Moving Home

It's finally happened.  We've moved our family into the new house. Despite the workmen still coming in and out daily, it is beginning to feel like home.  Sitting on our couch by the fireplace.  Putting Ocho to bed in her wooden crib rather than a pack n play.  Putting our Ketubah on the wall and our mezuzah on the doorpost.

There have been so many emotions in moving to a new place.  Boxes everywhere, tears were shed. On the way over to the new house EG told my in-laws that she wasn't going to sleep there.  That she was going home to Grandpa's house.

It's always tough to transition the family into a new place, so here are a few tips for doing it with kiddos:

1. Prioritize their spaces.  I know this seems a bit counter intuitive, but the reality is that you can unpack the kitchen while the children sleep, but you can't put away their toys in their rooms.  The faster they feel safe, secure and home the better off everyone will be.  It also helps to let them explore where toys are, clothing, and all the things they may have missed during the move.

2. Think about windows, doors and lights.  There's nothing worse then getting out of the shower after washing off all the moving dirt to suddenly realize that the whole neighborhood can see you in your towel.  It seems obvious, but children are exceptionally sensitive to light and are so quick on the pick-up.  They might open the door you never thought they would.  The last thing you need is your 3 year old opening the front door while you think they are safe inside the house.  Trust me...

3. Do it all at once.  Just like ripping off a band-aid and moving to a toddler bed it's best to just do it all at once.  There won't be that many days of transition and the faster you establish the 'new normal' the better off you are.  It can be tempting to try some sort of easing into it, whether letting Ocho sleep in the pack n' play, or letting everyone play at the new house then return to the old to sleep.  It just confuses things and prolongs the adjustment period.

4. Set up Standards.  One of the hardest things with moving is figureing out where everything should go.  As an adult it's okay to think that you can put something somewhere then move it.  But for kiddos that's so much harder.  We have totally lost that battle on the shoes.  We didn't have the support we needed to put together our shoe cabinet until just last night, so everyone has just started throwing shoes on the floor by the door.  Can we change it? Yes, but it will take time and diligence.  Plus a rug by the the garage door..
.

5. Do something nice for yourself.  Something to make your home yours.  Putting up the mezuzahs was ours, but also commanded.  This door hanger, however, makes the house feel like a home.  It was a gift from Working Dad's brother and his wife.  And we love it.  It makes our house chime with happiness whenever you open the door.  It's your home... do your thing!

Happy Birthday Mom- visiting a grave site

Today was my mother's birthday.  So the whole family made the trip all the way up to the cemetery to go and see her.  There were lots of groups there today- a few funerals, but lots of family groups visiting their loved ones.  However, despite all the activity, we were definitely the only group with children.  Especially young, little, tiny children.

I've tried to explain as best I can to my girls what it means to them that Grandma died.  We've had way, way, way to much death for their little short lives.  But, of course, it really doesn't matter when they learn about it, because it's going to happen eventually no matter what I have to say about the matter.

Jewish tradition doesn't put much stock in visiting the grave site of a loved one.  That's not to say it's not done on the memorial day, or on holy days, but it's sort of seen as a few and far between thing.  Judaism is all about acknowledging the pain, but keeping yourself in the present.  Additionally there is some worry that you could turn your deceased relative into some sort of deity by 'praying to them' at their grave site.  I only think it's interesting because the grave sites of many Rabbi's have become internationally known places to go and pray, not to mention the western wall, which is sort of like the grave site of the temple, no?

But moving on....

It can be sort of tricky to explain to a three year old why you are visiting your dead mother.  The conversation goes something like this....

EG: Where are we going Mom?

Me: To visit Grandma Judy.

EG:  Oh, okay.  Why are we visiting her?

ME: Because today is her birthday, and it's nice to go there to see her.

EG: But mom she can't see us.

ME: Well, I believe she can see us.  I know it's sort of confusing, but there are really two parts to each person.  Your physical body, the part you can touch, and a part we call your soul, which is inside of you that you can't touch.  Grandma Judy is with G-d, and G-d is everywhere, so she can see us.

EG: But Mom, G-d doesn't have eyes...

ME: Well, no he doesn't.  Do you remember the song from school?  Up Up, down down, right left and all around, here there and everywhere that's where he can be found... see, G-d is everywhere.  And so is Grandma Judy.

EG: Look Mom- my shoe won't go on right.

Thank goodness she usually gets distracted before I have to get to far into the conversation.  I'm not afraid to talk about death or G-d or, really, anything with my daughter.  But putting all these confusing topics into words is really hard.  Trying to help her understand.  This is the same girl who is worried about her missing front tooth because it can't see where to go, so she's trying to show it with her own eyes.

Then we get to the graveside.  We wander around looking for appropriate rocks.  One of these days/yahrtzeits I'm going to remember to have her look in advance and paint the rock to leave at the grave site. I think that would be a wonderful and nice tribute to my mom...but I digress.

There we are, with two little tinnies, who are rearranging rocks, adding pine cones, playing literally on my mothers stone.  I know Mom wouldn't mind, but that isn't how the other mourners felt.  We've got no one sitting in black, both of my kids are loud, and pointing out butterflies.  While Working Dad and I are a little subdued, neither of us are trying to shush the kiddos.

At the end of the day these children are her legacy.  They along with their cousins are all that is left in the world of her spirit, and I think they honor her to know where she is, to visit her and maybe connect with her and G-d.  I know that she would love to hear their sweet voices, even their sad cries and tears.  So I choose not to be upset by the fact that some others might not like it.  Let them mourn in their way, and we'll mourn in ours... loudly- with butterflies.

I've been on the search for some books to help with the subject, and the first one I come upon is this one:

It's like a sign from my mom, because she totally LOVED Dr. Laura. In fact she used to listen to her radio program every day, and when I got married the first thing she did was buy me her books about the care and feeding of a hubbie and marriage.

But then I kept looking, because one book might not be enough.  You never know what might click with a kiddo.  Then I found this one...

This is my mother's second favorite author.  And I'm so happy.  It's like G-d is speaking to me through Amazon tonight.  To show me these books, by these authors, because my daughter has questions about her Grandma.

Here's hoping these books with help us answer some of these questions.  Do you have any good books you go to?  Any good thoughts about how to talk to little ones about G-d and graves and death?

5 Tips to Get to the Gym

Since it's January, it's officially get back inside the gym month in America.  Are you one of the 15% of people who have vowed to add going to the gym to your resolutions?  Called 'resolutionaires" 25 percent is the typical increase in usage during the month of January.  Which also corresponds to the additional  About 15 percent of people who make New Year's resolutions vow to get fit, WebMD reports.  "Usage can increase by 25 percent during January," Lisa Hufcut, director of public relations of New York Sports Clubs, told The Huffington Post.

1. Buy cute clothes!  When you look your best you also feel your best.  It's hard to want to get up and go to the gym when you are feeling like you look terrible and hate everything you put on.  Reward yourself for getting started by buying something that you like, look good in, and helps you find some joy in the process of getting there.

My personal favorite is Old Navy.  They are good clothes, good prices and a wide variety for different activities.  I know it seems ridiculous, but do pay a bit of atention to the different styles of gear.  The last thing you want is to be in a pair of yoga pants on a cycle bike... Trust me...

2. Get good shower products.  This sort of follows along the first line, but I think it's even more critical.  There's nothing more rewarding than completing that run on the treadmill or that workout you had in mind than getting into the shower and putting that wonderful conditioner in your hair.  For me my two splurges are LUSH products and Bumble and Bumble.  When I step into that shower (yes, the grimy one that everyone else uses) I get to turn it into my own personal spa retreat.  Now is a great time to stock up on LUSH since they are having their annual BOGO sale.

3. Get the class times on your schedule.  Sometimes you don't want to just run on the treadmill.  Sometimes you don't have the time to make a plan for yourself at the gym.  And sometimes you really want to put anything else in front of going to the gym.  Take a proactive step on all of these problems by putting classes on your schedule.  I'm not going to lie to you- January is probably one of the WORST time to try out a new class.  They will be crowded and packed with all sorts of people who are starting off on their resolutions.  But sometimes that can be good.  It means that the teachers are ready for newbies- it means more explanations, rather than watching 30 people get tons of equipment while you have no idea what's going on.  Don't be afraid, JUMP IN!

4. Don't skimp on shoes and socks. I know we've discussed gym gear earlier, but I think it's even more important to talk specifically about shoes and socks.  Your workout shoes might be one of the most expensive pairs you buy.  And it's critical to buy the right pair of shoes for the right workout.  Running on trails is totally diffferent than cross training or doing the treadmill.  When you have the wrong shoe you could end up with food injuries that might hamper your path to a fun workout.  And for a moment, let's talk about socks.  There's a reason why Coach Wooden always started there.  Nothing is more annoying than being all ready to go, but no socks to find or wear.  Seriously!

5. Get the kids enrolled in the Childcare.  Need I say more here.  Okay, maybe I'm the only one who uses the gym because it means that there are two hours of time that my children are otherwise occupied and I get to shower alone.  But it's a great way for them to stay social, do some crafts (our gym does one almost every time they go!) and get a bit of time to explore the world themselves.  And for me, sitting in the hottub at the end of a workout- I get to be a better mom.  With some time apart I'm ready for the hours before nap and after dinner.

If all these suggestions aren't ringing your bell, or don't have quite enough for you, try the PACTapp.  I've never used it myself, but the concept seems fairly simple.  Just like work- do it and get paid, don't and forfiet the cash.  Might be just the extra motivation you need.

Here's to 2016.... OMG a Goal Post

I've never really enjoyed seeing everyone write out their goals for 2016.  It's quite possibly because I've found so much more meaning in the same idea, but for Rosh Hashana.  This year, however, I'm writing out some things that I plan to do.

Instead of thinking of them as goals, I'm thinking of them as public proclamations to help keep me honest.  So here goes...

1. WHOLE 30: Starting today I'm jumping on the WHOLE 30 bandwagon.  Yes, it's January 1, which is probably the most typical and ridiculous day to start the program.  But I don't care.  It's time for me to figure out my GI issues, and to really think about my food intake.  When Working Dad moved down here to Orange County without me I took a big jump off the deep end being alone each night with nothing but food and chores.  So now I'm finally ready and settled enough to give it a go.

2. BUY A HOUSE!  That's right folks, I have a determined plan to buy a house.  We've been homeless now for over half a year, and I'm ready for it to end.  I'm ready to be unpacking all those boxes of things I haven't seen in way to long (like all the shoes that were EG's that Ocho desperately needs!)

3. VACATION WITH MY HUSBAND:  Yup, sionara kiddos, I'm ready to get the heck out of dodge and find some us time.  It's been hard for us to not have a space of our own for so long.  To long.  But that's the breaks of the game.  It's time to unwind, reconnect and remember all the things we love about each other, why we got married and what we need to do to keep it going.  We had a rough year last year, but let's move on.

4. MAKE NEW FRIENDS:  Along with moving to a new place, comes making new friends (I'm looking at you unknown anonymous reader!)  It's tough to move to new places, and I've started the process here in south OC (Hi MOMS Club) but it's an ongoing continuous cycle of events to meet new people and get in touch.

5. FAMILY VACATION:  We, all four of us, need to get gone.  Ideally someplace outside of the continental US, but I'll settle for a few good camping trips.  It's so much fun to see us outside of our 'natural habitat (though I'm not sure we have one of those anymore...) and it's important for us to take time to reconnect.

6. BE IN TOUCH WITH MYSELF: I need to honor my own ideas and thoughts this year.  And that's all I'm going to say about that.  Between me, G-d, and this little line here, hopefully I can take it forward.

7.  LAUNCH MY NEW WEBSITE:  That's what the big announcement was going to be last year.  Let's get it done!

Five tips I'm taking from staging

When we got our house ready to sell we had to get things in order.  That meant clearing out the clutter and really trying to scale back.  In some ways it was bad (I really miss the kids playspace) but in lots of other ways it's been really good.

Here are 5 things I'll continue to do when we finally find our next house...

1. Keep cooking things off the counter. 

This isn't my counter top, (thanks gcmenezes) but it might as well have been.  We kept olive oil, salt, pepper, random spices, vinegar, etc. all on the countertop right next to the stove.  So when we were getting ready to sell all those things had to move up to to the shelf above.

This is my kitchen:

Enter the bright and sparkly, and not cluttered, countertop.  See those hanging shelves down from the upper cabinet?  Those were where my spices are.  Despite these clever storage units there was still a TON of stuff where those flowers are.  Needless to say, my realtor was not a fan- she made me clean it up.  I thought it would really drive me nuts, but it dosen't.  I just put everything in that cabinet above the countertop and put it away when I'm done.  It means a nicer workspace for all of us.

2. Put it away, immediately

I know we've heard this before, but living in a house where at any moment you could get a call from your realtor about someone wanting to stop by really drives the message home.  I wouldn't wish that stress on anyone, but it really puts it in perspective about how the little things (like really finishing a project, or only doing the things you really have time for) can impact your feelings about the house.  With things neat and tidy I had more time to spend scrapbooking, and making messes that I knew

3. Get rid of it.

A huge piece to staging is clearing out the clutter.  From piles of papers to anything else.  It's totally liberating to realize how little stuff you need.  Yes, there are things that I was missing in my life, but honestly, those things are fewer than I thought they might be.  There are tons of things that we just don't need but we own anyways.  And no, I'm not talking about Halloween decor or Maternity clothes, I'm talking about the 6 different random coffee mugs, or the cards from college that you really don't need to be hanging on to.  When you are packing, and prepping the house for sale you realize all the things you just don't need.

4. Toy Rotation/Less Toys

I've always been a fan of this idea, but it wasn't until my kiddos were living with less than a quarter of their toys, both at home most days, and still doing totally fine that I realized my kids are inundated with toys.  We had a whole playspace full of them, in addition to whats here in these photos, and they don't really miss a them almost ever.  Sure there are items they do miss (guitar anyone...?) but over the long haul it's been totally fine.  Paper, a few crayons, playdough and bubbles have kept us happy since EG stopped school in mid-June.

5. Mementos and photos make a house a home

This has been the easiest lesson to learn.  Without the things that make us who we are, it's a sad place to be in.  A house is more than a house- it's a home to you and your stuff.They moved a lot of our photos, and living without touching anything makes it a really stressful way to live.  So bake that bread, hang up that photo, and enjoy living in your home.

Rambam on Marraige

When we think about parenting, we don't always think about marriage.  But I believe that at the core of every new human being are the two people who created that life.  Does it always have to be that way, absolutely not.  Sometimes it's just not to be that the people who created life will raise up that child.  But I still think that one of the most important things that we can do for our children is prioritize our marriages.

It's interesting to me, because one of the core beliefs in Judaism is that it's critical to have children (the first of the 613 mitzvot: Be fruitful and multiply) but, as we all know, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

After I shared last week about how difficult it's been to be a solo parent I don't think I gave enough voice to how hard it is to be without your spouse.  I got married because I wanted to be with my husband.  To form a bond with him of the highest sense- to fuse our souls together as one.  But it's not always easy.

Rambam gives us some interesting thoughts on marriage:

Our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast a superfluous measure of fear over her. He should talk with her gently, being neither sad nor angry.

 

And similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy.

 (Mishneh Torah, Ishut Chapter15)

Now, these phrases are caught up in  a lot of text about having babies, getting divorced, and letting your husband have his way with you, but I think these portions have a place in everyone's life. 

It can often seem a burden to relate to your spouse in the best way possible. To give them the respect you know they deserve, because you also know that their job is to love you anyways. That you have been nice to the gardener, the mail man, the grocer, the co-worker and your boss today and you don't have any niceness in you left for your kids let alone for your husband. 

But then we remember Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) and we remember that we alone can change our fate.  We are in charge of our own actions and our own happiness.  I can choose to see the glass half empty or half full.  Heck, I can just add more water!

It's giving our spouses respect that can add water to the well. 

My mom used to tell me about the Well of Goodwill that each person has for another.  Ironically your well of goodwill is most full with an absolute stranger you see on the street.  You've just drilled a new hole in the ground for them and they've yet to do anything to take the water out.  With your spouses, however, your well is a constantly shifting experience. 

Today he brought you flowers and added some water.  But later he left his dirty socks on the clean laundry and dropped that bucket of water all over the floor. 

If we think of filling our well by showing respect to our spouses we need not worry about love.  Through our respectful actions, thoughts and care we will inherently add both water in our well and love in our hearts.

Rambam gives us a foundation for understanding that love is not the end all be all of a relationship.  We all know that there are moments in our lives when we don't feel love at all- we feel disappointment, anger, resentment and a whole host of other feelings.  But honor and respect are more than just feelings- they are actions.  They are the way we honestly and truly love our spouse for them self.

What is love at it's base?  A feeling that I have for you.  It has nothing to do with you.  How often have we seen people in love with someone who doesn't feel the same for them?  My classic example right now is Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory.  She loves him, but he barely thinks about his emotions at all.  When I love you I'm feeling something inside of me, not really something about you.

But honor and respect are ways that I interact with valuing you.  They show you that I care about you on a deeper and more fundamental level than my self-love. 

Beyond respect and honor Rambam gives us some truth about me being from Mars and Women from Venus.  He clearly tells us that a woman wants to be shown her love through actions (accordance to his means) and words (talk with her gently).  She wants to think that she is the most important thing in the world (honor her more, love him as himself)

While a man needs to be shown his respect by being seen as competent and capable of making decisions (according to his directives) and that he needs to be validated in her world (shun everything he disdains). 

While Working Dad and are in this separation and in this melting pot of stress and trouble I can see only to clearly how much Rambam knows.  I am constantly telling him that I want him to prioritize us over the weekends, that I want to see his love and hear his thoughts.  He is constantly feeling like he has to make all these decisions and be on top of everything for fear that it might all fall apart.

But if we can find a way to come back to the beginning.  Back to the respect we all deserve then our marriage's foundation will go from fragile sand to hard cement.  If we can think with our minds not that the well is full or empty, but that we can constantly be adding water to it then I know we will all be alright.

Five Year's Past

Five years ago I married the love of my life.  Five years ago we stood under the chuppah promising to make a home together and a family.  We took vows, signed paperwork, and made a commitment.

I can't believe how much has changed in these five years.  For the good, the bad, the in-between.

For dinner on Sunday night I made Anne Burrell's braised lamb (make the gremolata- it really takes the flavors up a notch!)  I took the lamb out of the freezer at about 10am, and at about 2pm I realized I had better get cooking or those lamb shanks wouldn't be good eating for anyone.  And then I pureed my veggies, realized I didn't have carrots so made a substitution, browned my lamb, added my wine.   I just did it all and threw it in the oven.

As Working Dad and I took our first bites he asked me if I would have been able to do that five years ago.  And I couldn't help but think back to the dinners I was making then.

I've always been a decent cook, but throwing together braised lamb without a care in the world and a tiny human holding on to my pants legs- that was a different experience altogether.  There's no way that I would have been doing a recipe like that without tons of stress and worry.  I didn't even know what I was going to do with the lamb until about 2:30pm when I decided to look up a few recipes.  But that's not quite the point...

It wasn't until he said anything that I realized that I've changed so much too.

1. I've grown happy in my mothering.  It's not scary, or overwhelming.  Each day has it's ups and downs, but as Samantha from Sex in the City says "I'm happy everyday.  Not all day everyday, but everyday."  Sometimes EG and Ocho are just making me want to scream.  But honestly, I love it all.  It feels good have a day when everything clicks into place with the dishes, the laundry, games and fun with the kiddos and love with my husband.  But even on those days when nothing falls into place I value being a mother every day.

2. I've grown happy in being a wife.  It makes me happy to work towards Shalom Bayit in my household.  To focus my thoughts and attentions on him and his world.  To do my best to make our home a lovely place to come home to, a place he wants to be and enjoy.  Sometimes we aren't on the same page, but the flowers he brings me help me know that we're all in it together.

3. I've grown contented in my beliefs.  Being Jewish has always been a core part of who I am, but as I've had children, become a wife I've reached deeper and deeper into my faith to find answers.  The Torah has so many lessons for us, and the commandments are wonderful guidelines to help us find answers.  Whenever I've reached a tremendous cross-road in my life I've come to realize that Torah has the answer.

4. I need my extended family more than ever.  Being without my mom has been so very difficult.  It's still a challenge every day to miss her, not talk to her, and not be able to hear her laughter.  The hugs one gets from a mom aren't found anywhere else.  It's not something that's been five year's in the making, but I'm hoping that as we cross over the one year mark here in a few months that I'll be able to learn to live with her, without her a bit better.  It's taught me just how valuable and important my family is.  To truly enjoy the sisters and brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins that I have.  I only wish that some of them didn't make it so difficult to love them.

MIA: Sorry

So in the past week since I've last posted we've had Shavuot, Yitzkor, Memorial Day, Society for Creative Anachronism war, and we've sold our house.

Yup, you read that right, we've sold our house.  That's what's been keeping us up at night.  Our home is officially in escrow, and we leave the lovely and amazing South Bay at the end of June.

No turning back now.

You may think that we've got it all worked out.  That we are ready to rock and roll and pack and move.  And that would be awesome....

Except we aren't.  We haven't gotten a place to move into.  We were thinking about moving in with my dad, but a trial run of us being there resulted in one kiddo waking the other continuously throughout the night and my cat deciding to viciously pee all over the place.  Did I mention that EG also decided it would be a good time to stop being potty trained and she pooped all over herself and her bed?  Did I also mention my dad just got new carpet in the whole house...?  Lovely...

So we are figuring it out.  And I'm trying hard not to freak out to much....

Mayim and Mourning- Sharing an experience

If you are a regular Kveller reader you may have noticed that Mayim Baylik's father passed away recently.  Maybe you read it on People or some other site.  I haven't written too much about the Jewish laws of mourning here on the site. Certainly I've mentioned my mom, and if I'm honest, I have a sad and scared post about Mother's Day that I haven't posted.

Nothing in life prepares you for mourning the loss of a parent. The idea that the person who gave you life is no longer in the world is incomprehensible. It is an existential divide between the “regular” world and the one occupied by mourners.

Becoming a mourner and living without a mother is an uncharted emotional territory.

For me this is a bit of my happy place- a space that lets me just be okay.  Sometimes, even though this is an anonymous blog in a lot of ways, it's also a very public place. People who know me and love me read this, and sometimes my thoughts make them worried.

But Mayims post about saying kaddish for her father really moved me.  For those of you who don't know Kaddish is the prayer a mourner says for a specific period of time to note the passing of a loved one.  Jewish law states a certain relationship of person you are allowed to mourn for.  That sounds harsher than it is, but with this I've honestly found it helpful.  I say 'allowed' because Judaism believes that your relationship to the person is deeply important.  We mourn deeply for mothers, fathers, spouses, sisters, brothers, and children.  It acknowledges the deep and profound connection we have with these individuals- those who have been in our lives for almost all of it.  That special relationship.  Anyone can sit shiva, but technically, only those who fit in these categories are required to sit shiva.  Neither myself nor Judaism is saying that we don't mourn other people who die in our lives.

But back to Mayim and saying the Kaddish....

We didn't sit a traditional shiva for my mom.  I'm saddend and disappointed by this decision, which was dicated more by my father and practicalities of work, etc, rather than for our need to mourn.  Judaism gives us these clear guidelines, and if you embrace them, I believe they will help you through.  Even now I wish that I had spent more time living and feeling that deep depression that comes when you loose a parent.

Kaddish is the daily prayer you say to acknowledge your mourning.  In an odd way it's not a sad prayer about loss, but rather an affirming prayer about your believe in G-d. 

Exalted and hallowed be G-d's great name
in the world which G-d created, according to plan.
May G-d's majesty be revealed in the days of our lifetime
and the life of all Israel -- speedily, imminently, to which we say Amen.
Blessed be G-d's great name to all eternity.
Blessed, praised, honored, exalted, extolled, glorified, adored, and lauded
be the name of the Holy Blessed One, beyond all earthly words and songs of blessing,
praise, and comfort. To which we say Amen.
May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and all Israel,
to which we say Amen.
May the One who creates harmony on high, bring peace to us and to all Israel.
To which we say Amen.

 

It's said every day for the first 30 days for anyone who is required to sit Shiva, then for eleven months in the case of parents.  It's said for eleven months because it's believed that you can honor your parent and help raise them up in the eyes of G-d for this time after death.  It's thought that G-d sits in judgement for a year over the wicked, and that by saying the Kaddish for eleven months we acknowledge that our parents couldn't be wicked.

 

Once a parent dies, you enter into a new realm of mourning and loss. Just as the mourner assumes a central position within the prayer community, Kaddish assumes center stage for the mourner. It provides a meaningful, repetitive and concrete activity that focuses the mourner on his or her loss, providing an anchor that grounds the mourning process. 

This is sort of what Mayim was saying. That saying Kaddish represents a moment in time that can be a focus for a mourner.  Having a moment to remember, be sad, feel grief, and be enveloped by those feelings.  It's hard to move forward in life, and sometimes you feel like you are being untrue to the death of a loved one by moving forward.  And it's overwhelming.  Then you get thrown under the waves of grief- saying Kaddish can allow you to sit in the waves for a moment, and just be okay with the loss and the sadness and the movement of the words can become like a foothold to moving forward.

 

I admire her going into an Orthodox temple to say Kaddish.  I've found it to uncomfortable, since this same community believes that I don't 'count' when I say Kaddish anyways...

Someone once told me that there would come a day when I would pick up the phone having forgotten that my mother wasn't going to pick it up when I called her.  And Kaddish helps make sure that doesn't happen.  It gives a moment for me, for all of us mourners, to learn to live with them, without them.

 Me, and my children. My sister and her children, we are the living embodiment of my mother in the world.  And I can only hope that we are doing her justice by carrying on, living her values and teaching them her legacy in this world.

 

 

The BIG Announcement

Well, I think it's time that I shared the big announcement.  Immediate family already knows, so do jobs and schools, etc.

We are moving to Orange County.

Yup, out of the LA/South Bay area, and into the OC.

And while I'm excited, I am, I'm also a little sad.  I've loved having my kids and starting our family here in the South Bay.  It's been a wonderful community for us- both our neighborhood, our friends, and the jewish community that we are a part of.

But here comes the next chapter.

Working Dad got a great brand new job in Aliso Viejo.  And it's great because we both grew up in the OC, and have so much family down there.  Cousins, grandparents, Uncles, Aunts.  They all live down in the OC.  We travel down there almost every weekend, and this puts us even closer to by beloved Sister in Law and her 6 adorable kiddos.

Leaving this area is going to be hard.  One of the things that I've loved about writing this blog has been that it's been a hub of information for the South Bay Jewish community.  We are sort of a bit of a step-child when it comes to the greater Los Angeles community.  It's rare to find any of the JCC's or the Jewish Federation, never mind the PJ Library hosting anything in the South Bay. 

Which is what made it fun for me to connect all the South Bay jews together.  TO get us out there to all the different events.

Well, we're not leaving today, but soon.  I'll keep you posted as we start to explore the Orange County area.

Dear Disneyland

I think it's time that I wrote to you to express my thanks.  I've been extremely impressed with how you've handled yourselves when it comes to dealing with tiny children. As a mother of two, under two, I feel like I'm your target audience.  I've got two girlie girls who want to dress up like princesses, but still want to fight the good fight as a Jedi Knight.  And you've got me covered there.

Each time I've gone into a restroom I've been pleasantly surprised by freestanding changing tables, equipped with extra paper towels, toilet paper, and a trashcan literally inches from where my baby is.  I can throw away a dirty diaper without ever taking my hands off my kiddo, and that's aces.

We've been bringing both kiddos together, which is a lot of work.  However, despite the fact that my littlest is just a tiny tiny, you've managed to have enough for her to enjoy, even from the seat of her Lillebaby carrier.

From parades, to rides, she has a ton of fun.  Even when she's sleeping she can still go on It's a small world, and nursing in the darkness of Pirates is a truly awesome experience.

While you have candy looking at my kiddo at every turn, I've been impressed with the meal selections for the little ones.  While I generally hate on kids meals, you have them including carrots and apple slices, as well as a milk option at every restaurant we've been to, so you get some kudos there as well.  Ample high chairs means we've never been stuck waiting while everyone else is eating.

Then there's the kiddo corner at the end of Main Street.  Since discovering this spot, it's been the talk of the town for my older daughter.  She's potty training, so she loves to insist that we go to the 'her size' potty.  And since it's so centrally located we can walk over in between a ride on the carousel and waiting in line for Dumbo without much fuss.  It's such a cozy space for my nursing baby too- comfy wicker chairs, and those coat hooks for mommies- almost perfect in every way.  The staff is great, it smells nice and seems so clean.  Books and a cute movie in the A/C- perfect on those hot days.

But then we get to Disney's California Adventure- and everything takes a step back.  I'll hand it to you- you were really smart when you decided to put Frozen Fun in DCA.  It meant that a trip to D-land virtually has to include DCA if you really want to 'Let it Go'.  And when it comes to that-you  did it right.

The way you orchestrate the visits with Elsa and Anna- pure genius.  My little girls feel loved, and honored and like they are the most important people in the world in that moment.  Really, they do.

It's just such a shame that you totally screwed it up in terms of amenities.  Let's chat for a moment about the Kids support area in DCA.  It's a mockery of the Disneyland version.  You walk inside and it feels cold, and hollow.  A mishmash of inconsequential furniture, without a care to the love of kids.  No books on the tables, no cozy kids size rocking chair here...

Then we get to the changing table area.  Smell and dirty feeling.  The worst version of a cheap Craigslist changing table I can imagine.  Practically not sturdy enough for my little 7-month old, let alone how I would feel about putting my almost three-year old on it.  Then I need to nurse, and it just gets worse.  Two chairs behind a gross shower curtain.  That curtain the only thing separating me from the kids potties.  

Picture this- me, my baby, and a 3 year old screaming his head off about wanting to try to aim his pee himself.  Don't worry- he can do it!  But me, I just can't.  The smell, the noise- just horrendous.  I feel like I'm nursing in a bathroom.  I'd rather be in the heat then trying to make this work out.  The chairs are the worst version of awful too... whoever bought those must never have been a nursing mother.  Armrests in exactly the most annoying spot possible to make it uncomfortable to hold up a child to the breast.

So, Disneyland- we will keep on coming, and DCA (aka the unloved step-child), I will try hard not to hold it against you.  

Lets hope that at some point you decide that DCA matters too, and spread a little bit of the charm it's way....

Hurry Up: Childhood is leaving

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are hurrying along your children, only to realize that there is absolutely no reason.  You probably know what I'm talking about- the grocery store, the library, all those everyday moments.

When you feel like you have to move move move.  Get it done, get to the next place, and your hurrying the world along. Or at least you are trying to.

Sometimes it's when you are trying to make dinner, and all she wants to do is help you do it.  She wants to stir, or see, or help.  And all you want is to get it done...

These moments- childhood is slipping away.  The teaching moment, the enjoyable moment.  The moments to see her for who she is, and what she's becoming.  Because she's growing up in these moments.  When you are worried about overcooking the sauce, she's learning how she should behave in the kitchen.  She's learning about why you make dinner- for the family, for her father...for an obligation?

I'm constantly amazed at how much she grasps, changes and grows each and everyday.  How she learns to communicate, share and become the girl she is growing up to be.

I want her to be strong, proud, and eager.  I want her to take life by the hands and giggle.  I don't want to tell her not to get dirty before dinner- I want her to explore the world, and not worry about the laundry.  But it's hard.

It's oh so hard....

They are moving faster than the speed of light it seems.  Just yesterday I would swear that Ocho was born, and yet here she is, moving, growing, learning, reacting.  Here they both are, becoming the sisters I've always wanted them to be.  Kind, thoughtful, imaginative.  Turning towards each other for fun, games, and frivolity.  But also when things are hard.  Caring, growing, concerned.  Helping each other through the rough times that can happen in life.

How do they learn these things?  It's those moments when I'm trying to hurry up.  When we need to get dressed to get out of the house- when I would rather be by myself than reading her another story (or the same one for the 15th time).  When it seems easiest just to cut my losses and run.  They are learning.  How to treat each other, how to deal with set-backs.  How to be who they will be.

And though it seems impossible, each moment is one we can't get back.  Each moment they get one step closer to adults and further away from children. Ocho is closer to being one than she is to being born.  And it's amazing.

It's watching her remember something for the first time.  It's seeing her light-up at the sight of her daddy or her sister. It's helping her understand that just because I'm not with her, I still love her, I'm still with her in her heart.

It's teaching them both that they can't take back these moments.  It's helping them see the beauty and the grace in everyday obligations.  Helping them see that childhood is leaving, so we better hurry up and enjoy the moment.

All photos the work of Laura Layera, Luluphoto.

Divide and Conquer

I'd written this entire post about how we've dealt with having two children.  How we've sort of ended up with a makeshift 'divide and conquer' strategy, rather than the previous 'we are one' strategy that we used to have.  I was going to say that I think it's terrible, and it makes me sad.  But with Working Dad being sick tonight, I'm feeling the pain of not having my right hand man doing his part.

There are so many moments when we are parenting when we are focused on our children.  Which, of course, as parents are almost all consuming.  Especially the parents of an 'I still eat at night and need to be held because I can't walk' 7 month old baby.  And though Working Dad and I do a decent job of date nights (speaking of which, the Growing Garden Gala event is this Saturday night, which is an AWESOME kosher date night if you are interested) and a decent job of trying to connect, but sometimes it feels like we haven't had any sort of real connection for days.

It's a hard thing to think about- because I fundamentally believe that the basis of good parenting is a good relationship between the two people who created the child.  While I realize that's not always possible, I feel like my first obligation is to the man I married, not to the children we created.  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

Tonight, I'm sitting here alone since Working Dad has another cold.  We just can't seem to keep healthy this season.  But sitting here alone isn't the sad part. It's looking around the kitchen and realizing all the little things that he usually does at night.  Put away Ochos' bathtub, clean the bumbo seat.  Take out the trash and clean up my mess from making dinner.  He's the other half of my entire equation.

So, I think I've changed my mind about 'divide and conquer.'  Sometimes it takes two to tango...or keep a house with two kids running with gas.

Organizing Photos for Keeps

I've posted about Project Life before, but I wanted to write about it again, to help ensure that your children don't end up with what I have in my garage...a large pile of pictures without context or thought.

Yup- those are adorable pictures of me as a youngin... Unfortunately, they have no rhyme or reason to them.  Collected for years in one drawer, or box- one place or another.

Do you have to use Project Life to display or organize your photos...no, but I do think it's easy and totally worth it.  But lets take a step back.  Let's look at how you get those photos off of your phones, off of your computers and make them accessible to anyone.

The first step to printing and organizing photos- to having your children's life made accessible to them and others is to download monthly and organize digitally.  My recommendation is to start here.

Step 1: Make a folder on your computer- label it this year 2015

Step 2: Inside that folder make a 01-2015 folder.

Step 3: Download all the photos into that folder the first week of February.

Step 4: Repeat steps 2-3 on March 1st, and do on through the year.

It's that simple.  Knowing when a photo was taken will dramatically improve your ability to know what was going on, and to have recall about the event.  I know it seems strange, but this is especially true about those little moments.  When did the baby first sit-up?  Crawl?  Walk?  Knowing what month these events happened in can really make the difference between being able to write about your child or not.

Want to take it a step farther?  Inside of the monthly folders include additional folders with the events labeled.  Like "Family Picnic to Alondra Park- Date" or "Wedding of Greg and Rachel- May 4th".  That way you have the basics, and the photos can provide the details.

What we do in our family is put all our photos onto an external hard drive.  This makes it easy to take with us to friends or family- to give them their photos, as well as to grab in case of a fire. As much as I love my Project Life albums (and I do!) they are a bit heavy.  By grabbing the hard drive I ensure that we get all the photos and everything out of the house.

Still think its too much? 

I think one of the best things we can give to our children is their own memories.  My sister's memories are strong, but mine are not.  This way I can help make sure that both EG and Ocho have not only their memories, but the images that go along with them.  That they can look through them and see the people we've lost, and remember.

A culture of Truth

I've reached a point in my life where I am sick of the limitations of social etiquette.  I've become exhausted of people 'saving face' by not telling the truth.

Has this happened to you?  It feels like it happens to me almost daily.  Let's see, this week alone I didn't tell at least 5 people the truth about what I thought or felt about the situation. And we're not talking about distant friends, or inconsequential acquaintances.  We're talking about immediate family, close relatives, what are supposed to be 'best friends.'

We went and saw the last Hobbit movie this week, and there's a moment in the movie when Bilbo Baggins tells Thorin Oakenshield that he's being an idiot.  That he's taken the most important thing to Thorin and given it away to someone else.  Because Thorin was going back on his word. 

It seems like everyone's 'word' is becoming less and less valuable.  That we've reached a point in the world where the truth, and honor and commitment aren't very valuable.

When you go to a therapist to seek the truth because those closest to you no longer tell it to you straight.  When they sit by and watch you make horrible mistakes, disregard others emotions and feelings, and just plain do dumb things.  Rather than stand-up, say what's uncomfortable and lay it all out on the table.

I wish I could just spill the beans right here.  Tell all those people the truths' I didn't say. 

Do you tell the truth, or do you skate by on politeness? 

Maybe, if we committed ourselves to being open and honest it would mean a lot more when we say we care.  When we share our 'I Love You's.'  When we realize how much it means to us to be moving in the right direction.

Transformative Experiences

I was driving in the car last night on the way home from Disneyland.  It was a great day with my cousin, who recently lost his wife.  We had a lot of fun, and his 9-year old daughter was amazing with EG.  But I digress... I was driving home and I heard this song on the radio:



I couldn't help but turn it up and start singing along.  Imagine my surprise when there are tears flowing down my eyes, and I'm thinking about my mom, my family, my marriage- the little girl asleep in the seat behind me. 

"Then it hit me like a lightning late one night
I was all out of hope and all out of fight
Couldn't fight back the tears so I fell on my knees
Saying, "God, if you're there come and rescue me."
Felt love pouring down from above"


The moment it ended though, I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit guilty. Now, please don't misunderstand me- especially if you are a devout Christian.  I don't mean that what you believe in isn't true, I only mean to say that I don't believe it the same way you do. 

It's strange that a song about- I don't know- baptism, conversion, christening?  would affect me so deeply when I fundamentally believe that there is more to conversion than just a single action and a thought.  I don't believe that saying you believe in something makes it so.  I appreciate that Judaism has a formal conversion process, and that it can be a bit daunting.  I felt guilty because here is a song about an aspect of G-d I don't believe in, yet here are the tears flowing down my eyes.

I can, however, say that I believe in the transformative power of different experiences.  I hope you know what I'm talking about. Those moments when you feel touched by G-d.  When something makes sense, or touches you so profoundly that everything inside of you is changed.  That's what touches me about this song....

Most recently it was seeing my Mother's dead body.  In Jewish funerals you don't look upon the dead, however, it's not only necessary according to law, but also traditional for the close family to see their dearly departed before burial.  For me that was the moment I really realized my mother wasn't here on earth anymore.  I've always believed we had a soul, but knowing my mom, and seeing her body without her spirit, her soul there- I finally realized that it wasn't her.  That she wasn't here anymore.  The immensity of realizing that there is something after death in such a literal way.  Of knowing in my soul that my mother wasn't here on earth, and at the same moment knowing that she was somewhere else- with G-d.

Before that it was a profoundly transformative experience to give birth to Ocho.  You would have thought that the transformative birth would have been EG's, since she literally transformed me from a woman to a mother, but her birth wasn't really like that.  Giving birth to Ocho was possibly the best moment of my life so far.  It was difficult, scary, harrowing. It was pain and screaming and doubt.  But I overcame.  We overcame together.  And when she came into this world her birth was like an amazing moment of serenity.  A transformative experience.  Meeting G-d in the birth of my daughter.

Before that I would have to say I've had one other transformative experience.  And this one is linked not only to the song, but also to a tenant of Judaism- the Mikvah.  For those of you who don't know a mikvah is a natural body of water that a woman immerses herself in after she has had her cycle.  She has to be clean for so many days, then she goes and she changes.  There's a lot more to it, but traditionally a woman would go before she gets married for the first time.  I did that before marrying Working Dad and I remember walking out of that water and feeling so peaceful.  So ready to be his wife.  So ready to take on the responsibility of a family of my own, of creating something new.  Of joining back together with my besheret.  So calm and confident. 

A woman is only obligated to do three mitzvot in the Torah.  Lots of people say this makes Judaism as an Orthodox Jew negative to women, but we can get into all of that later.  What our sages teach us is that when a woman fulfills one of the mitzvot (Challah, candles and the mikvah) she is ultimately closer to G-d than anyone else. That he is listening to her in an intense way.  I felt exactly like that in the mikvah.  As Carrie says, there must have been something in the water.  Because in those moments it felt like there was nothing between me and G-d.  Me and everything I could possibly be in this world.  Everything that's out there in front of me- my whole future in front of my eyes.  The whole world.

Have you had a transformative experience?  Do you feel like you've met G-d?

A wonderful Woman was she

This weekend was my Mom's birthday.  Yup, her real birthday.  Not the fake one she had been peddling around to everyone, but the actual legit one that she was born on.  She thought her birthday was to close to Christmas, so when she became an adult, she moved it.  Didn't know you could do that, did you?

Of course, she still got mad at us when we didn't call her on her real birthday.  And her fake birthday.  A no-win situation.

I've been thinking a lot of my mom's path in life.  What led her to be where she was 66.5 years later.  Who could have known when this photo was taken where she would end up- how far away from this place.

Her sister lives in their parents house- my mom, however, she forged a very different path.  In Belgium, traveling the Caribbean.   Marrying my father and becoming a mother to two daughters.  At one point in time she was exactly where I am now.  Two little ones running around at home, doing her best to get through.

I think about her choices.  Those I want to repeat, those I don't.  The things she taught me about being a mother, being a woman, being a friend.

As a mother she taught me to love, unconditionally.  To share that love in hugs and kisses and touches.  Anyone who met my mom was likely greeted by a hug.  She taught me to show my support at soccer games, at dance class, in Hebrew school.  She also taught me that I wanted my home to be open.  Even a week or two before she passed it was a lot of stress on her to have even me and EG visit without forewarning- my home has become an open space, everyone is welcome at anytime.

As a woman she burned bras and saw her contributions affecting the whole world.  She took me to volunteer in women's shelters, packing boxes for the homeless.  She saw herself as a teacher of me and my sister, and a wonderful teacher she was.  As she grew older, however, she struggled with what it had meant to be a homemaker.  How she never got to 'retire' from the job she had of doing dishes, washing laundry, etc. 

As a friend she was a joy.  She was always in your corner.  Steering you and guiding you and helping you through the difficult.  She was definitely my friend, not just my mother. And that's something I'm so happy about- that we could about everything...and we did.

I miss her terribly. Visiting her today was difficult, but also healing in some way.  I can't wait until I figure out how to talk to her.  How to forgive her for not taking better care of herself. For leaving me and my girls alone.  I know she didn't want to, but it's hard.

I love you mom.

Confessions:

This past Friday we attended the Jeans and Jammies event at Congregation Ner Tamid.  It's a great event, and I'll write a little more about Ner Tamid and my impressions later this week.  Right now I want to make a few confessions...

1. I had no idea some Jews died in France.  Yup, no idea about who Charlie was, what happened to him, let alone that Charlie wasn't really a him at all.  I'm so intensely disconnected from the wider world and the news that I had no idea what happened.  I'm horrified by it, but even after learning about it, I have to admit my disconnection.  I've never been one to feel to deeply about world wide hurt.  It definitely didn't entice me to eat my dinner to imagine starving children in africa....

2.  I used my phone in Temple during the Rabbi's sermon.  Yup.  I pulled it out, and googled france, charlie, death, and Jews.  He kept talking about what our response should be, and how we need to understand, and how sad it was that everyone is talking about Charlie, but a few years ago more terrorist acts happened and the world paid little notice.  I felt like I needed to be in the know, so I googled it.  During services.

I'm sort of appalled at myself for my lack of awareness, that I can't help but be so self-centered, or at least LA/CA/USA centered. That these major events didn't even register on my radar.  Even more than that, I'm also amazed at how quickly my phone has become a major fixture in my life.

Not to long away we had some guests over for dinner. I was amazed that it seemed that when they weren't interacting with their children, they were interacting with their phones.  I'm always so disappointed when my friends ignore the world in favor of the digital.  And there I was, in the house of G-d no less, on Shabbat, clicking away.  Not exactly the spirit of the Torah is it.

One step at a time, right...

Any confessions you want to share?

oh poop....

Yup, that's right.  This is a conversation about poop.  I'm sure that most of you want to stop reading right now.  Don't worry, I won't be showing you any poop- or at least not any already cleaned-up poop...

Our darling little Ocho spent most of our time in Tahoe pooping.  Yup, pooping.  I'm sure you are thinking to yourself, could it really have been that bad.  I mean, could she have pooped so much more than normal that it seems significant to write about.  Everyone poops you know.

And yes, Ocho poops too.  This Tahoe trip will probably not make it into her top 5 poopy moments, especially when we already had this moment:

Yes, she's wearing a yellow shirt.  But yes, that's poop all up her back.  No, she didn't wake up.

This past week in Tahoe we experienced not one or two, but 7 blow-outs.  This is why we usually use cloth diapers.  They keep in the poop, because they aren't designed to soak things up, rather to hold them in.  But anyways, back to the story.

When we got home, I had so many items that were stained with poop by Ocho.  The only saving grace is that at least it's easy to clean.  Which leads us to this image of my front stoop this morning.  This is the site that greeted the mailman.  And yes, I'm aware that Working Dad would be none to pleased that I'm airing our dirty laundry...literally.

Yup- poopy diapers and clothing on the stoop.  It's incredible to imagine what I would be doing without a dryer.  But a few hours (sometimes minutes) in the sunshine and all the stains go away.  So easy.

How do you deal with poop?  Any good thoughts for non-baby stains?  EG is a master of the messy eating plus potty training is heading our way.

Happy New Year

I wish that this was a happier post, but my Mom's birthday is coming up next weekend.  She would have been 67 (and mortified at me for telling you all that...). 

I've been trying to make our holiday card for this year, and it's been a bit rough.  All of them are so happy and gay.  The cheer just makes me sad.  That's not to say that I'm not happy it's 2015.  I'm hopeful that 2015 will be a better year than 2014.  Which is sad because 2014 brought us Ocho.

But it was an overall rough year.  From the moment we entered 2014 it was difficult.  Ocho's pregnancy was very difficult emotionally for me and our family.  While her delivery was wonderful, it was only the halfway mark of the year.  Unfortunately for us, the rest of the year went downhill fairly fast, losing my mother and one of my first cousins.

We decided a long time ago that we wouldn't send 'holiday' cards.  Not only is there to much stress around the holidays, but with family celebrating on both sides, it was important not to leave anyone out.

I've always considered it perfectly fine to send cards wishing people a Merry Christmas if you are Christian.  Somehow, however, it's always seemed better to me to wish people good wishes on a holiday no one doesn't celebrate. 

Do you send New Year's cards?  Are you feeling the 'joy and cheer' of the New Year...?