  Shhh"

For now I'll just have my holey grin cutie.  We'll really worry about the Tooth Fairy if/when she looses another tooth and asks about it.

Do you have the tooth fairy?  Any advice?

Judaism on Turning Three

There is a little known celebration in Judaism for when a child turns three.  No, let me correct that, for when a boy turns three. (yes, there is more to that, yes I'll get to it.) 

There is a statement in the Talmud that compares men to trees, and according to the Torah (commandment 'orlah') you aren't supposed to take fruit or cut a tree until it's third season.  So, since boys are like trees, we don't cut a boys hair until he turns three.

Seems simple, at least when you look up the term Upershin, it seems like a simple little haircut. 

But the reality is so much more...

I went to my first Upershin this past week.  It was absolutely stunning.  The decor, the atmosphere, the celebration.  I love the people who's son we were celebrating.  I have nothing but goodwill and heart-felt congratulations for them.  But I have a lot of problems with an upershin.  And no, none of them have to do with the hair.

The thing they don't really convey with all of their definitions of haircutting is the underlying premise of the whole exercise.  A child's change from being an observer of mitzvot to beginning to learn mitzvot and be responsible for creating good in the world.

Go back and read that again.  Yup.  That's the ticket.  This is what we're really celebrating at an upershin.  It goes way beyond a boy wearing a kippah and tzitzit.  This boy is going to start his formal education in Judaism and start to learn what he needs to know to be a Jewish adult.  Because remember, we only have until he's 13 to teach him everything he needs to know on that score.  We are taking him education in hand today, and starting to impress upon him the gloriousness that is Judaism and Torah.

So let's get back to the real issue.  Why is this only for boys?

It just so happens that an Upershin would be perfect for EG.  My darling daughter hasn't had her hair cut since she's been born.  We have been telling her since she's started asking that she gets her hair cut at three.  Why three you ask- Working Dad just picked that number  at random.  Coincidence?

There is another theory out there about why we wait until three to cut a boys hair.  Again starting at commandment 'orlah' but branching out in a totally different direction.  The Torah is the Tree of Life, and since we are commanded not to partake of the fruits of a tree for the first three years of growth, so it would go that in the first three years of our lives the lessons of the Torah, or the 'fruits of the Tree of Life', is off limits to us.  Torah isn't always easy.  It's not like reading Spot.  At age three, the theory is, our understanding has developed enough to begin learning Torah.  We finally get a taste of the fruit from the 'Tree of Life.'

At the upershin it's customary to have the child start his Torah study right there- usually with a Hebrew alphabet covered in honey.  It's a celebration of the start of an obligation.  That's right, a celebration of an obligation.  On Sunday he didn't need to wear tzitzit, but on Monday he does.  And by celebrating it in this way it makes it something joyous to do, not a negative association.

Now I would be amiss if I didn't point out that there's a tradition that a girl starts lighting candles when she turns three, but somehow the impact of lighting candles and what happens at an upsherin are vastly different.  It's also cloaked in halachic confusion, and also intensely clear that even if you support her lighting the candle her candle cannot count for the obligation to perform the mitzvot.

It all comes down to how we teach our girls what it means to be Jewish at our earliest opportunities.   Singing songs about Ama lighting candles and Abba going to shul; Challah-making for girls, Torah study for boys.

I don't want EG or Ocho to think that Torah isn't sweet.  I want them to have the fruits of the Torah as well.  I want both of my girls to delight in baking challah, learning Talmud, questioning tradition and talking to G-d.  I want all the opportunities of a Jewish life to come easily to them both.  

I could only find one other account of a Jewish girls Upsherin.  While we won't be having her haircut be part of this ritual, I'm determined to celebrate my daughter's transition from babyhood to childhood.  I'm determined to find the spirit in the Upershin and bring it out in EG. 

Here's to a haircut!

One Smart Cookie

I'm constantly amazed by EG.  Yesterday she was desperate to watch Frozen.  But Mommy kept telling her that it was such a nice day outside that it wasn't time for a movie.  So what did EG diecde to do....?

Around 4pm I put Ocho down for her second nap.  Both EG and I ran into my room to look at Ocho on her baby monitor.  Eg spotted my teddy bear on the bed, and immediately started getting excited that our teddies could be friends. 

"Mommy- our teddies are sisters.  No, yours is the mommy, look it's bigger than mine.  Hold your teddy Mommy."

Fast forward five minutes to...

"Mommy, you don't feel well.  That's why you need your teddy.  I'll get my doctoring stuff."

Eg runs around the house gathering assorted doctoring materials from her bedroom. 

"Mommy- I check your ears.  It takes a long time.  Then we check your temperature.  You have a fever.  You need to stay in bed.  I'll call the doctor"

"But EG, I thought you were the doctor."

"No Mommy, I'm the nurse, I take care of you."

She runs away, then comes back about 3 minutes later.  I'm thinking I've got it made- naptime for Mommy too?!

"Mommy, the doctor is coming.  But we need to make you feel better.  I'll brush your hair."

She brings two dolly hairbrushes and my de-tangling spray from the bathroom.

"Here Mommy.  This will make you better.  I'll go get your bottle."

Oh, I'm thinking, I'm a baby now.  That's okay, babies get to sleep too.

"Mommy, you need to get your bear and come to the couch.  We have to put on Ana and Elsa, they will make you feel better.  The doctor told me it would make you feel better while we wait for him.  HeThe boy doctor and the girl doctor are coming after dinner.  I'm the nurse, I'll take care of you."

Wow- what just happened?  Is this what she thinks makes her feel better when she's sick.  How are we know watching Elsa and Ana?  OMG- I just got PLAYED!

I'm trying so hard to figure out why she thinks she's not the doctor (cue nervous mom who thinks that her daughter dosen't have high enough ambitions, or enough science, etc.) but what's really going on here- a ploy for Frozen.

But don't worry, when we were watching it she made sure to tell me that the doctor was on the way, and that I shouldn't be scared because she was here for me.

Wow EG- you are one smart girlie!

Rambam on Marraige

When we think about parenting, we don't always think about marriage.  But I believe that at the core of every new human being are the two people who created that life.  Does it always have to be that way, absolutely not.  Sometimes it's just not to be that the people who created life will raise up that child.  But I still think that one of the most important things that we can do for our children is prioritize our marriages.

It's interesting to me, because one of the core beliefs in Judaism is that it's critical to have children (the first of the 613 mitzvot: Be fruitful and multiply) but, as we all know, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

After I shared last week about how difficult it's been to be a solo parent I don't think I gave enough voice to how hard it is to be without your spouse.  I got married because I wanted to be with my husband.  To form a bond with him of the highest sense- to fuse our souls together as one.  But it's not always easy.

Rambam gives us some interesting thoughts on marriage:

Our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast a superfluous measure of fear over her. He should talk with her gently, being neither sad nor angry.

 

And similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy.

 (Mishneh Torah, Ishut Chapter15)

Now, these phrases are caught up in  a lot of text about having babies, getting divorced, and letting your husband have his way with you, but I think these portions have a place in everyone's life. 

It can often seem a burden to relate to your spouse in the best way possible. To give them the respect you know they deserve, because you also know that their job is to love you anyways. That you have been nice to the gardener, the mail man, the grocer, the co-worker and your boss today and you don't have any niceness in you left for your kids let alone for your husband. 

But then we remember Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) and we remember that we alone can change our fate.  We are in charge of our own actions and our own happiness.  I can choose to see the glass half empty or half full.  Heck, I can just add more water!

It's giving our spouses respect that can add water to the well. 

My mom used to tell me about the Well of Goodwill that each person has for another.  Ironically your well of goodwill is most full with an absolute stranger you see on the street.  You've just drilled a new hole in the ground for them and they've yet to do anything to take the water out.  With your spouses, however, your well is a constantly shifting experience. 

Today he brought you flowers and added some water.  But later he left his dirty socks on the clean laundry and dropped that bucket of water all over the floor. 

If we think of filling our well by showing respect to our spouses we need not worry about love.  Through our respectful actions, thoughts and care we will inherently add both water in our well and love in our hearts.

Rambam gives us a foundation for understanding that love is not the end all be all of a relationship.  We all know that there are moments in our lives when we don't feel love at all- we feel disappointment, anger, resentment and a whole host of other feelings.  But honor and respect are more than just feelings- they are actions.  They are the way we honestly and truly love our spouse for them self.

What is love at it's base?  A feeling that I have for you.  It has nothing to do with you.  How often have we seen people in love with someone who doesn't feel the same for them?  My classic example right now is Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory.  She loves him, but he barely thinks about his emotions at all.  When I love you I'm feeling something inside of me, not really something about you.

But honor and respect are ways that I interact with valuing you.  They show you that I care about you on a deeper and more fundamental level than my self-love. 

Beyond respect and honor Rambam gives us some truth about me being from Mars and Women from Venus.  He clearly tells us that a woman wants to be shown her love through actions (accordance to his means) and words (talk with her gently).  She wants to think that she is the most important thing in the world (honor her more, love him as himself)

While a man needs to be shown his respect by being seen as competent and capable of making decisions (according to his directives) and that he needs to be validated in her world (shun everything he disdains). 

While Working Dad and are in this separation and in this melting pot of stress and trouble I can see only to clearly how much Rambam knows.  I am constantly telling him that I want him to prioritize us over the weekends, that I want to see his love and hear his thoughts.  He is constantly feeling like he has to make all these decisions and be on top of everything for fear that it might all fall apart.

But if we can find a way to come back to the beginning.  Back to the respect we all deserve then our marriage's foundation will go from fragile sand to hard cement.  If we can think with our minds not that the well is full or empty, but that we can constantly be adding water to it then I know we will all be alright.

An Ode to Military Mamas

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life.  I didn't think that things could get much more difficult after having a newborn and having my Mom die out of the blue.  But I was wrong.  While all of that was happening at least I had Working Dad at home to cry to and fight with.  Now it's just me and the kiddos.

I've talked about this solo parenting thing before, but I just can't believe how hard it is. 

For me the hardest part is that I'm not a single parent.  I know that seems strange, it's not that I want to be a single parent, but having him flit in and out of our lives like this makes it just so so hard.  Now, Working Dad, please don't read/read to much into this, it's not that you are doing something wrong, it's just the way life is.

Which brings me to some of my new heroes.  The mamas (and some Daddys) who stay at home while their counterpart is off in the military.  Case in point- my wonderful cousin with her hubbie and two kiddos. 

She did the whole after birth thing/raising her daughter without Daddy for months after she was born.  But she wasn't actually alone.  Her wonderful husband has always been a part of their daughter life.  Phone calls, e-mails, etc. Breaks and time away to be at home, etc.  But while he's a parent (and a damn good one at that) he's not there everyday.  Everyday it's mommy and babies and Daddy as a far off figure.

This is what makes it so hard and amazing.  That these women are constantly helping their children understand that Daddy loves them, and is doing his job somewhere else.  That he's not with them, but that's not what matters.  They deal with the emotions of Dad's to short visits, and phone calls. They deal with breakfast and bed time and everything in between.  And I am in awe of them.


They are sacrificing for me.  For my children.  For our family and all the families in America.  They are taking on the burden of solo parenting for the sake of our safety.  They guide their children through life and battle those difficult moments for the safety of America.

Even when Daddy comes home they are at the whim of something bigger than them.  Transfers and orders and things they just can't pick and choose about.  At least I made this choice all on my own. And I can change it in an instant.

We're doing it for Working Dad's new job.  Had I known exactly what I was getting into, I might have chosen differently.

But my cousin- she is truly the hero.  Everyday raising her wonderful and gorgeous babies.  Thank you to you and your Husband for making us safe in our beds at night.  For giving me vision to see that I can do this.  That I get to talk to my hubbie each night and that the few times I was in tears and overwhelmed he just got in his car and showed up on my doorstep an hour later.  She didn't have that option.  She, and they, are amazing.

Five Year's Past

Five years ago I married the love of my life.  Five years ago we stood under the chuppah promising to make a home together and a family.  We took vows, signed paperwork, and made a commitment.

I can't believe how much has changed in these five years.  For the good, the bad, the in-between.

For dinner on Sunday night I made Anne Burrell's braised lamb (make the gremolata- it really takes the flavors up a notch!)  I took the lamb out of the freezer at about 10am, and at about 2pm I realized I had better get cooking or those lamb shanks wouldn't be good eating for anyone.  And then I pureed my veggies, realized I didn't have carrots so made a substitution, browned my lamb, added my wine.   I just did it all and threw it in the oven.

As Working Dad and I took our first bites he asked me if I would have been able to do that five years ago.  And I couldn't help but think back to the dinners I was making then.

I've always been a decent cook, but throwing together braised lamb without a care in the world and a tiny human holding on to my pants legs- that was a different experience altogether.  There's no way that I would have been doing a recipe like that without tons of stress and worry.  I didn't even know what I was going to do with the lamb until about 2:30pm when I decided to look up a few recipes.  But that's not quite the point...

It wasn't until he said anything that I realized that I've changed so much too.

1. I've grown happy in my mothering.  It's not scary, or overwhelming.  Each day has it's ups and downs, but as Samantha from Sex in the City says "I'm happy everyday.  Not all day everyday, but everyday."  Sometimes EG and Ocho are just making me want to scream.  But honestly, I love it all.  It feels good have a day when everything clicks into place with the dishes, the laundry, games and fun with the kiddos and love with my husband.  But even on those days when nothing falls into place I value being a mother every day.

2. I've grown happy in being a wife.  It makes me happy to work towards Shalom Bayit in my household.  To focus my thoughts and attentions on him and his world.  To do my best to make our home a lovely place to come home to, a place he wants to be and enjoy.  Sometimes we aren't on the same page, but the flowers he brings me help me know that we're all in it together.

3. I've grown contented in my beliefs.  Being Jewish has always been a core part of who I am, but as I've had children, become a wife I've reached deeper and deeper into my faith to find answers.  The Torah has so many lessons for us, and the commandments are wonderful guidelines to help us find answers.  Whenever I've reached a tremendous cross-road in my life I've come to realize that Torah has the answer.

4. I need my extended family more than ever.  Being without my mom has been so very difficult.  It's still a challenge every day to miss her, not talk to her, and not be able to hear her laughter.  The hugs one gets from a mom aren't found anywhere else.  It's not something that's been five year's in the making, but I'm hoping that as we cross over the one year mark here in a few months that I'll be able to learn to live with her, without her a bit better.  It's taught me just how valuable and important my family is.  To truly enjoy the sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins that I have.  I only wish that some of them didn't make it so difficult to love them.

Jewish Summer School at Home...?

 Now that the summer is almost upon us, I'm working hard to set-up a mini curriculum for EG.  She'll be home for at least the first portion of the summer, since we'll be moving through July.  I think we've found a great new school for her, but we're still waiting until we are absolutely sure (aka closing on the property) to tell EG.

So, in the meantime I'm going to keep her home.  But I don't want to have weeks and weeks of complete chaos.  I know that kiddos thrive on routine, and without a game plan I'm afraid that we'll end up totally sick of each other in just about every way.

In getting together a game plan, I've started with a Jewish piece.  I've always wanted to bring more Jewish learning into our home- somehow bridge the gap between what she is learning at school (orthodox environment) and what we do at home (Reformadox).  So I've collected a few books.

Obviously I haven't been using these very much yet, but I'm excited to jump in.  Once I've used a few of the lesson plans, I'll come back and give an updated review.

1. Morah Morah, Teach Me Torah.  I chose this book because it goes through each of the weekly parsha.  It gives a clear and easily understood, developmentally appropriate overview of the parsha.  Then it goes on to give dozens of interactive/multimedia ideas about how to engage with what we are learning.  My favorite part is the interactive family discussion questions for the dinner table.  Not all of them are suitable for EG right now, but I'm thrilled that we'll be able to 'grow' into the book.

2. What's Jewish about Butterflies.  This book takes a totally different approach and explores what we might consider as 'ordinary' objects and adds some ideas about how to explore the Jewish roots or pieces of these ideas.  I got this one because I'm positive that I'll be doing some version of teaching EG letters, and I love the idea of a theme for the week.  That's something they do at her school now, so it will feel familiar for me to do it as well.  This way I can also throw in Jewish ideas into everything we do.  The school we are thinking about putting EG into also uses a book by the same author into how to incorporate Judaism into everyday classroom experiences.

3. Jewish and Me, a Teachers guide to Holidays.  This one also has a bit of a lofted view for EG right now, but I loved how it gives specific questions for each of the holidays to ask the children.  It gives a lesson plan approach, which I don't think I'll use, but will give me a framework to add additional things to the holidays.  Technically this is a companion book to the specific books about each holiday.  I got it because I think that I can use other pictures, etc to do what they are doing.  And I didn't want to buy the whole series.

Things I'm loving

It's an odd day for there to be a few different internet ideas or television items that I'm loving, but right now, I couldn't help but share these two:

1.  This breastfeeding video.  You all know I'm pro breastfeeding, and I'm also totally anti the cover.  It's just not a thing for me.  I'm not embarrassed and I just don't want to create a whole situation where I don't feel comfortable nursing and feeding Ocho, or any other baby I might have.  That's not to say that I'm not happy to go somewhere private if it's convenient for me and her.  Honestly she's a bit distractable when I'm nursing, so a little privacy can really help.

There have been so many moments when I haven't felt comfortable.  Both strangers, and I'm sad to say, members of my own family and social circle have made me feel like nursing isn't okay.  But that's fine, I'm still going to nurse her when she needs it.

I've  enjoyed nursing both of my girls.  There are definitely moments when it's tiresome, or bothersome, but most moments I enjoy the connection.  With Ocho I'm constantly reminded that this time period is so short.  If this was EG I would will only be nursing for a few more months... these are beautiful moments with mother and child, and I hope that the world begins to recognize that.  I'm just a mother, breastfeeding her baby.

2. This commercial about taking vacation.  It's tone is a little negative (I'm not a fan of trying to guilt anyone into doing anything, even taking vacation) but I love that there's a 'movement' to take more time off.  It's true how often we hear that we can't possibly take time off.  There's nothing like a vacation to reconnect the family.  Between time together and no responsibilites even a weekend getaway can reconnect a family.

Here's to embracing our vacation time.  Here's to recognizing that as important as our work is, our legacy in the world is our family.  What will stay with us forever are the families we create and the memories we have with them.  No one knows that better than someone who just lost their mom.  We're about to go on a memorial vacation with my side of the family.  How sad that we couldn't get it together to get together before she died.  That the last family vacation we had was in October of 2014....

Oh well- embrace the moment.  Take the time off!

A Shabbat Home : Home for Shabbat

As we've been packing, moving, having the new owners come in to take measurements, inspections, etc. it's seemed like our home has become less and less ours, and more and more just a place to stay.

As I walk through my beautiful living room and into my kitchen I don't feel the warmth of my household- I see the debris of a life half boxed away.  Despite the warm onion soup on the stove, despite the clean bibs hanging from the handles, despite the cup of milk drunk by my daughter on her way out the door this morning.

It's in this home, or not home, if you will, that I'm struggling to make a Shabbat worth having.  We don't have to many Friday's to spend here in this home, and despite it's lack of homeyness, I'm going to try.  So I give to you my tried and true tips for making a home ready for Shabbat.

1. Tidy Tidy Tidy.  The best thing about Shabbat is that cleaning is off the table, and if you are anything like me it's barely on the table on a given Tuesday, let alone among the craziness and hecticness of a move.  But tidying is much easier.  Clean off those surfaces, put away all the laundry, and ensure that all the shoes go back where they need to.  Put toys in the kiddos' bedrooms, and then it will feel clean, even if the spilled onion soup is still on the floor.

2. 7 minute Rooms.  I realize this is sort of funny, but I have a 7 minute bedroom policy.  I walk through the house with my small supply of cleaning (broom, dustpan, windex, general household spray, sponge, and paper towels) and set my timer for 7 minutes.  This also includes any tidying for these rooms as well.  That way I know I've spent some time in each room making it a little bit nicer.  I make the beds, I put take away things that don't belong, and believe me even though it doesn't seem like a lot of time if you really invest in it, it's totally enough.

3. The Shabbat Table.  I have some linens and napkins, etc. that we only take out for Shabbat.  When everything else feels crazy if the table is set and looks nice then at least the place where you spend the most of your time will feel like a wonderful respite from the week.  Regardless of the rest of the house, a nice Shabbat table can set you worlds apart for the evening.

4. Plan some conversation.  One of the nice things about Shabbat is that it's away from the drudgery of the everyday.  We are so so very stressed in our lives, all of us are.  In our family right now the move, the logistics, the new house, all of it are eating away at the fabric of our family.  So I like to plan a few conversation starters that might lead us away from the drudgery and into the light.  I always start with reading the torah portion for the week.  Sometimes I click over to cnn.com to read a few headlines.  It's nice to get away from the usual work/chores/daily life conversations.

5. Just enjoy!  The best thing we can do on Shabbat is to give ourselves a little rest, peace and be a bit nicer.  To ourselves, our husbands, our children, our kitties...  Sometimes we put to much pressure on ourselves, and we have to remember that Shabbat is a gift.  A gift of time to spend relaxing, enjoying, pausing to reflect on our wonderful life.  Even if there are shoes and toys everywhere.  Even if you're serving shrimp.  Even if the table is covered with sticky fingerprints made of strawberry jelly.

Shabbat Shalom!

MIA: Sorry

So in the past week since I've last posted we've had Shavuot, Yitzkor, Memorial Day, Society for Creative Anachronism war, and we've sold our house.

Yup, you read that right, we've sold our house.  That's what's been keeping us up at night.  Our home is officially in escrow, and we leave the lovely and amazing South Bay at the end of June.

No turning back now.

You may think that we've got it all worked out.  That we are ready to rock and roll and pack and move.  And that would be awesome....

Except we aren't.  We haven't gotten a place to move into.  We were thinking about moving in with my dad, but a trial run of us being there resulted in one kiddo waking the other continuously throughout the night and my cat deciding to viciously pee all over the place.  Did I mention that EG also decided it would be a good time to stop being potty trained and she pooped all over herself and her bed?  Did I also mention my dad just got new carpet in the whole house...?  Lovely...

So we are figuring it out.  And I'm trying hard not to freak out to much....