Moving Home

It's finally happened.  We've moved our family into the new house. Despite the workmen still coming in and out daily, it is beginning to feel like home.  Sitting on our couch by the fireplace.  Putting Ocho to bed in her wooden crib rather than a pack n play.  Putting our Ketubah on the wall and our mezuzah on the doorpost.

There have been so many emotions in moving to a new place.  Boxes everywhere, tears were shed. On the way over to the new house EG told my in-laws that she wasn't going to sleep there.  That she was going home to Grandpa's house.

It's always tough to transition the family into a new place, so here are a few tips for doing it with kiddos:

1. Prioritize their spaces.  I know this seems a bit counter intuitive, but the reality is that you can unpack the kitchen while the children sleep, but you can't put away their toys in their rooms.  The faster they feel safe, secure and home the better off everyone will be.  It also helps to let them explore where toys are, clothing, and all the things they may have missed during the move.

2. Think about windows, doors and lights.  There's nothing worse then getting out of the shower after washing off all the moving dirt to suddenly realize that the whole neighborhood can see you in your towel.  It seems obvious, but children are exceptionally sensitive to light and are so quick on the pick-up.  They might open the door you never thought they would.  The last thing you need is your 3 year old opening the front door while you think they are safe inside the house.  Trust me...

3. Do it all at once.  Just like ripping off a band-aid and moving to a toddler bed it's best to just do it all at once.  There won't be that many days of transition and the faster you establish the 'new normal' the better off you are.  It can be tempting to try some sort of easing into it, whether letting Ocho sleep in the pack n' play, or letting everyone play at the new house then return to the old to sleep.  It just confuses things and prolongs the adjustment period.

4. Set up Standards.  One of the hardest things with moving is figureing out where everything should go.  As an adult it's okay to think that you can put something somewhere then move it.  But for kiddos that's so much harder.  We have totally lost that battle on the shoes.  We didn't have the support we needed to put together our shoe cabinet until just last night, so everyone has just started throwing shoes on the floor by the door.  Can we change it? Yes, but it will take time and diligence.  Plus a rug by the the garage door..
.

5. Do something nice for yourself.  Something to make your home yours.  Putting up the mezuzahs was ours, but also commanded.  This door hanger, however, makes the house feel like a home.  It was a gift from Working Dad's brother and his wife.  And we love it.  It makes our house chime with happiness whenever you open the door.  It's your home... do your thing!

Five tips I'm taking from staging

When we got our house ready to sell we had to get things in order.  That meant clearing out the clutter and really trying to scale back.  In some ways it was bad (I really miss the kids playspace) but in lots of other ways it's been really good.

Here are 5 things I'll continue to do when we finally find our next house...

1. Keep cooking things off the counter. 

This isn't my counter top, (thanks gcmenezes) but it might as well have been.  We kept olive oil, salt, pepper, random spices, vinegar, etc. all on the countertop right next to the stove.  So when we were getting ready to sell all those things had to move up to to the shelf above.

This is my kitchen:

Enter the bright and sparkly, and not cluttered, countertop.  See those hanging shelves down from the upper cabinet?  Those were where my spices are.  Despite these clever storage units there was still a TON of stuff where those flowers are.  Needless to say, my realtor was not a fan- she made me clean it up.  I thought it would really drive me nuts, but it dosen't.  I just put everything in that cabinet above the countertop and put it away when I'm done.  It means a nicer workspace for all of us.

2. Put it away, immediately

I know we've heard this before, but living in a house where at any moment you could get a call from your realtor about someone wanting to stop by really drives the message home.  I wouldn't wish that stress on anyone, but it really puts it in perspective about how the little things (like really finishing a project, or only doing the things you really have time for) can impact your feelings about the house.  With things neat and tidy I had more time to spend scrapbooking, and making messes that I knew

3. Get rid of it.

A huge piece to staging is clearing out the clutter.  From piles of papers to anything else.  It's totally liberating to realize how little stuff you need.  Yes, there are things that I was missing in my life, but honestly, those things are fewer than I thought they might be.  There are tons of things that we just don't need but we own anyways.  And no, I'm not talking about Halloween decor or Maternity clothes, I'm talking about the 6 different random coffee mugs, or the cards from college that you really don't need to be hanging on to.  When you are packing, and prepping the house for sale you realize all the things you just don't need.

4. Toy Rotation/Less Toys

I've always been a fan of this idea, but it wasn't until my kiddos were living with less than a quarter of their toys, both at home most days, and still doing totally fine that I realized my kids are inundated with toys.  We had a whole playspace full of them, in addition to whats here in these photos, and they don't really miss a them almost ever.  Sure there are items they do miss (guitar anyone...?) but over the long haul it's been totally fine.  Paper, a few crayons, playdough and bubbles have kept us happy since EG stopped school in mid-June.

5. Mementos and photos make a house a home

This has been the easiest lesson to learn.  Without the things that make us who we are, it's a sad place to be in.  A house is more than a house- it's a home to you and your stuff.They moved a lot of our photos, and living without touching anything makes it a really stressful way to live.  So bake that bread, hang up that photo, and enjoy living in your home.

Rambam on Marraige

When we think about parenting, we don't always think about marriage.  But I believe that at the core of every new human being are the two people who created that life.  Does it always have to be that way, absolutely not.  Sometimes it's just not to be that the people who created life will raise up that child.  But I still think that one of the most important things that we can do for our children is prioritize our marriages.

It's interesting to me, because one of the core beliefs in Judaism is that it's critical to have children (the first of the 613 mitzvot: Be fruitful and multiply) but, as we all know, first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

After I shared last week about how difficult it's been to be a solo parent I don't think I gave enough voice to how hard it is to be without your spouse.  I got married because I wanted to be with my husband.  To form a bond with him of the highest sense- to fuse our souls together as one.  But it's not always easy.

Rambam gives us some interesting thoughts on marriage:

Our Sages commanded that a man honor his wife more than his own person, and love her as he loves his own person. If he has financial resources, he should offer her benefits in accordance with his resources. He should not cast a superfluous measure of fear over her. He should talk with her gently, being neither sad nor angry.

 

And similarly, they commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy.

 (Mishneh Torah, Ishut Chapter15)

Now, these phrases are caught up in  a lot of text about having babies, getting divorced, and letting your husband have his way with you, but I think these portions have a place in everyone's life. 

It can often seem a burden to relate to your spouse in the best way possible. To give them the respect you know they deserve, because you also know that their job is to love you anyways. That you have been nice to the gardener, the mail man, the grocer, the co-worker and your boss today and you don't have any niceness in you left for your kids let alone for your husband. 

But then we remember Shalom Bayit (peace in the home) and we remember that we alone can change our fate.  We are in charge of our own actions and our own happiness.  I can choose to see the glass half empty or half full.  Heck, I can just add more water!

It's giving our spouses respect that can add water to the well. 

My mom used to tell me about the Well of Goodwill that each person has for another.  Ironically your well of goodwill is most full with an absolute stranger you see on the street.  You've just drilled a new hole in the ground for them and they've yet to do anything to take the water out.  With your spouses, however, your well is a constantly shifting experience. 

Today he brought you flowers and added some water.  But later he left his dirty socks on the clean laundry and dropped that bucket of water all over the floor. 

If we think of filling our well by showing respect to our spouses we need not worry about love.  Through our respectful actions, thoughts and care we will inherently add both water in our well and love in our hearts.

Rambam gives us a foundation for understanding that love is not the end all be all of a relationship.  We all know that there are moments in our lives when we don't feel love at all- we feel disappointment, anger, resentment and a whole host of other feelings.  But honor and respect are more than just feelings- they are actions.  They are the way we honestly and truly love our spouse for them self.

What is love at it's base?  A feeling that I have for you.  It has nothing to do with you.  How often have we seen people in love with someone who doesn't feel the same for them?  My classic example right now is Sheldon and Amy from the Big Bang Theory.  She loves him, but he barely thinks about his emotions at all.  When I love you I'm feeling something inside of me, not really something about you.

But honor and respect are ways that I interact with valuing you.  They show you that I care about you on a deeper and more fundamental level than my self-love. 

Beyond respect and honor Rambam gives us some truth about me being from Mars and Women from Venus.  He clearly tells us that a woman wants to be shown her love through actions (accordance to his means) and words (talk with her gently).  She wants to think that she is the most important thing in the world (honor her more, love him as himself)

While a man needs to be shown his respect by being seen as competent and capable of making decisions (according to his directives) and that he needs to be validated in her world (shun everything he disdains). 

While Working Dad and are in this separation and in this melting pot of stress and trouble I can see only to clearly how much Rambam knows.  I am constantly telling him that I want him to prioritize us over the weekends, that I want to see his love and hear his thoughts.  He is constantly feeling like he has to make all these decisions and be on top of everything for fear that it might all fall apart.

But if we can find a way to come back to the beginning.  Back to the respect we all deserve then our marriage's foundation will go from fragile sand to hard cement.  If we can think with our minds not that the well is full or empty, but that we can constantly be adding water to it then I know we will all be alright.

An Ode to Military Mamas

These past few months have been some of the hardest of my life.  I didn't think that things could get much more difficult after having a newborn and having my Mom die out of the blue.  But I was wrong.  While all of that was happening at least I had Working Dad at home to cry to and fight with.  Now it's just me and the kiddos.

I've talked about this solo parenting thing before, but I just can't believe how hard it is. 

For me the hardest part is that I'm not a single parent.  I know that seems strange, it's not that I want to be a single parent, but having him flit in and out of our lives like this makes it just so so hard.  Now, Working Dad, please don't read/read to much into this, it's not that you are doing something wrong, it's just the way life is.

Which brings me to some of my new heroes.  The mamas (and some Daddys) who stay at home while their counterpart is off in the military.  Case in point- my wonderful cousin with her hubbie and two kiddos. 

She did the whole after birth thing/raising her daughter without Daddy for months after she was born.  But she wasn't actually alone.  Her wonderful husband has always been a part of their daughter life.  Phone calls, e-mails, etc. Breaks and time away to be at home, etc.  But while he's a parent (and a damn good one at that) he's not there everyday.  Everyday it's mommy and babies and Daddy as a far off figure.

This is what makes it so hard and amazing.  That these women are constantly helping their children understand that Daddy loves them, and is doing his job somewhere else.  That he's not with them, but that's not what matters.  They deal with the emotions of Dad's to short visits, and phone calls. They deal with breakfast and bed time and everything in between.  And I am in awe of them.


They are sacrificing for me.  For my children.  For our family and all the families in America.  They are taking on the burden of solo parenting for the sake of our safety.  They guide their children through life and battle those difficult moments for the safety of America.

Even when Daddy comes home they are at the whim of something bigger than them.  Transfers and orders and things they just can't pick and choose about.  At least I made this choice all on my own. And I can change it in an instant.

We're doing it for Working Dad's new job.  Had I known exactly what I was getting into, I might have chosen differently.

But my cousin- she is truly the hero.  Everyday raising her wonderful and gorgeous babies.  Thank you to you and your Husband for making us safe in our beds at night.  For giving me vision to see that I can do this.  That I get to talk to my hubbie each night and that the few times I was in tears and overwhelmed he just got in his car and showed up on my doorstep an hour later.  She didn't have that option.  She, and they, are amazing.

A Shabbat Home : Home for Shabbat

As we've been packing, moving, having the new owners come in to take measurements, inspections, etc. it's seemed like our home has become less and less ours, and more and more just a place to stay.

As I walk through my beautiful living room and into my kitchen I don't feel the warmth of my household- I see the debris of a life half boxed away.  Despite the warm onion soup on the stove, despite the clean bibs hanging from the handles, despite the cup of milk drunk by my daughter on her way out the door this morning.

It's in this home, or not home, if you will, that I'm struggling to make a Shabbat worth having.  We don't have to many Friday's to spend here in this home, and despite it's lack of homeyness, I'm going to try.  So I give to you my tried and true tips for making a home ready for Shabbat.

1. Tidy Tidy Tidy.  The best thing about Shabbat is that cleaning is off the table, and if you are anything like me it's barely on the table on a given Tuesday, let alone among the craziness and hecticness of a move.  But tidying is much easier.  Clean off those surfaces, put away all the laundry, and ensure that all the shoes go back where they need to.  Put toys in the kiddos' bedrooms, and then it will feel clean, even if the spilled onion soup is still on the floor.

2. 7 minute Rooms.  I realize this is sort of funny, but I have a 7 minute bedroom policy.  I walk through the house with my small supply of cleaning (broom, dustpan, windex, general household spray, sponge, and paper towels) and set my timer for 7 minutes.  This also includes any tidying for these rooms as well.  That way I know I've spent some time in each room making it a little bit nicer.  I make the beds, I put take away things that don't belong, and believe me even though it doesn't seem like a lot of time if you really invest in it, it's totally enough.

3. The Shabbat Table.  I have some linens and napkins, etc. that we only take out for Shabbat.  When everything else feels crazy if the table is set and looks nice then at least the place where you spend the most of your time will feel like a wonderful respite from the week.  Regardless of the rest of the house, a nice Shabbat table can set you worlds apart for the evening.

4. Plan some conversation.  One of the nice things about Shabbat is that it's away from the drudgery of the everyday.  We are so so very stressed in our lives, all of us are.  In our family right now the move, the logistics, the new house, all of it are eating away at the fabric of our family.  So I like to plan a few conversation starters that might lead us away from the drudgery and into the light.  I always start with reading the torah portion for the week.  Sometimes I click over to cnn.com to read a few headlines.  It's nice to get away from the usual work/chores/daily life conversations.

5. Just enjoy!  The best thing we can do on Shabbat is to give ourselves a little rest, peace and be a bit nicer.  To ourselves, our husbands, our children, our kitties...  Sometimes we put to much pressure on ourselves, and we have to remember that Shabbat is a gift.  A gift of time to spend relaxing, enjoying, pausing to reflect on our wonderful life.  Even if there are shoes and toys everywhere.  Even if you're serving shrimp.  Even if the table is covered with sticky fingerprints made of strawberry jelly.

Shabbat Shalom!

MIA: Sorry

So in the past week since I've last posted we've had Shavuot, Yitzkor, Memorial Day, Society for Creative Anachronism war, and we've sold our house.

Yup, you read that right, we've sold our house.  That's what's been keeping us up at night.  Our home is officially in escrow, and we leave the lovely and amazing South Bay at the end of June.

No turning back now.

You may think that we've got it all worked out.  That we are ready to rock and roll and pack and move.  And that would be awesome....

Except we aren't.  We haven't gotten a place to move into.  We were thinking about moving in with my dad, but a trial run of us being there resulted in one kiddo waking the other continuously throughout the night and my cat deciding to viciously pee all over the place.  Did I mention that EG also decided it would be a good time to stop being potty trained and she pooped all over herself and her bed?  Did I also mention my dad just got new carpet in the whole house...?  Lovely...

So we are figuring it out.  And I'm trying hard not to freak out to much....

Winner Winner, Easy Dinner

With the house going on the market any day now, it's been a challenge to keep things 'open house worthy' all the time.  One of the biggest challenges is making dinner.  While I wouldn't invite someone into my home during/around dinnertime, using the stovetop sure can make a mess.  And I'm totally not in the mood to scrub my stovetop every single night in order to make it look tip top for buyers.

Enter the Crockpot.

While I usually use my crockpot at least once a week, I've been turning to it more regularly than ever.  It's a one-pot meal.  No worries about much food prep/cooking.  You throw everything in, turn it on, and let it go.

I've still been doing it during the day, but just as easily I could fill it up and turn it on overnight while we're all asleep.  Then I just need to reheat whatever I've cooked.  And since crockpot meals are already sort of cooked to death, there's no problem in reheating them...

So, here's my latest Crockpot meal:

Sweet Potato Quinoa Chicken chili

Ingredients

• 1 or 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts
• 1 cup quinoa (I used multicolored)
• 2 large sweet potatoes, peeled and chopped into cubes
• 1 small onion diced
• 1 can black beans
• 1 can petite diced tomatoes
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 1 Tbsp chili powder
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
• ½ tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp salt
• ¼ tsp (approximately) freshly ground pepper
• 5 cups chicken broth

Instructions

1. Spray the slow cooker with nonstick spray. This seems unnecessary, but I really recommend it, since this is a tomato based recipe.
2. Put chicken in the bottom of the slow cooker, top with diced onions, and chopped sweet potatoes
3. Rinse and drain quinoa, then add to slow cooker
4. Drain and rinse the black beans and add those in. Add in the undrained petite diced tomatoes, minced garlic, chili seasoning mix, and chicken broth.
5. Place on high for 3-5 hours (It took 4 hours on high for my crockpot.)
6. Using two forks, shred the chicken and stir all the ingredients together.
7. Add salt and pepper and if desired fresh parsley.
8. Serve immediately.

This recipe is so great for everyone.  It's easy to make vegetarian by using veggie broth and omitting the chicken.  I served this to a vegetarian friend who doesn't mind things cooked with chicken by serving her portion before I shredded the chicken.

It's great for babies, and Ocho really enjoyed it.  Quinoa is good for babies at about 8 months old, but it's also a very non-allergenic food, so there aren't to many worries. Black beans and sweet potatoes are great for babies too.  Lots of people worry about the spices, but there's a difference between highly spiced food and spicy food. This is highly spiced, but not spicy (unless you up the cayenne!).

EG loved it too, and requested seconds and thirds!

Here's to an easy peasy meal that takes no more than a chopped sweet potato and a chopped onion!

A house- not a home

When we decided to move, our realtor (who is really great) convinced us we needed to stage our home.  I always knew that we would have to declutter, remove some furniture (who are we kidding, we've always had to much furniture), and simplify our lives.

With Working Dad already living full time in Orange County, and me living their almost as much, packing a lot of the stuff we don't use/need daily made a lot of sense.  That way I wouldn't be stuck doing it all alone during the weeks during a rush of time before we need to vacate our sold house.

I never realized how difficult it would be psychologically.  As well as how difficult it would be with a tiny 9-month old who is totally crawling and beginning to stand-up to walk. 

I've worked hard to make my house totally kiddo friendly.  I made the entire front living room a playspace for the kids.  Most people look at this and think we're crazy, but it was a great way for the kids to play while I was in eye view but doing things. 

Add to that the incredible number of projects I'm always working on: Scrapbooking/Project Life, sewing quilts, baby cross stitch, fixing diapers, etc. and it's so difficult to keep it all tidy and clean.

We're at this point where the house isn't really ours.  Where we've gotten rid of so many of the things that makes our house comfortable.  Where I'm nervous to let my children play and enjoy themselves because who knows what might happen to them. 

By by playspace.  Hello dining room.  Also known as by by sanity, safety and roaming around for my poor little Ocho. 

They say that staging a home makes it sell faster, and for a higher dollar amount then not doing it.  I'm hopeful that it's true.  Because I can't wait to feel like I have my house back, and I really can't wait until I don't have this house any longer...

Have you moved with Kiddos?  Thoughts on staging the house?  How do you keep it clean to let people see it? What about naps?  The questions are endless....

This Mamma thing ain't no picnic

I'm a solo parent right now.  Since we've announced that we are moving to the OC area, the part I didn't say was that Working Dad has already started his new job.  He's been there for a week or so, and I've been up here, trying to get the house sold, and ready to move down there. 

We can move down there anytime, but getting everything sorted and moved and packed and the house ready to put on the market isn't a picnic.

Neither is being a 100% on parent all the time.  I can't believe how an actual single parent would do it. 

I'm calling myself a solo parent for the time being.  I'm not a single mom, but being solo with the kids isn't easy.  There's no one else to take one of them away for a moment.  Forget about feeding Ocho without EG begging for attention. 

But it's also fun too.  I make all the decisions, I hold all the cards.  I never have to worry that there is someone else I need to pay attention to beyond the children, nor do I worry that someone else will have a different idea about whether she can eat more candy or not.  If I say no, it's a NO.  That's all there is to it. 

It's been complicated for the kiddos to bee without their dad for the weeknights, so I've tried hard to keep them in the loop. Here are some tips for how to help the kids understand when one parent is away.

1.  Make sure you explain what's happening.  For us that started a few weeks ago when we knew that he had accepted the new job and had a started date.  Explaining that Daddy has a new job, and that he'll need to go and start working it before we get to be in the same place was confusing, but starting early gave EG plenty of time to understand, process , and ask lots of questions.

2. Give a specific timeline.  It's important for the kids to understand when Daddy will be home.  We explained in detail leading up to the week, then the day he was going to go kept repeating that he would be home for Shabbat on Friday.  This is also a tricky one because you never want to say they will be home before they are.  It's better that they arrive early than late.  Late ruins your credibility and makes it hard for them to trust what you are saying next time.  Relate it to something they now about, like a holiday, or a class they take.  It can be hard for a child to understand that daddy will be back in 5 days. 

3.  Lots of phone calls.  We send Daddy a picture via text message, and call him every night to say goodnight.  Usually this is two calls, one for Ocho and one for EG, since getting them to bed, bath etc at the exact same time is quite a challenge by myself.  Especially given that Ocho can range in her bed times by 45minutes for so.  If you can't call, then leave a voice mail or write a note each day.  Its important for the child to understand that Daddy still wants to know about them and their day even though they aren't' here.

4.  Agree to let some things go.  The hard part when the parent returns, especially when they are going to go away again is that the reactions range from the child being over the moon and never wanting them to go, to wanting Mommy only because daddy leaves them.  You have to be willing to let it go, not take it personally and accept whatever your child brings to the table at the moment.

5. Remember that it is temporary.  It's important for your child to understand that this situation is temporary.  That you have a goal to be together as a family, and that once this part of daddy's job is over, you will be.  This a is good thing to remember for yourself too!