WE are currently right in the middle of the Days of Awe, between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. A period of reflection, consideration. Between the beginning of the year, and the day of atonement.
Traditionally it's when everyone apologizes to those they have hurt, considers the year behind them, and what they need to do in the year ahead.
This year I am in awe:
In awe of the state of my parents home, of going through closest and dressers and private places.
In awe of my older daughter, who daily reminds me of the blessings and terribles of a two-year old.
In awe of my younger daughter, a new growing, ever changing miracle of life- a bright spot in an otherwise unhappy time.
In awe of the pain I feel, each time I think to myself that I should talk to my mom.
In awe of the fact that its been a month since she left this world, and that I don't feel like I've made any changes, or that anything has gotten better.
This time of year is always intense. If you really take Jewish thought to heart and try to apologize to everyone you need to- if you really try, then you'll be overwhelmed by your deeds and misdeeds. Most American Jews don't take this time, but I try to. This year, I just can't. I can't see beyond the whole that we've seemingly fallen into.
I spent part of yesterday taking things from my house I never really thought I would- things like my drawings from when I was a child. Notes to my mom, and the handprint I made when I was in preschool. Those things that are yours and your parents all at the same time.
May your days of awe be inspiring. May your days of awe bring about a clarity and a focus to your life as you move towards Yom Kippur.