Rosh Chodesh Iyar: The Wandering

 by  TheeErin

Have you celebrated Rosh Chodesh before? 

It's honestly not something that has really been part of my custom or tradition either.  Rosh Chodesh means the new month.  It's the time of month, every month, when we change from one month to the next.  Since we are on a lunar calendar, it's the celebration of the new moon.  So we celebrate the time when there isn't any moon at all.

Rosh Chodesh has traditionally been a celebration for women.  A chance to give ourselves to reflect, and refrain from doing work.  Rashi specifies that we should refrain from the work we did while building the Mishkan.  But today, we can choose to refrain from more types of work than just those (since I do so much sewing these days..)

The month of Iyar is a special time for observing Rosh Chodesh in my mind.  These days I'm thinking more about my Judaism each day as we recite the days of the Omer (look to your right- find the omer counter- jump in!).  It's an everyday reminder for me and my family that we are Jewish. 

And as a mom the month of Iyar and the idea of Rosh Chodesh during a new moon are particularly poinent.  It's the time when the Jewish people had left Egypt and are wandering the desert.  They've taken that leap of faith and are now subsumed with whether they've made the right choice.

You all know the story of the Golden Calf. (Click the link for a refresher- I'll wait)...

We had doubts.  Huge, undeniable, and scary doubts.  Just like we all do as Mothers. 

Everyday I make decisions.  Sometimes small (what's for dinner or snack) sometimes large (what school should my kindergartener go to!).  Sometimes we won't know the true outcome of these larger decisions for days, months, maybe even years.

We all have to choose a path.  And sometimes we have to stick to it.  Just like when we potty trained or sleep taught our children.  We choose a method, a style, an idea.  And we tried to stick to it.  They told us that before it got better, sometimes it would get worse. But how do we know if it's just rough going and the other side has glory, or if we've chosen wrongly?

As we transition into Iyar- and the Jewish people wander the desert searching and wondering alone- give yourself time this Rosh Chodesh to breathe.  To really silent yourself to listen to your intiution and your gut.  Allow yourself to follow those paths that have been working, and take a deep look at the ones you've just sort of wandered down.  Are they right for you?  For your children? For your family?  Trust your gut-then make a decision.

I have faith in you.

Moving Home

It's finally happened.  We've moved our family into the new house. Despite the workmen still coming in and out daily, it is beginning to feel like home.  Sitting on our couch by the fireplace.  Putting Ocho to bed in her wooden crib rather than a pack n play.  Putting our Ketubah on the wall and our mezuzah on the doorpost.

There have been so many emotions in moving to a new place.  Boxes everywhere, tears were shed. On the way over to the new house EG told my in-laws that she wasn't going to sleep there.  That she was going home to Grandpa's house.

It's always tough to transition the family into a new place, so here are a few tips for doing it with kiddos:

1. Prioritize their spaces.  I know this seems a bit counter intuitive, but the reality is that you can unpack the kitchen while the children sleep, but you can't put away their toys in their rooms.  The faster they feel safe, secure and home the better off everyone will be.  It also helps to let them explore where toys are, clothing, and all the things they may have missed during the move.

2. Think about windows, doors and lights.  There's nothing worse then getting out of the shower after washing off all the moving dirt to suddenly realize that the whole neighborhood can see you in your towel.  It seems obvious, but children are exceptionally sensitive to light and are so quick on the pick-up.  They might open the door you never thought they would.  The last thing you need is your 3 year old opening the front door while you think they are safe inside the house.  Trust me...

3. Do it all at once.  Just like ripping off a band-aid and moving to a toddler bed it's best to just do it all at once.  There won't be that many days of transition and the faster you establish the 'new normal' the better off you are.  It can be tempting to try some sort of easing into it, whether letting Ocho sleep in the pack n' play, or letting everyone play at the new house then return to the old to sleep.  It just confuses things and prolongs the adjustment period.

4. Set up Standards.  One of the hardest things with moving is figureing out where everything should go.  As an adult it's okay to think that you can put something somewhere then move it.  But for kiddos that's so much harder.  We have totally lost that battle on the shoes.  We didn't have the support we needed to put together our shoe cabinet until just last night, so everyone has just started throwing shoes on the floor by the door.  Can we change it? Yes, but it will take time and diligence.  Plus a rug by the the garage door..
.

5. Do something nice for yourself.  Something to make your home yours.  Putting up the mezuzahs was ours, but also commanded.  This door hanger, however, makes the house feel like a home.  It was a gift from Working Dad's brother and his wife.  And we love it.  It makes our house chime with happiness whenever you open the door.  It's your home... do your thing!

Jewish Parenting University

New this year Shalom Family, a division of the Jewish Federation and Family Services, will be hosting a series of classes called Jewish Parenting University.  It's for expectant parents, new parents, and parents of children under 5.  

SERIES BEGINS THIS WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20
SPACE IS LIMITED!

Designed for expectant and new parents, Jewish Parenting University is a Jewish peer parenting group focusing on an exploration of Jewish traditions and rituals connected to parenting through a Jewish lens. Guest facilitators and OC professionals will be discussing life cycle rituals, raising a Jewish mensch, and celebrating holidays and festivals in meaningful ways. Open to new parents, expectant parents, and parents with children 5 and under.

3-Part Series including:            

Wednesday, January 20 – Life Cycle Rituals with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin
Wednesday, January 27 – Raising a Jewish Mensch with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Tammy Keces, Principal & Lead Secular Educator of Irvine Hebrew Day School

Wednesday, February 3 – Celebrating Holidays & Festivals in Meaningful Ways with Rabbi Marcia Tilchin and Rabbi Stuart Light, TVT Community Day School

6:00 p.m. Kosher Dinner; 6:30 – 8:00 p.m. Session 

Location: Lakeview Senior Center

Childcare available upon request and provided by College Nannies & Tutors.

Register Now!

I know a couple of people going to the class, so hopefully I'll be able to convince them to maybe write up a few guests posts with some more information about the classes, and how the whole series was.  This is the first time they are offering this, and if you are at all interested, I highly recommend supporting the program.  

If we want programs like this to be offered as part of Shalom Family and JFFS then it's important that we attend and encourage them to keep hosting them.

Happy Birthday Mom- visiting a grave site

Today was my mother's birthday.  So the whole family made the trip all the way up to the cemetery to go and see her.  There were lots of groups there today- a few funerals, but lots of family groups visiting their loved ones.  However, despite all the activity, we were definitely the only group with children.  Especially young, little, tiny children.

I've tried to explain as best I can to my girls what it means to them that Grandma died.  We've had way, way, way to much death for their little short lives.  But, of course, it really doesn't matter when they learn about it, because it's going to happen eventually no matter what I have to say about the matter.

Jewish tradition doesn't put much stock in visiting the grave site of a loved one.  That's not to say it's not done on the memorial day, or on holy days, but it's sort of seen as a few and far between thing.  Judaism is all about acknowledging the pain, but keeping yourself in the present.  Additionally there is some worry that you could turn your deceased relative into some sort of deity by 'praying to them' at their grave site.  I only think it's interesting because the grave sites of many Rabbi's have become internationally known places to go and pray, not to mention the western wall, which is sort of like the grave site of the temple, no?

But moving on....

It can be sort of tricky to explain to a three year old why you are visiting your dead mother.  The conversation goes something like this....

EG: Where are we going Mom?

Me: To visit Grandma Judy.

EG:  Oh, okay.  Why are we visiting her?

ME: Because today is her birthday, and it's nice to go there to see her.

EG: But mom she can't see us.

ME: Well, I believe she can see us.  I know it's sort of confusing, but there are really two parts to each person.  Your physical body, the part you can touch, and a part we call your soul, which is inside of you that you can't touch.  Grandma Judy is with G-d, and G-d is everywhere, so she can see us.

EG: But Mom, G-d doesn't have eyes...

ME: Well, no he doesn't.  Do you remember the song from school?  Up Up, down down, right left and all around, here there and everywhere that's where he can be found... see, G-d is everywhere.  And so is Grandma Judy.

EG: Look Mom- my shoe won't go on right.

Thank goodness she usually gets distracted before I have to get to far into the conversation.  I'm not afraid to talk about death or G-d or, really, anything with my daughter.  But putting all these confusing topics into words is really hard.  Trying to help her understand.  This is the same girl who is worried about her missing front tooth because it can't see where to go, so she's trying to show it with her own eyes.

Then we get to the graveside.  We wander around looking for appropriate rocks.  One of these days/yahrtzeits I'm going to remember to have her look in advance and paint the rock to leave at the grave site. I think that would be a wonderful and nice tribute to my mom...but I digress.

There we are, with two little tinnies, who are rearranging rocks, adding pine cones, playing literally on my mothers stone.  I know Mom wouldn't mind, but that isn't how the other mourners felt.  We've got no one sitting in black, both of my kids are loud, and pointing out butterflies.  While Working Dad and I are a little subdued, neither of us are trying to shush the kiddos.

At the end of the day these children are her legacy.  They along with their cousins are all that is left in the world of her spirit, and I think they honor her to know where she is, to visit her and maybe connect with her and G-d.  I know that she would love to hear their sweet voices, even their sad cries and tears.  So I choose not to be upset by the fact that some others might not like it.  Let them mourn in their way, and we'll mourn in ours... loudly- with butterflies.

I've been on the search for some books to help with the subject, and the first one I come upon is this one:

It's like a sign from my mom, because she totally LOVED Dr. Laura. In fact she used to listen to her radio program every day, and when I got married the first thing she did was buy me her books about the care and feeding of a hubbie and marriage.

But then I kept looking, because one book might not be enough.  You never know what might click with a kiddo.  Then I found this one...

This is my mother's second favorite author.  And I'm so happy.  It's like G-d is speaking to me through Amazon tonight.  To show me these books, by these authors, because my daughter has questions about her Grandma.

Here's hoping these books with help us answer some of these questions.  Do you have any good books you go to?  Any good thoughts about how to talk to little ones about G-d and graves and death?

5 Reasons Rainy Days are Awesome

It can be hard to be a mother on a rainy day.  When you pretty much know that all the plans you had for the park, or the playdates are out the window.  When you realize that your crazy children, who need to burn off some steam, aren't going to be getting that running time you thought they would.

Maybe you are different than me, but my house doesn't have a large multipurpose room, nor does it have a running track inside for the kiddos to leap around...

But just because it's raining, doesn't mean all hope is lost for an amazing, or at least tolerable, day.

1. They will likely sleep in.  Think about how you feel when you wake up and it's raining.  It's gloomy and dark outside- if you have curtains you would probably swear it's still the middle of the night.  That soft sound of the rain pitter-pattering just filters into your subconscious, taking away any of the excess sounds of the day or morning.  The birds are sleeping in, or at least hiding from the rain.  The annoying dog who barks at 7am is still inside, waking up it's owners, rather than you... I think it's a wonderful way to start the morning.

2. Free-play leads to creativity.  When your kids are at home for an extended period of time, it might finally allow them some of the unled totally unstructured freeplay that they need.  There have been so many studies recently that discuss the needs of our children when it comes to play.  That they need to have not just recess, but serious time to devote to whatever makes them happy.  This can seem challenging, especially when they want you to 'play' to, but it's important for our children to take the lead. The many hours of a day of rain can help give your kids that opportunity.

3. Family-play leads to fun memories.  I know I just said that you should let your kiddos play by themselves, but let's also consider the wonderful opportunity to do that activity that usually takes to long.  Baking cookies or a pie.  Building a huge tent fort.  Maybe you finally take out all 14 sets of blocks you have and build the larges block tower ever- go for that world record!  These types of experiences are hard to come by, between the errands, the preschool class, etc.... the obligations of life.  Here's baby Ocho (not quite a baby anymore) helping bake.... and making a lovely mess of it too!

4. Rain play is awesome and totally fun.  This is the plan when the kiddos wake up.  No shoes, pants or shorts with rain jackets.  Out to the park will go we.  To enjoy all that rainy weather has to offer.  Puddles and mud and earthworms.  And I know, you are worried about colds, and laundry and all the other things.  But I promise it will be okay.  No, I'm not a doctor, but an hour or two enjoying the rain and the mud won't give your kid a cold.  Plus it's fun to jump into the bubble bath when you are done in the rain anyways!

5. Watching Nature at work.  If going outside seems like it's to scary or crazy for you, at least make sure the kids stand at an open window or door for a bit.  Watch the water go by.  Grab an umbrella and stand underneath it.  Listen to the sounds of nature.  Rain storms are a perfect time for your children to see G-d in action. To understand that G-d has an impact on the world in a physical way.  Sometimes we forget that G-d gives us the sun, but it's so much easier to see when the world is covered in gray and rain.

At the very least, the rain won't last forever.  And there are MILLIONS of posts and ideas about how to occupy your kids in the house in the rain.  So jump online or pinterest to see all those crazy ideas too.  Just remember that rather than "the man who bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning," the next time you see rain think "raindrops are falling on my head, but that dosen't mean my eyes will soon be turning red"

Here's to rainy days!

5 Tips to Get to the Gym

Since it's January, it's officially get back inside the gym month in America.  Are you one of the 15% of people who have vowed to add going to the gym to your resolutions?  Called 'resolutionaires" 25 percent is the typical increase in usage during the month of January.  Which also corresponds to the additional  About 15 percent of people who make New Year's resolutions vow to get fit, WebMD reports.  "Usage can increase by 25 percent during January," Lisa Hufcut, director of public relations of New York Sports Clubs, told The Huffington Post.

1. Buy cute clothes!  When you look your best you also feel your best.  It's hard to want to get up and go to the gym when you are feeling like you look terrible and hate everything you put on.  Reward yourself for getting started by buying something that you like, look good in, and helps you find some joy in the process of getting there.

My personal favorite is Old Navy.  They are good clothes, good prices and a wide variety for different activities.  I know it seems ridiculous, but do pay a bit of atention to the different styles of gear.  The last thing you want is to be in a pair of yoga pants on a cycle bike... Trust me...

2. Get good shower products.  This sort of follows along the first line, but I think it's even more critical.  There's nothing more rewarding than completing that run on the treadmill or that workout you had in mind than getting into the shower and putting that wonderful conditioner in your hair.  For me my two splurges are LUSH products and Bumble and Bumble.  When I step into that shower (yes, the grimy one that everyone else uses) I get to turn it into my own personal spa retreat.  Now is a great time to stock up on LUSH since they are having their annual BOGO sale.

3. Get the class times on your schedule.  Sometimes you don't want to just run on the treadmill.  Sometimes you don't have the time to make a plan for yourself at the gym.  And sometimes you really want to put anything else in front of going to the gym.  Take a proactive step on all of these problems by putting classes on your schedule.  I'm not going to lie to you- January is probably one of the WORST time to try out a new class.  They will be crowded and packed with all sorts of people who are starting off on their resolutions.  But sometimes that can be good.  It means that the teachers are ready for newbies- it means more explanations, rather than watching 30 people get tons of equipment while you have no idea what's going on.  Don't be afraid, JUMP IN!

4. Don't skimp on shoes and socks. I know we've discussed gym gear earlier, but I think it's even more important to talk specifically about shoes and socks.  Your workout shoes might be one of the most expensive pairs you buy.  And it's critical to buy the right pair of shoes for the right workout.  Running on trails is totally diffferent than cross training or doing the treadmill.  When you have the wrong shoe you could end up with food injuries that might hamper your path to a fun workout.  And for a moment, let's talk about socks.  There's a reason why Coach Wooden always started there.  Nothing is more annoying than being all ready to go, but no socks to find or wear.  Seriously!

5. Get the kids enrolled in the Childcare.  Need I say more here.  Okay, maybe I'm the only one who uses the gym because it means that there are two hours of time that my children are otherwise occupied and I get to shower alone.  But it's a great way for them to stay social, do some crafts (our gym does one almost every time they go!) and get a bit of time to explore the world themselves.  And for me, sitting in the hottub at the end of a workout- I get to be a better mom.  With some time apart I'm ready for the hours before nap and after dinner.

If all these suggestions aren't ringing your bell, or don't have quite enough for you, try the PACTapp.  I've never used it myself, but the concept seems fairly simple.  Just like work- do it and get paid, don't and forfiet the cash.  Might be just the extra motivation you need.

My how the time flies

Wow- I can't believe it's already December 31st.  That 2015 has been coming to an end.  And it's been moving so quickly.

2015 has been a complicated year for us.  Though Ocho was born in 2014 and my mom also died in 2014 it seems like 2015 has really been the year of change.

• We've moved out of our first home, and still not into our new one.

The home that made us a family.  The place we brought home our two baby girls and enjoyed all the things that being a family had to offer.  Where I discovered my love (and modicum of talent) for designing and decorating, and EG learned to walk, run and jump.  Where Ocho had her first night of sleep, and the last place my Mother saw my whole family together...

• We both changed jobs, me twice and Working Dad once.

I left my job at UCLA formally in April, and became a Searching-For-Work mom.  Then I decided to become a freelancer, taking contract positions as they've come to me.  Working Dad left the job he got after his brief spell of unemployment.  He's started at the new company and is loving it.

• We've dealt with huge family upsets and changes, from my Dad and cousins, to his brother.  Both positive and negative... (here's one of the great moments!)

• EG went from being a toddler to being a full fledged preschooler.  My adorable little girl, growing up so quickly.

• And Susanna from a baby to a toddler... What a wonderful child she is becoming.

• We moved our entire family into two different temporary homes. 

We moved in initially with my Dad, but then found space with Working Dad's Grandfather.  It's been wonderful to live with him, and we're blessed that we've been so so so welcome here.  Nothing beats sharing a Popsicle with your Great-Grandfather.  He even does babysitting duty!

• We moved our lovely cat into two different temporary homes.  (on another note, anyone looking for a lovely, sweet cat?)
• We took our first whole family vacation- internationally to Mexico with Club Med. 
• We had my Sister-in-Law for dinner for the first time.  See above about moving the cat out of the house, hence her able to visit!
• We lost my cousin, one of the most amazing people I know, Brett Tashman.

He fought for 5 years to be better, and fought hard.  We spent many days at the hospital with him before he passed, and confirmed the love we've had for these forever friends.  His death was a resounding blow to our whole world.

2015 was a complicated and wonderful year.  I'm glad it's over, and am hopeful for the future.  Despite my mother's passing being in 2014, it seemed like so much of 2015 was living the first of many things without her.  I know that much of 2016 will feel like the world without Brett, but I'm hopeful that maybe the pain of their loss will be able to slowly dissipate.

Becoming a family of four has included a lot of growing pains, and I'm especially glad that those are finished.  We've melded and blended together in 2015.  We've created the Millers, family of four.  We've accomplished a lot, and had a LOT of challenges.  But we've faced them all. 

Here's to 2016.... ready or not, here it comes.

Toldot, a Mother's perspective

I've been reading the Torah portions again.  I'm so happy when I do that.  It's not always easy, and I definitely don't do it as much as I like.  With everything else going on it's hard sometimes to give myself the space and time I need to commit to reading and enjoying and exploring the Torah portion.

This week's portion is Toldot.  When most people read Toldot they focus on the relationship between Esau and Jacob.  Of course I understand why, the bulk of the Torah portion is about them and there is much to learn about the differences between Esau and Jacob, as well as how their parents respond to them.

But this week what struck me more than anything else were the first few sentences:

"And Isaac prayed to the Lord opposite his wife because she was barren, and the Lord accepted his prayer, and Rebecca his wife conceived."

My interest is in the many different views of this sentence.

The New International Version:
Isaac prayed to the LORD on behalf of his wife, because she was childless. The LORD answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant.

The JPS Tanak Version:

Isaac pleaded with the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren; and the Lord responded to his plea, and his wife Rebekah conceived

In my mind the ideas behind these different version can be quite stark.  The idea that Isaac prayed opposite his wife shows a firm and true commitment.  An understanding of the joint anguish a couple can feel at not becoming pregnant.

It took my mother over seven years to become pregnant.  It wasn't an easy journey for her, or for my family.  In that time, however, I think that my father viewed it as more of my mother's problem.  I might be wrong, but that's my intuition based upon the conversations I had with my mother before she passed.

I have several friends who are currently pregnant and it's often difficult to see the transition from wife to mother in the girl, and yet a lack of transition from husband to father in the man.  He's not quite but sort of a father.  But the moment that she knows there is another life inside of her the wife and woman has become a mother.  Her choices aren't her own- from lunch to dinner to sleep and emotions.

So when I saw it Toldot that Isaac prayed opposite Rebecca it seemed amazing.  That together they took the mantle of becoming a family upon them both.  Then, unfortunately, it gets sad. 

the Lord accepted his prayer and Rebecca his wife conceived.

It seems incredible that G-d would accept his prayer and not hers.  I choose to believe in the positive side of the discussion.  That for many years Rebecca had been anguished and wanting a child.  Then when two became one and prayed opposite each other to G-d, declaring seperately and together that they wanted to make a family, then G-d answered.

I know to many women, to many families struggling to make the family they always envisioned.  If this is a testament to them at all, read inside the story that standing together as a couple, as future parents might make all things possible.

How do you read Toldot this week?

Hugging or Not?

I've blogged about this before, that a child has a right to decide if they want to physically interact with another person, be they child, adult or grandparent, but reading this article about a what a hug did inside of a church brought a whole additional piece to the puzzle.

In the story a child complained about an adult volunteer hugging her.  She told her mother, who spoke with the pastor and then the pastor spoke to the volunteer.  The next time the child encountered the volunteer, however, the adult forced another hug and a 'pinky-swear' not to tell mommy.  Luckily this child told her mother.  The church moved forward with an official notice to the Department of Social Services and all heck broke loose.

I am a firm believer that my child does not have to physically interact with another person she does not want to.  I am also a firm believer in being polite.  Not touching someone does not mean we don't say hello, make eye contact or otherwise engage in meaningful interchange.  But there is a line we cross when we engage with another person physically.

There are lots of arguments for and against the hugging controversy.  Yup, that's right, I called it a controversy.  Like we don't have enough on our plates that we are judging other people for whether their child shows the 'right' kind of affection the 'right way'?

From a Jewish perspective it's all a matter of Leviticus 18:6 through 18:19.  This torah portion is the direct start of the idea of Negiah or not touching between men and women.  Specifically Leviticus says:

"No man shall come near to any of his close relatives, to uncover [their] nakedness. I am the Lord."

It's interesting to note that it says 'come near' not just nakedness.  This shows us that there is, in fact, a proper level of removal between family members of a certain age. We do not follow Negiah, but it's interesting that the idea of not coming in close contact is very readily written and codified in Jewish law for us to fall back on.  This separation is even true during birth and labor, and interestingly enough when one of the partners in a marriage is observing Shiva.  One of these days I'm going to enlighten the world as to the gift of shiva to a grieving person...

Back to the topic at hand.  If you read those articles, you might have noticed some people complaining about how this is ruining their apologies too.  We already know how I feel about forced apologies.  The idea that you are ending your forced apology with a forced 'hug it out' scenario is just so incredible to me that I don't even know where to start. 

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm not raising your children.  If you have a policy inside your home that your children hug it out when they apologize, good for you.  That's just not for me or my children.  So don't try to force your ideals onto my children either at the park of the classroom or the synagogue.

Of course the thing that I think is most startling about the article is that they seemed to entirely skip over the part where the volunteer adult told the child to 'pinky-swear' that they wouldn't tell their parents.  Red flag anyone?  Let's not even get started on secrets...this post is already getting to long.

Here's a cute hug to leave you with...because despite this post, I really do love Hugging!

All photos by Laura Layera, LuluPhoto

Attending a Bris

I often get questions about what to do when you attend a bris at someone's house.  For a lot of parents who may be interfaith or not overly religious the idea of a bris can be a bit scary- a medical procedure inside someone's home.  To cover the highlights a bris is when a Jewish son is circumcised, or when the foreskin of the penis is removed.  It is usually customary to formally name the child at this time, which can be the very first time the child is named, or the giving of a Hebrew name in addition to a secular one.  So here are a few tips to make your first bris the celebration it's meant to be.

1.  Bring along a gift of some kind.  No this isn't a requirement, but just like a birthday party or another event at someoen's home it's customary to bring a small gift to the baby boy.  This could be something as simple as  card with a check for $18 (chai) or a small stuffed animal.  I'm a huge fan of this onesie, which celebrates the naming of the child, rather than focusing on the religious aspect of the circumcision.

SmoochieBabyBoutique

2. Be prepared to stay for a while.   The process for a bris can range from 15 minutes to several hours.  A lot depends on the arrival of the Mohel and how the baby is doing.  There's usually some nosh, so grab a plate and plan to stick around for quite a bit. And on that note, be prepared to pitch in to help.  These people just had a baby, and they are hosting something akin to a party.  Help them out by taking care of something like the trash, the dishes, or just hiding their dirty socks under the couch.

3.  Don't expect to hold the baby.  This is not only a religious ritual, but it's also the first 8 days of baby's life.  Do use hand sanitizer whenever it seems you might get a chance, but don't be upset if mamma wants to keep the baby near her.  It can be traumatic for moms to hear their baby boys crying, so don't be concerned if she holds him close, and then when it's over usher's him back to his room for some quite time and/or nursing.

4. CELEBRATE.  It can seem a bit weird to shout Mazel Tov over the cries of a baby, or seeing the tears staining the new moms' eyes, but people who hold brises and invite people to share this moment are doing so because this is a great simcha.  It's a moment when they are declaring their dedication to Judaism, welcoming their son into the community of Jews and celebrating that he's come into this world.  So remember to raise a toast, speak kind and exciting words, and celebrate the joyous occasion.  

Learning a True Apology for Yom Kippur

One of my goals for EG right now is to start understanding the thoughts and processes behind an apology.  It's been an interesting road to travel down, not just within our family, but within the preschool system, the mommy wars, and the Jewish culture.

It all started a long time ago when I read "It's okay not to share, Renegade Rules for Parenting" and learned a little more about saying "I'm Sorry."  If I'm honest I hadn't given it much thought, but I had vivid memories of fights between my parents about those words.  In my mothers world, the fact that I issued the words I'm sorry meant that all was well and good.  In my fathers, those words meant nothing, and did nothing to change what ill I'd done.  With that in mind, I agreed with Heather Shumaker and decided not to force EG to say she was sorry until it meant something and she could understand what the thoughts were behind the words.

Fast forward to EG being in school for a while and she comes home and issues 'sorry's' left and right.  Just a quick little blip on the map, then moving on with her activity and day.  And that's when I really began to feel like Ms.Shumaker was right.  I don't want empty words to placate me.  However, EG had been learning this at school and it's hard to start to undo what was already done there.

So I redoubled my efforts to get EG to offer something other than empty words.  Ice or a hug when she hurt someone, help and a hand when she knocked something over.  But that didn't go over very well on the local playground.  I remember a vivid confrontation with one mother over my daughters lack of an apology.  Mind you, EG helped the boy up, offered him a turn on the swing, and otherwise was a perfect lady when it came to sorting out the problem.  But this mom only answered back with "Aren't you going to say you're sorry?"

Of course, I now realize the problem with that exchange wasn't just about saying it.  It's with a fundamental misunderstanding in our culture today between the words "I'm Sorry" and "I apologize."  These two things are fundamentally different, and this Yom Kippur I'm trying to set the record straight.

The definition of Sorry:

sor·ry

adjective

adjective: sorry; comparative adjective: sorrier; superlative adjective: sorriest

1.

feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else's misfortune.

 

The definition of Apology:

a·pol·o·gy

noun

noun: apology; plural noun: apologies

1.

a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure.

Notice the big difference?  Sorry doesn't acknowledge any wrong doing on the part of the person involved.  It makes no one take responsibility for their actions and acknowledge a failure.  This could be a failure of communication, an accident, or an intentional infraction, but no matter what you caused it, and you should own up to it.

I've vowed this Yom Kippur to go beyond the surface and really get to the root of apologizing.  To teach my children that there is no shame, fear or embarrasment about acknowledging you did something wrong.  And as our children grow up one of the best things they can do as an adult is to accept their own failures, learn from them and move on. The new buzz word of the world is grit, and you can't have grit if you can't own up to your own mistakes.

So we'll be teaching EG a new way to apologize.  Starting with word choice. From now on I say the words 'I apologize' when I mean it, and 'I'm sorry' when it's appropriate. I'm helping EG to correct her word choice to.  And I'm offering up this model for her apologies:

1. I apologize for...

2. It was wrong because....

3. In the future I will...

4. Will you forgive me?

 

Of course, just because you apologize doesn't mean you get forgiveness.  It can sometimes take more than just a heartfelt apology to rid your heart of the anger or hurt you feel.  And EG has to learn that too.  It's all about the argument between my parents.  My mom was right that when someone truly apologizes that we should accept their apology.  My dad was right that just because you say some words it doesn't mean that my plate isn't broken anymore... Jewish talmud teaches us that you have to apologize three times to someone, to truly mean it before you can consider yourself having apologized properly and moving on without forgiveness.

If we truly see Yom Kippur as an opportunity for apologies and forgiveness then we can all take a step in the right direction this year.  I'm tired of the blanket 'if i did anything wrong, i'm sorry' approach, and I want to teach EG that she's better than that. I also believe that the heart of Yom Kippur honestly isn't about making apoligies, but rather learning to forgive.

 

I'm hoping that given time she will learn how to take responsibilities for her own actions, own up to the hurt she can cause others with her words and deeds, and then truly take the time to reflect and apologize.  We all know how untempered resentment can build up inside when you feel hurt or taken advantage of.  Hopefully when EG understands the steps to make amends she can make good friendships, be successful in school and work, and have lasting caring relationships.  But that may be too much to put onto one little apology....?

 

 

Jewish Tooth Fairy

I can't believe that I'm writing this, I can't believe that I have a need to figure this out right now.  But I do...

This past weekend while EG was in the loving care of my happy sister-in-law she had an incident.  She jumped off the slide and, in doing so, hit her chin with her knee.  Out popped one of her front teeth.  Thank goodness my SIL & BIL are kind and patient people, who took good care of EG.  She got ice cream, tylenol and a good old fashioned helping of Elsa and Anna. The girl couldn't have been happier.  Mommy however, absolutely devastated.

It's so so so so so hard to have something bad happen to your child.  Add to that the angst of not being there to do something about it. Nothing could be worse for a mother.

And so, here I find myself, debating the merits of the Tooth Fairy.  I took the time to poll just about everyone at Comic-Con what to say.  A few of my favorite responses:

"We got letters telling us our teeth were going to needy babies.  If we didn't brush well enough then she couldn't use our teeth.  I remember once giving a tooth, but not getting any money because she told me my teeth weren't clean enough"

"We had a tooth fairy, but I'm pretty sure I knew a day after she was introduced that she wasn't real."

Of course there were lots of people who didn't have that many memories, or really just didn't care one way or the other.

In my family we each had a different tooth fairy.  While there weren't any letters, etc, my Dad did spin great stories about our tooth fairies.  They were real people, and I honestly don't ever remember being upset about knowing they were fictional.  I don't remember that moment when I found out it was all a lie.

Since EG is so young, it's not like she's inundated at school with inquiries about the tooth fairy. Unlike Santa it's not like there is an army of Tooth Fairies coming out at the same time each year.  I asked my SIL if her kiddos mentioned it, just so I could see if the die had been cast.  She said her kids did mention it, but there has been no mention of it from EG at all.

I'm not sure about having a ceremony for the whole thing, but I did want to mark the occasion somehow.  EG, she wanted me to throw the tooth in the trash.  I wonder if she will remember that thought when I show her the album that has the tooth in later years..?

Turns out that Jewish kids are a step ahead in not believing the fantasies of childhood.  (I didn't access the whole article) Or maybe a step behind if you think about it that way.  There is something magical about having these characters as part of childhood- the idea behind them.  But there is also something sad about telling our children such lies.

I think I like this take on it best, which shows that sometimes even when you've answered your child directly, they don't really take these thoughts to heart as much as we think they do.  How often does EG forget what she's had for dinner, let alone the million of things I say in a day.

I did really like the idea of having a tooth fairy to help teach and learn about flossing, brushing, etc.  The girl at the Convention (yes you phone stealer and photo snapper!) whos parents told her the teeth are used for babies certainly had good motivation for keeping her teeth clean.  And for EG getting her to brush was a nightmare.   If I can have years of good teeth maintenance for the price of $.25 a tooth then I think I'm totally up for that....

This Rabbi is convinced that it doesn't really matter, and I think I agree with him.  He's kind in saying that it's not a lie, really, it's the same thing as running away from the dinosaur under the bed.  But his insistence on not paying kids for doing nothing...?  That one dosen't sit well with me.  As a commenter points out, there is a lot of work towards keeping your teeth healthy.

I think the ending news is that we've done nothing.  She didn't see the dentist until today, and for some reason I wanted to show her the tooth.  And EG isn't interested in putting it under her pillow- as I mentioned, she wants it in the trash.

We did say the Shehecyanu prayer, which we've been saying a lot lately.  I thought it was a good way to mark the occasion.  And it was so funny when we were going to my Dad's house (Grambe) that she told us that no one was supposed to tell him.  "No one.  Shhh"

For now I'll just have my holey grin cutie.  We'll really worry about the Tooth Fairy if/when she looses another tooth and asks about it.

Do you have the tooth fairy?  Any advice?

5 things your 3-year old can (and should) do

Now that EG is three I've really ramped up my expectations for her.  Yup, yesterday she could skate on by in life, but today is the start of all the doldrums of life.  Like chores and responsibility... hehe...

1. Setting the table.  All children can help to set the table.  At the beginning it might be something as easy as napkins- no one can break a napkin!  But I'd throw the idea out there that a three year old is capable of doing napkins, silverware (yes, even butter knives for mommy and daddy) as well as their own plate.  It's possible that your three year old could handle bringing the nice plates to the table too!

2. Cleaning up after a meal.  At the very very least your three-year-old can clean up their own place.  That means taking their plate into the sink or the counter, getting their silverware where it needs to go, etc.  Throwing their napkin or yogurt cup into the trash can.  I would go so far as to add that most three-year-olds can help clear a baby sisters plate too.

3. Clean-up after themselves.  This is a wide range of things.  From putting their laundry in the laundry basket, hanging up their own backpack and coat, and cleaning up that milk they spill all over the floor. They are way more capable than we sometimes give them credit for.  Of course, using chemicals is still out of the game (aka, you still need to get out the cleaner when they pee on the floor yet again) but they can get the paper towels just the same.

4. Carrying their own things.  This applies to their backpack and lunch to/from school or daycare.  Their own jacket out to the car.  There is no reason for you to be a pack mule to your preschooler anymore.  If you get in the habit now by the time they hit regular school you can only worry about your own latte (and their younger siblings!)

5.  Packing their own things.  This one is a bit tricky.  It's not like your three-year-old can really guage what the right amount of underwear is for a 3 day trip (I'm going with at least 6 pairs), but they can help make sure that they have everything they need.  Their lovey- make sure they grab it.  Their special blanket- again on them.  Of course you have to pack the essentials like toothpaste and sunscreen, but they can certainly help pick things out and remember them too.  When EG tells me that we forgot something or asks me where something she thinks she needs is I'm fond of saying "well did you bring/remember/pack it?"  This one helps drive that message home that they can be responsible too!

Not all three-year-olds are ready for all these items at once.  Or maybe you are totally ahead of the curve and doing all of these things since your tiny baby was just 2 years old.  If so, then here are a few bonus things for you...

6. Helping cook food.  Most preschoolers can crack eggs, mix and dump things, and many are ready to help stir on the stove top.  Invest in a good stool  (I love the solid wood one from Ikea) and let them get to it. It's so great to have help at dinner time, rather than someone just constantly complaining about when dinner will be ready.   EG loves to help spread sauce, and cut things with her own Ikea plastic knife.  We've even been known to let her use a more dull metal knife on occasion.

7. Make the bed.  This might seem a bit irrelevant, but I think it's an important thing to be doing.  It really changes the make-up of a room and puts everyone on the right step from the beginning.  I help EG make her bed in the mornings, and if I'm honest we don't always get to it after naptime...  Of course, you could think like Eloise and have them make your bed...

One Smart Cookie

I'm constantly amazed by EG.  Yesterday she was desperate to watch Frozen.  But Mommy kept telling her that it was such a nice day outside that it wasn't time for a movie.  So what did EG diecde to do....?

Around 4pm I put Ocho down for her second nap.  Both EG and I ran into my room to look at Ocho on her baby monitor.  Eg spotted my teddy bear on the bed, and immediately started getting excited that our teddies could be friends. 

"Mommy- our teddies are sisters.  No, yours is the mommy, look it's bigger than mine.  Hold your teddy Mommy."

Fast forward five minutes to...

"Mommy, you don't feel well.  That's why you need your teddy.  I'll get my doctoring stuff."

Eg runs around the house gathering assorted doctoring materials from her bedroom. 

"Mommy- I check your ears.  It takes a long time.  Then we check your temperature.  You have a fever.  You need to stay in bed.  I'll call the doctor"

"But EG, I thought you were the doctor."

"No Mommy, I'm the nurse, I take care of you."

She runs away, then comes back about 3 minutes later.  I'm thinking I've got it made- naptime for Mommy too?!

"Mommy, the doctor is coming.  But we need to make you feel better.  I'll brush your hair."

She brings two dolly hairbrushes and my de-tangling spray from the bathroom.

"Here Mommy.  This will make you better.  I'll go get your bottle."

Oh, I'm thinking, I'm a baby now.  That's okay, babies get to sleep too.

"Mommy, you need to get your bear and come to the couch.  We have to put on Ana and Elsa, they will make you feel better.  The doctor told me it would make you feel better while we wait for him.  HeThe boy doctor and the girl doctor are coming after dinner.  I'm the nurse, I'll take care of you."

Wow- what just happened?  Is this what she thinks makes her feel better when she's sick.  How are we know watching Elsa and Ana?  OMG- I just got PLAYED!

I'm trying so hard to figure out why she thinks she's not the doctor (cue nervous mom who thinks that her daughter dosen't have high enough ambitions, or enough science, etc.) but what's really going on here- a ploy for Frozen.

But don't worry, when we were watching it she made sure to tell me that the doctor was on the way, and that I shouldn't be scared because she was here for me.

Wow EG- you are one smart girlie!

An Ode to Military Mamas

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life.  I didn't think that things could get much more difficult after having a newborn and having my Mom die out of the blue.  But I was wrong.  While all of that was happening at least I had Working Dad at home to cry to and fight with.  Now it's just me and the kiddos.

I've talked about this solo parenting thing before, but I just can't believe how hard it is. 

For me the hardest part is that I'm not a single parent.  I know that seems strange, it's not that I want to be a single parent, but having him flit in and out of our lives like this makes it just so so hard.  Now, Working Dad, please don't read/read to much into this, it's not that you are doing something wrong, it's just the way life is.

Which brings me to some of my new heroes.  The mamas (and some Daddys) who stay at home while their counterpart is off in the military.  Case in point- my wonderful cousin with her hubbie and two kiddos. 

She did the whole after birth thing/raising her daughter without Daddy for months after she was born.  But she wasn't actually alone.  Her wonderful husband has always been a part of their daughter life.  Phone calls, e-mails, etc. Breaks and time away to be at home, etc.  But while he's a parent (and a damn good one at that) he's not there everyday.  Everyday it's mommy and babies and Daddy as a far off figure.

This is what makes it so hard and amazing.  That these women are constantly helping their children understand that Daddy loves them, and is doing his job somewhere else.  That he's not with them, but that's not what matters.  They deal with the emotions of Dad's to short visits, and phone calls. They deal with breakfast and bed time and everything in between.  And I am in awe of them.


They are sacrificing for me.  For my children.  For our family and all the families in America.  They are taking on the burden of solo parenting for the sake of our safety.  They guide their children through life and battle those difficult moments for the safety of America.

Even when Daddy comes home they are at the whim of something bigger than them.  Transfers and orders and things they just can't pick and choose about.  At least I made this choice all on my own. And I can change it in an instant.

We're doing it for Working Dad's new job.  Had I known exactly what I was getting into, I might have chosen differently.

But my cousin- she is truly the hero.  Everyday raising her wonderful and gorgeous babies.  Thank you to you and your Husband for making us safe in our beds at night.  For giving me vision to see that I can do this.  That I get to talk to my hubbie each night and that the few times I was in tears and overwhelmed he just got in his car and showed up on my doorstep an hour later.  She didn't have that option.  She, and they, are amazing.

Jewish Summer School at Home...?

 Now that the summer is almost upon us, I'm working hard to set-up a mini curriculum for EG.  She'll be home for at least the first portion of the summer, since we'll be moving through July.  I think we've found a great new school for her, but we're still waiting until we are absolutely sure (aka closing on the property) to tell EG.

So, in the meantime I'm going to keep her home.  But I don't want to have weeks and weeks of complete chaos.  I know that kiddos thrive on routine, and without a game plan I'm afraid that we'll end up totally sick of each other in just about every way.

In getting together a game plan, I've started with a Jewish piece.  I've always wanted to bring more Jewish learning into our home- somehow bridge the gap between what she is learning at school (orthodox environment) and what we do at home (Reformadox).  So I've collected a few books.

Obviously I haven't been using these very much yet, but I'm excited to jump in.  Once I've used a few of the lesson plans, I'll come back and give an updated review.

1. Morah Morah, Teach Me Torah.  I chose this book because it goes through each of the weekly parsha.  It gives a clear and easily understood, developmentally appropriate overview of the parsha.  Then it goes on to give dozens of interactive/multimedia ideas about how to engage with what we are learning.  My favorite part is the interactive family discussion questions for the dinner table.  Not all of them are suitable for EG right now, but I'm thrilled that we'll be able to 'grow' into the book.

2. What's Jewish about Butterflies.  This book takes a totally different approach and explores what we might consider as 'ordinary' objects and adds some ideas about how to explore the Jewish roots or pieces of these ideas.  I got this one because I'm positive that I'll be doing some version of teaching EG letters, and I love the idea of a theme for the week.  That's something they do at her school now, so it will feel familiar for me to do it as well.  This way I can also throw in Jewish ideas into everything we do.  The school we are thinking about putting EG into also uses a book by the same author into how to incorporate Judaism into everyday classroom experiences.

3. Jewish and Me, a Teachers guide to Holidays.  This one also has a bit of a lofted view for EG right now, but I loved how it gives specific questions for each of the holidays to ask the children.  It gives a lesson plan approach, which I don't think I'll use, but will give me a framework to add additional things to the holidays.  Technically this is a companion book to the specific books about each holiday.  I got it because I think that I can use other pictures, etc to do what they are doing.  And I didn't want to buy the whole series.

Things I'm loving

It's an odd day for there to be a few different internet ideas or television items that I'm loving, but right now, I couldn't help but share these two:

1.  This breastfeeding video.  You all know I'm pro breastfeeding, and I'm also totally anti the cover.  It's just not a thing for me.  I'm not embarrassed and I just don't want to create a whole situation where I don't feel comfortable nursing and feeding Ocho, or any other baby I might have.  That's not to say that I'm not happy to go somewhere private if it's convenient for me and her.  Honestly she's a bit distractable when I'm nursing, so a little privacy can really help.

There have been so many moments when I haven't felt comfortable.  Both strangers, and I'm sad to say, members of my own family and social circle have made me feel like nursing isn't okay.  But that's fine, I'm still going to nurse her when she needs it.

I've  enjoyed nursing both of my girls.  There are definitely moments when it's tiresome, or bothersome, but most moments I enjoy the connection.  With Ocho I'm constantly reminded that this time period is so short.  If this was EG I would will only be nursing for a few more months... these are beautiful moments with mother and child, and I hope that the world begins to recognize that.  I'm just a mother, breastfeeding her baby.

2. This commercial about taking vacation.  It's tone is a little negative (I'm not a fan of trying to guilt anyone into doing anything, even taking vacation) but I love that there's a 'movement' to take more time off.  It's true how often we hear that we can't possibly take time off.  There's nothing like a vacation to reconnect the family.  Between time together and no responsibilites even a weekend getaway can reconnect a family.

Here's to embracing our vacation time.  Here's to recognizing that as important as our work is, our legacy in the world is our family.  What will stay with us forever are the families we create and the memories we have with them.  No one knows that better than someone who just lost their mom.  We're about to go on a memorial vacation with my side of the family.  How sad that we couldn't get it together to get together before she died.  That the last family vacation we had was in October of 2014....

Oh well- embrace the moment.  Take the time off!

Shavuot- Crafts for Kiddos

Wow- it's already time for Shavuot!  This year it coincides with Memorial Day weekend, which can make it an even more exciting holiday for all of us.

The holiday of Shavuot is celebrating that giving of the Torah to on Mt. Sinai.  The official moment when the ten commandments were given to the Jews of the world.  There is a precept that all Jewish souls that were ever going to be on earth were present when the 10 commandments were given.

In temples and congregations around the United States people everywhere are perfecting their cheesecake and blintz recipes.  It's the moment for the ice cream party of all ice cream parties, and while that's awesome, it's not exactly what I want my children to focus on when it comes time for Shavuot.

So, to celebrate the more religious aspect of the holiday, I present to you this 10 commandment craft for the kiddos:

Step 1:  Get one piece of white card stock for each child that will be doing a project.  I chose 12x12, but 8.5x11 is totally fine.  12x12 is scrap booking paper and I have a ton of it hanging around the house.

Step 2: Allow each child to choose one paint color- brush on hand to cover all the palm print.  Apply hand to paper.  Repeat with the second hand.

 Step 3:  Read off childs version of the 10 commandments, and assign each finger to a commandment.  In this case I also let EG choose which color pen I should use for each finger.  She really enjoyed that part.

The commandments for kiddos are very close to what they are in the Torah, except a bit simpler to explain and understand.

1. There is only one G-d
2. We should not make pretend G-ds
3. G-ds name is special
4. Remember Shabbat is a day to rest and say thank you.
5. Listen to your parents and take care of them
6. Do not hurt people
7. Love and look after everyone in your family
8. Do not take things that belong to other people
9. Do not say things that aren't true
10. Be happy with what you have.

I really like this version, because its simple and it re-enforces things that we want EG to do anyways.

I will be framing this and putting it up on EG's wall, a constant reminder of the top 10 commandments from G-d.

Do you have any shavuot crafts you'll be doing?

Winner Winner, Easy Dinner

With the house going on the market any day now, it's been a challenge to keep things 'open house worthy' all the time.  One of the biggest challenges is making dinner.  While I wouldn't invite someone into my home during/around dinnertime, using the stovetop sure can make a mess.  And I'm totally not in the mood to scrub my stovetop every single night in order to make it look tip top for buyers.

Enter the Crockpot.

While I usually use my crockpot at least once a week, I've been turning to it more regularly than ever.  It's a one-pot meal.  No worries about much food prep/cooking.  You throw everything in, turn it on, and let it go.

I've still been doing it during the day, but just as easily I could fill it up and turn it on overnight while we're all asleep.  Then I just need to reheat whatever I've cooked.  And since crockpot meals are already sort of cooked to death, there's no problem in reheating them...

So, here's my latest Crockpot meal:

Sweet Potato Quinoa Chicken chili

Ingredients

• 1 or 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts
• 1 cup quinoa (I used multicolored)
• 2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped into cubes
• 1 small onion diced
• 1 can black beans
• 1 can petite diced tomatoes
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1 Tbsp chili powder
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
• ½ tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp salt
• ¼ tsp (approximately) freshly ground pepper
• 5 cups chicken broth

Instructions

1. Spray the slow cooker with nonstick spray. This seems unnecessary, but I really recommend it, since this is a tomato based recipe.
2. Put chicken in the bottom of the slow cooker, top with diced onions, and chopped sweet potatoes
3. Rinse and drain quinoa, then add to slow cooker
4. Drain and rinse the black beans and add those in. Add in the undrained petite diced tomatoes, minced garlic, chili seasoning mix, and chicken broth.
5. Place on high for 3-5 hours (It took 4 hours on high for my crockpot.)
6. Using two forks, shred the chicken and stir all the ingredients together.
7. Add salt and pepper and if desired fresh parsley.
8. Serve immediately.

This recipe is so great for everyone.  It's easy to make vegetarian by using veggie broth and omitting the chicken.  I served this to a vegetarian friend who doesn't mind things cooked with chicken by serving her portion before I shredded the chicken.

It's great for babies, and Ocho really enjoyed it.  Quinoa is good for babies at about 8 months old, but it's also a very non-allergenic food, so there aren't to many worries. Black beans and sweet potatoes are great for babies too.  Lots of people worry about the spices, but there's a difference between highly spiced food and spicy food. This is highly spiced, but not spicy (unless you up the cayenne!).

EG loved it too, and requested seconds and thirds!

Here's to an easy peasy meal that takes no more than a chopped sweet potato and a chopped onion!