One of the things that I've been doing is trying hard to remind EG about my mom. I keep asking her who my mom is in pictures, and trying hard to ask her about the gifts my mom gave her. Somehow I've been trying to keep the memories that EG might already have alive in her mind. Which I've come to realize might not be the best plan.
Sure, the picture thing is great, but the way that EG is going to know my mother the best is by my stories, memories and the way I talk about her. Which, right now, is generally way to difficult. But a few nights ago Working Dad had to go out for dinner, leaving me at home with both girls and an hour or so to kill before the time for dinner really began.
So I took my mom's memory and made it a reality- welcome Monster Toast.
So she invented monster toast for us. She'd take regular toast from the toaster oven, and she'd mix up a few colors of die with a bit of milk. And we'd paint faces and whatever we wanted to on the toast. It was one of my best memories, and my most favorite dinner experiences. Just like I did with EG- right on the floor of the kitchen (sanitary, I know...)
It was magical. It was like she could be a part of their lives. Like it might be possible to go through being a mother myself, without my own mother to have and hold and call and talk to. To remember the experience, to remember my mother. My memories blending with her experiences.
My sister used to make us cinnamon toast crunch on these nights too- since we didn't get to eat the sugary cereal she would take toast, cover it with sugar and add some cinnamon. To delicious- so warm and yummy. We would play candy land on the kitchen floor too....
I want both EG and Ocho to have these memories. To have the memories of my mom, as well as warm, loving, comforting memories of me. It's been so rough these past few months. The days have been hard, the nights fairly sleepless. But I keep trying to move forward- move towards something...that smile makes it possible some days.