It only seems fitting to wish everyone a L'Shana Tovah. Because that's what you do on erev Rosh Hashana. But to be honest, I'm not really feeling it.
I never realized how much I relied on my mom. That I called her so often. That she was my sounding board for anything and everything. That she was my best friend. It didn't really matter what it was, she was there for me.
I remember having serious doubts about being pregnant with EG. Yes, we had planned it, but when it finally happened I was terrified. She was there for me.
My pregnancy with the Ocho was really tough, and I remember needing her comfort, the sound of her voice, her words of wisdom and guidance.
I remember her taking me to soccer, to SAT prep classes. I remember her shopping for my wedding dress with me- the first dress I think we ever shopped for together.
I wake up in the middle of the night, missing her. My daughter tells me she loves her mommy, and I try really hard to not to burst out into tears. Last night she was going crazy at bed time, just jumping around like a crazy one. And all I could think was that my Mom doesn't get to see this. That she won't help teach Ocho to jump- that she won't give her a babydoll, or help buy EG's wedding dress.
I realize that everyone dies, but I just didn't think it would happen this way.
My cousin Doug also lost his wife this past week. It's not been a good month for my family. It's heartbreaking- I can't imagine losing my mom when I was that young- as young as his daughter is. Lucy was an amazing woman- she lit up a room, and was great at cooking. She visited us every two years, my mom always arranging a family meal, and a family get together. This is our first holiday without her, and I can't even convince the family to get together. We won't be all sides together tonight.
It seems that every day I cry. I try hard not to - I realize that crying does very little, but it's so overwhelming. I'm lost in my own house, in my own mind. Missing what I can't have back.